Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A travelers guide to driving the country....

  During the past decade circumstances have led me to experience driving across our great country no less than 50 times. In 2013 I was lucky enough (if you like driving) to drive through at least 13 different states. I don't want to report on the states themselves because you can find information on them easily. This post is to assist travelers in the most critical part of long distance driving, the good, the bad and the ugly of convenience stores. Gas, food, drinks and a place to go to the bathroom are the cornerstones of the journey, so where you choose to stop becomes a big deal.
  There are a few basic rules one should pay attention to when picking a store. Number one is that if they put your purchases in a black, opaque trash bag you have not chosen wisely. This indicates that most of what they sell is not to be seen by the public. There are signs you are in one of these places when you walk in. Magazines that are covered with a sheet that has the word 'adult' scrawled across it by a sharpie is one. Another would be a rack of DVD's with titles that state simply, 'Black on White' or 'Gay'. If you see either of these things and still decide you have to use the restroom, stop immediately and check your shoelaces. Make sure they are tied tight and not dragging on the floor. You do not want them dragging the floor picking up who knows what and then having to be tied by your fingers.(This is good advice for even the cleanest of restrooms) Unless the need to be there is urgent, drive to another location. You chose poorly.
  The Number two rule on my list is try to pick a recognized chain to stop at. Quick Trip is the best of breed for me service and cleanliness wise. Always helpful, friendly and the gas prices are very competitive. The national truck stops like Love's, T&A Travel Centers and Flying Pilot J are pretty good too. These always have one big selling point, number of restroom stalls. If you are the type of road warrior I am, you have a tendency to ignore the warning signs of needing a bathroom until the last possible moment. At this point, the availability of an open stall becomes the only concern. Well, that and toilet paper in the dispenser, or at least a roll on the back of the tank. Truck stops have done their research because they usually have more stalls than some of the casinos in Vegas. Try not to risk picking a small unknown station for these stops. I have watched Alfred Hitchcock movies that were not as scary as some of the restrooms in these places.  
  The last rule I try and follow concerns food. If you can spare the time, pick a restaurant close by. Every store has the usual assortment of snacks, chips, donuts and even pre-packaged sandwiches. Stay away from the sandwiches if possible. If you are religious I recommend praying after you eat if you choose one. Some places have a grill and small counter where they cook on site. Make sure you check the posted health inspection score. If it is below your grade in high school algebra, run away. Anything below an 80 means the cockroaches are committing suicide in the kitchen. Buffets are an invitation for intestinal chaos later in your drive. In addition to these problems, salt and pepper are generally considered 'spicy' food. On one trip we nicknamed a buffet place in Indiana, 'The House of Bland'. The average age of the patrons was north of 70 and they cooked to the crowd. In short, be afraid of gas station food, be very afraid.
  While the last piece of advice is not a rule. it does need to be mentioned. Try and stop out on the interstates as opposed to downtown locations. I have stopped in downtown Nashville, Cincinnati, Dallas, Louisville, Milwaukee, Chicago and Atlanta. Those are just a few and I can safely say that they are more expensive, more dangerous and usually filthy. They also have an annoying habit of closing the restrooms because of crime concerns. Nothing can bring down the mood of a trip quicker than your wife, daughter or girlfriend telling you they had to hover above the seat to use the restroom. Although this adds conversation for the next 50 miles about how you could be so insensitive to stop at such a disgusting place, it's not worth it. Any store that has bars or Plexiglas separating you from the employee is a bad place to be. (Especially at night) I have stopped at some downtown locations that have an armed police officer on duty. This does not indicate a high rating from the Better Business Bureau. Do not linger here any longer then is needed unless you are armed.

Till next.....

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The art of being interviewed....

"What are thoughts about an outline?" "My hope is not to have one drawn around me in chalk anytime soon."  I answered. It was not the answer the person conducting the interview was expecting judging by sound of laughter. This happened today during a phone interview for a local newspaper about my novel, The Melting Man and the upcoming second book. There were a few questions and answers that won't make the print edition but I thought they were at least worthy of a post. Here are some of the more sarcastic and flippant responses.

  "Where does your thought process begin for writing a story?" "Most of it comes from the twisted part of my brain, some from my heart and just a little from my groin." This one was followed by an uncomfortable silence while he was trying to figure out if I was serious. He caught on pretty quick that I wasn't it.
  "You said earlier that many of the characters were somewhat biographical. Was it hard for you to talk about yourself?" I answered cheerfully, "I hope not or this whole interview is going to be kind of one-sided."
  "Good point, did you have a drinking problem like Matt Maki?" Hmm..."No. Matt Maki had a drinking problem like me when I was 18 years old. I took mine to a level far beyond anything Matt ever achieved."
  "Oh. Is it hard to write about something so personal?" A long pause followed by,"Enough time has gone by that I can look back it without too much pain. Do you know what I mean?" He surprised me and answered my rhetorical question,"I've had tough times in my life that seem funny now." I couldn't resist, "High School Prom? Gym class? First time at a strip club?" He chuckled and said, "Most of those and a couple you missed." We both laughed and I was very thankful he had a sense of humor. Up until that point, who knew?
  
  It is obvious that at some point I'm going to need a Kevin Costner/Crash Davis type of mentor to throw my fungus covered shower shoes at me and then give me guidance and wisdom on how to deal with fame. (It's from the movie Bull Durham, if you haven't seen it, you should) I'm not suggesting that I will ever be famous, but the odds may be dropping with every interview. I have another one scheduled for the end of the week. My plan is to watch 60 Minutes re-runs with Mike Wallace and all the episodes of the Oprah show I can find on You Tube. That should be enough to prepare me for anything, past, present or future.

  The last question he asked required my best answer. "Do you see yourself being a full time author one day?" Wait for it, wait for it, timing is everything, "How in the hell am I going to be a full time author if I only do it one day?" I asked him. He figured out that question was rhetorical.

Till next...... 
  

Friday, March 21, 2014

Oh..That is what you mean by Bi.....I misunderstood.

   There was a time when I used to consider myself to be in pretty good physical shape. I enjoyed running, biking and lifting weights plus I would play any sport I was asked to play. Baseball, softball, tennis or golf, it didn't matter to me. If you needed a player I was in. That led me to doing endurance races like half marathons, century bike rides and then, a biathlon. Not the kind you see in the Winter Olympics where they ski with a rifle on their back and then stop and shoot at targets.( As a side note, who the hell came up with that idea?) This was one that combined riding a bike and running. Much better than skiing and shooting.
   When I read the entry form, okay, I glanced at the form and saw the time, date and distance, I didn't read the whole thing. I was far too busy to be bothered with details. What I gathered was it was a 10k run (6.2 miles for those who are metrically challenged) and a 52 mile bike ride. At the time I was running 30 miles a week and could ride a bike for 50 miles without much pain. Oh yea, I got this. After loading up my bike I drove to the event and strode to the check in desk brimming with confidence. That changed quickly.
   Smiling wide I asked the lady at the desk if we were running first or biking. She looked at me sideways before answering, "The run is first, then the bike ride and then you run again." I said thanks and turned away before it hit me. I turned back around and asked,"What did you mean by 'run again', or am I confused?" "You run the first 10k and then ride your bike for 52 miles and then run another 10k. That's why it's a biathlon." she said without much encouragement. The look on my face must have indicated I didn't know what I had volunteered for because she asked if I wanted to withdraw. I shook my head no and headed to drop off my bike. I could hear them laughing as I walked away. They knew I was screwed. So did I.
   The first run went well. I don't remember the exact time but I know it was under 45 minutes. Pretty good for a weekend warrior. Then came the bike ride. I killed it. The course was flat and the wind hadn't kicked up yet and I was on a roll. It was probably one of the fastest rides I have ever done. And once the competitive juices got flowing I pushed it to my limit. When I jumped off the bike I was feeling great.
   Then I stood up for the final run. I couldn't extend my legs. It looked like I had just climbed out of a clown car. Imagine you are sitting in a chair and then try and run. It is very hard and looks ridiculous. Normally I am a shade under 6 feet tall but I'm pretty sure I ran the entire way at about 4 feet 10 inches tall. My eyes seemed like they were level with my knees. If they had laptops back then I could have balanced it on my lap when I was running. If memory serves right, it was the last biathlon I ever participated in.
  The moral of this story is probably that you should read the entire entry form. Clint Eastwood actually gave pretty good advice when he said," A man's got to know his limitations." Well said, Dirty Harry, well said.

Till next...... 
   

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Death of a Salesman...The Tesla Model.

   There is a really fascinating and disruptive business practice being implemented by the car company Tesla. In certain states, if you want a Tesla you can go online or call and order one. Delivered right to your door, without the requisite poorly dressed salesman standing before you, arms crossed, asking,"What's it going to take for you to but the car today". Nobody leading you into the 'closing cubicle' with the harsh overhead lighting, leaving you alone for 10 minutes while they 'run it by my manager', just you and your computer. I know everybody has been talked down to or patronized by a car salesman at one time or another. Could there be anything better than making your buying decision without all that noise? Well, yes and no.
   Salesman, any type, are certainly derided because the first thing that comes to mind is the high pressure, fast talking, pushy, won't take no for an answer type of person. And with good reason in a lot of cases.Who hasn't had the phone ring during dinner with someone calling to find out if you have adequately planned for your eventual demise by buying life insurance? Am I the only person who has gone into a store to buy something and walked out with three extra things and a warranty for all of them? Then you get home and you have the same feeling that occurs after a night of drinking when you ask yourself, "What did I do". There is no doubt that a bad salesman can leave you broke, confused and filled with regret, sound familiar?
   Several states have decided they don't want Tesla to sell inside their borders. Auto dealers and car companies are a powerful force and they are not really hip to the idea of people not having to visit a showroom to buy a car for obvious reasons. That is a problem they need to work out right? If they don't like the way Tesla is doing business, maybe they should change. Valid points to be sure, but before we go Willy Loman and kill all the salesman, let me offer another way of looking at the situation.
   Nothing starts until someone sells something. Business is based on someone buying a good or service, and until they do, nothing happens. If there is a person who can help that sale take place to the benefit of the buyer and the seller, they become a very valuable person indeed. A good salesman doesn't just sell, he advises, he makes the sale easier and in certain cases, he won't sell. Have you ever had a salesman tell you not to go with his company, or buy his product? I have and I have advised potential clients not to switch to my company. They had a fair deal, were getting good service and were happy. Why would I change that?
   Truth be told, we are all salespeople. Have you ever gone out on a date? If you're a woman, did you wear make up? Nice clothes? Guys, did you wear cologne? Comb your hair and brush your teeth? Did you try and appear interested and make sure you conversed with intelligence and insight? What were you selling? Parents, how many times have you tried to sell your kids? Never? Please! Santa Claus? Easter Bunny? Everyday you walk out of your front door, you are a salesperson. The best salespeople get paid very well and are admired by their clients. And they should be. Don't you love a good server who leads you through a menu and makes suggestions? Or the agent who knows how much of a product or coverage you need for your situation and tells you why? One thing the Internet model hasn't been able to do yet is provide the personal service a salesperson can. Is it worth the possibility of a bad experience? Your call.
    Several months ago I was running errands and walked into a coffee shop that really could use my services. They had a credit card machine that hasn't been manufactured in five years ( I sell merchant processing). It also was located 15 feet from the counter so not only was it slow, it was slowing down the entire business. I stepped up to the counter and politely asked for the owner. The lady said she was the owner and I replied, "Great. Is there  a chance I could schedule an appointment to talk to you about improving the speed of your business?" She pointed to the sign in the front window and loudly asked if I could read. I stared at the NO SOLICITING sign and turned back and said I would take that as a no. Without another word, I turned and left. Two weeks later I walked in on a busy Saturday morning and stood in line. When I got to the counter the owner asked what I wanted. I just stared back. She asked again what I wanted. I cleared my throat and loudly asked, "Do you know what soliciting means? Can't you read the sign?" I turned and left without another word. I'm sure she was surprised to find it means to ask urgently.

Till next.....

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The best reality show ever begins.....

  It only happens once a year and it is totally unscripted. Of course I am speaking of the NCAA College Basketball Tournament. You will not hear me call it March Madness. That is the term that should be reserved for the number of snowstorms that roll through my hometown of Painesdale, Michigan every year. The rest of the country looks forward to spring while the snow just keeps on coming. Now that is madness.
  I won't refer to "The Big Dance" either. When I was growing up the big dance was the Homecoming dance. It also happened once a year and like the tournament, it was filled with pressure. With my long hair, big nose, bigger ears and questionable fashion choices, I was rejection looking for a place to sit. As a teenager, the pressure you are under when you approach a girl to dance is equal to any jump shot a basketball player might take. Much like the tournament, there is only one winner and I wasn't it. At least there was only four of these torture chambers before I graduated. Oh, did I mention the fact I can't dance? The best description of my dancing would be a cross between seizures and The Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. Not smooth at all.
  The tournament doesn't need all the over-used nicknames. It is the greatest reality show going and has been since 1979 when Larry Bird and Magic Johnson faced each other and the most of the nation became interested. For three weeks the ultimate drama unfolds in real time, win and you play again, lose and you go home. There are no scripts, no pre-determined outcomes and guarantees. Many of the stars of the show only play for a year or two yet the plot goes on. Small schools most people have never heard of have a chance to perform in front of millions of people for the first and maybe only time in their lives. Bigger schools are more accustomed to the bright lights but aren't assured anything but the chance to advance. The players mostly play for the love of the game or the school. In reality, it doesn't get any better.
   Shows like The Voice, American Idol, Biggest Loser and Survivor garner huge ratings every year. But are they truly reality shows? I don't think so. Perhaps the bigger question is why do we love these types of shows so much? With the tournament, the answers are easy. You have the brackets, office pools and wagering for starters. For the more serious fans, you have a four day weekend starting tomorrow with a pizza delivery man on speed dial and a full refrigerator with adult beverages ready to go. Or for the real die-hards, you head to the post office and fill out the form to have your mail forwarded to your favorite sports bar for the next three weeks and head to the bar. (Thanks to those of you who did this, you know who you are.) Even for the person who could care less there are benefits. That sports nerd who won't shut up is so engrossed in his brackets that he leaves you alone for the better part of a month. Everybody wins.
   My best guess on why we love reality shows so much is the thrill of vicariously living through other people. We love to see the underdog win against the odds because we can imagine ourselves doing it. Or watching someone conquer the demons within them because we all have them and want to beat them as well. Sometimes we love reality because it makes us feel better about ourselves. C'mon now, who hasn't watched a Real Housewives of wherever or Honey Boo Boo and said, "At least I'm not that much of a train wreck." Have you ever wondered if you should audition for Hoarders? Do you sing in the shower and think The Voice is next on your list? If you really love the reality shows, then pull up a chair and call in sick for work. The greatest show ever produced starts tomorrow and you don't want to miss the first episode.....

Till next.....