The keys to a happy marriage....advice to my sons.....

   I know what everyone who knows me is thinking right now. Why in the name of all that is good and holy is he giving advice about marriage. He's got rice burns he's been married so many times. True, there are plow horses that have been hitched less than me but experience is a very good teacher if the pupil is willing to learn. How many other people can say they have been happily married three times. That pool is a whole lot less crowded. Sure at the end of the first two there was some tension and conflict but we came out of it as not only friends, but good friends. Most of the time we were married there was very little drama or anything resembling anger. My exes know I would do anything I could to help them if they needed it. So maybe I do know something.
   So pay attention boys and I will give you the five keys to a happy marriage. Take notes if needed.

1. Her opinion is the most important one in your life from the moment you say I do. It is more important than your friends, sibling, mother and yes, even your father. (maybe especially your father) It doesn't mean you will agree with everything. You won't. Your wife is obviously smart or she wouldn't have married you so treat her thoughts with the respect they deserve. Don't worry about the occasional disagreement. It is healthy long term to clear things out that no longer need to be there. Kind of like a forest fire or a bad case of stomach flu. 
2. Love her with out conditions. Trying to change someone you love and married is like rowing a boat with one oar. You are going to get really tired, frustrated and wind up right back where you started. Not to mention you will be using one arm for quite a while if you persist. She is probably not perfect, remember she married you so she doesn't demand perfection. Neither should you.
3. The most important parts of your body to her are your heart,your hands, your ears and shoulder. She just wants to be in your heart. She wants you to listen and actually hear her problems and wants a shoulder to lean on when she needs help. Don't believe the porn you see on the internet or the crap on the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine. She will be much more impressed if you know if you know 15 ways to fix the dryer than if you 15 positions of the Kama Sutra.
4. Laughter is the best medicine. Marriage can sometimes be hard work so a little laughter goes a long way. Try to make her laugh and not make her cry. This will become somewhat tricky at times. I guarantee you there will be at least one time where you will find your wife crying and when you rush over to find out what is wrong you will here, "I love you so much". When this happens try VERY hard not to laugh. I know this will make no sense to you. It didn't to me either but do not laugh. She is very liable to change her opinion of you right then and there. Give her a hug and hide your face in her shoulder if you have to. Then if you start laughing it will seem like you are sobbing uncontrollably. That works to your benefit.
5. Never forget you have entered into a partnership. Be man enough to ask for help if you need it. Don't try to solve every problem by yourself. Yours or hers. Sometimes she will share a problem she is having and you will immediately offer several solutions. Do not do this. It is a trap. Much like the crying tears of joy thing mentioned earlier it may not make sense but she doesn't want you to fix anything. She just wants you to listen. Sometimes she wants solutions. I've got nothing for you on this one boys. I still haven't completely figured this one out yet. If you do please give me a call. Be honest. Again, a little tricky. Does this make me look fat is not a time for honesty. Do you love me? Honesty. How about we go to a festival this weekend? Tricky. Are you okay with staying home tonight instead of going out? Honesty. Do you think she looks good dressed like that? Tricky....You get the idea.

     My failure in every one of the areas will allow you the luxury of not repeating them. I still screw up some of them but I recover much quicker. While I am nowhere near a perfect husband I like to think I am not a horrible one either. In short boys if you want to be treated like a king treat her like a queen and you will be. Four words sum it up best: Don't be an asshole. When you do get married be forewarned that if you complain to me that your wife is acting like a bitch I might explain to you that is what happens when they marry an asshole.

Till next.......

He who laughs last, laughs where?

  The older I get the more I try and find humor in things. George Bernard Shaw mused that you don't laugh less as you grow old but not laughing makes you grow old. ( I paraphrased) Much to my amusement and the disgust of those around me I find things that average people find sad bring me to laughter. Funerals included. There is even a name for that condition or disease or whatever it is. It's call Psuedobulbar Affect and even has it's own acronym: PBA. I thought that had something to do with bowling but a funeral and three games of bowling aren't that far apart so I guess it's okay. I have tried to avoid funerals and most other extremely serious or sad moments for this very reason. Does this mean there is something wrong with me?
  I'm sure that, combined with my sarcastic nature a therapist could make a fortune with me on the couch. Or it's possible that it is nothing more than a well defined coping tool developed over years of practice. Doctor asks, "Why do you feel the need to laugh at serious or sad events?" "Well Doc to tell the truth it seems like so much more fun than crying." "So you don't feel sadness?" "I'm sure I will when I get the bill. Of course I feel sad but not for very long." "I see. So how do you feel when you feel sad?" (That question was actually asked.) "Did you really just ask me that? Grant is buried in Grant's Tomb and George Washington's white horse is still white. I'd rather have Tim Conway as my dentist than you for my doctor." Suffice it to say that my therapy session ended after that question. Maybe I don't feel sadness much for a different reason.
  With the crossing of the 50 year old mark a few years ago more and more of my friends, customers, relatives and acquaintances have passed away. Really good people who left far earlier than they should have. Given the choice of dwelling on the loss or remembering the laughter, I choose the laughter. I don't give a crap if people think it weird or somehow callous. I try to never have the attitude that someone who has suffered a great loss should get over it. Grief doesn't have a timetable or come with a pie chart. Just because my method is unusual doesn't make me anything other than different from most. There are so many serious things going on in the world today that laughter is the only thing that makes me feel sane some days.
  Some people start their day out with prayer, meditation, yoga or just a strong cup of coffee and their computer. Try mixing a dose of laughter before beginning your day. I had a Far Side calendar for years and everyday started out with a laugh. It works wonders. They say laughter releases endorphin in to the bloodstream. I think endorphin is a funny word anyway. It's a win win. So go ahead and laugh as much as you can because I've seen this movie before and (spoiler alert) we all die in the end anyway.

Till next........  .
 
 

You can tell me. I'm a doctor. Thanks for the....

memories, Leslie. You were on of the funniest people we have ever had the pleasure of watching. The skilled deadpan lines you uttered in Airplane have a special place in my heart. Let me tell you why.

My youngest son Zachary(who has a blog here) was only 3 months old when he contracted a very bad case of Chicken pox. That weakened his immune system which enabled him to contract R.S.V. a nasty little respiratory disease which stops your ability to breathe. It is very similar to asthma in adults. In children it is much more dangerous. Especially if they can't tell you what's wrong. There was more than one occasion where we raced to the ER to get him breathing again. Those big brown eyes would show the confusion he had when he started to go Smurf on me. Breathing treatments every two hours on the hour for months on end. There were nights when I did not think he would ever be healthy enough to breathe on his own.

Zachary has always been a fighter and even at that young age he was tough. As he grew older we would watch movies when it was treatment time. (Or bedtime) And his first favorite movie was Airplane. I know he didn't get many of the jokes but I think he loved to lay on my chest and hear me laugh. The more I laughed, the more he laughed. The more he laughed, the harder I would laugh. It was the most beautiful treadmill you would ever witness. It didn't take long for Christopher, his older brother, to hear the noise and want to be a part of it. So every night I was home (and there was not nearly enough of them) we would put in a movie and laugh until they fell asleep. And Airplane was the movie that Zachary chose for a long time.

Now the boys are 11 and 14. The days of laying on Dad and watching a movie are gone. We still watch movies but it's not the same for me. For me, the movie is unfolding right before me. How will the boys turn out? Will they go on to great things? Will they be happy? This is the part of the movie that you watch covering one eye. It can get kind of scary. At some point you want to yell,"Don't go in the basement" or "Don't start drinking this young" but you know they can't hear you. They are going to do what is written in the script. They will play the part just as it is written. So now, while I think of the great Leslie Nielsen, I smile and think of my two boys. And the voice in my head says' " Of course we'll do good Dad. But don't call us Shirley."



Till next......