It was a normal drive on a lazy Sunday afternoon with Scarlett and my two boys when the subject of the movie The "A Team" came up. My wife became very animated and made the statement that she couldn't believe God could make such a beautiful man as Bradley Cooper. (The Hangover, Wedding Crashers) I'm not the overly jealous type and I know he's on the list. The list is the one that all married people have. You know, if you weren't married and you had the chance for a roll in the hay with this person you'd take it without forethought or regret, list. So I wasn't terribly surprised by her drooling proclamation of her admiration. But throwing God into it was a little unusual. I held my response to see if there was more. There certainly was.
She continued, "There is no way I could be married to someone that good looking. People would see us together and ask what I did to win him." Huh? Say what? It took less than two seconds for the sarcasm to spill forth. "What do they say when the see you with me? Where did you get him? Oh, Pet Rescue for Husbands. Did they tell you if nobody takes him home today he gets a bullet in the head tomorrow? I understand, he is sort of, well, you did a good thing." My kids have since dubbed me Pet Rescue as a result of this. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure these conversations take place all the time when the girls(or guys) get together for a couple of drinks. But not when your spouse is sitting within arms reach of you. That's just crazy.
Dirty Harry said it best when he declared, "A man's got to know his limitations". Long ago I embraced the large nose and large ears that extended away form my head. Throw in the voice that resembles hail on a tin roof and you've got quite a package. The fact that if I was ever chiseled into Mt. Rushmore most of Minnesota would be in perpetual shade hasn't bothered me much. Throughout my life I have always dated and married women who were better looking and better people than I am.(By dating I mean more than one night with no money changing hands) Given that fact I must have something going for me. Not Bradley Cooper mind you, but some sort of game. It still was a little shocking to hear where you are the totem pole so directly.
After things had calmed down and the requisite apologies were offered and accepted I had to ask the one question that remained, "Did that sound differently in your head before it came out of your mouth?" Scarlett started laughing and almost screamed, "Yes, I don't know what I was thinking." You know what, I have no trouble believing her. She knows her husband has a very good memory and has described my sarcastic wit with the term relentless. If she had thought her comments through she surely would have kept them to herself. Anyone who knows me I certainly have said things better left unsaid. I'm sure that I won't bring it up again. Rigghhhtt.
Till Next....
Looking at life through the odd mix of optimism, sarcasm, love and humor and not always in that order.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Why? Why not is a better question.
After spending a weekend in which my beloved Detroit Lions won a fourth straight road game for the first time since the year of my birth it occurred to me that maybe the times are a changing (thanks Bob). The biggest upset of the weekend didn't occur on the football field but in the arena of Presidential politics. Florida's straw poll came up with a winning candidate who was left for dead a long time ago. Not just politically, but literally as well. Herman Cain has overcome Stage 4 cancer after being given a 30% chance of survival. The man is someone who knows a fight when he is in one. And the one he is in now is a big one.
Barack has been in politics his entire adult life. The results speak for themselves. George Bush spent some time in the private sector but if your last name is Bush you have been in politics since before you were born. A Bush has been in American politics since the 1800's. Again the results speak for themselves. Bill Clinton was a politician his whole life and a good one at that. He had the ability to change course when the conditions suited him. But was he one of us working stiffs? Not one single day. That brings us back to another Bush. See above.
The reason for the historical comparison is an important one. I don't give a rat's ass if it's a Republican or a Democrat, our elected representatives have lost touch with who most of us are. They don't all start out that way but apparently Washington can do that to you. Could the reason be that they weren't one of us to start with? It would certainly seem so in the White House. It's time we really do put some hope in a change. Let's change the decades long habit of electing career politicians and elect someone who had lived life outside of school or government.
Circular logic being what it is we come back to Herman Cain. He grew up in the deep South when segregation was still in place. Mom was a maid and Dad was a barber, chauffeur and more. He holds degrees from Morehouse and Emory universities. The press loves to report on the Godfathers pizza job almost in a mocking tone. Try running a restaurant sometime. Let alone hundreds of them. He led the National Restaurant Association which proves his leadership abilities. During his military service he programmed missiles to hit their mark. Yes, that makes him a rocket scientist. His talk show here in Atlanta gave him the chance to speak with everyday people constantly. He doesn't need a focus group to find out what Americans want. He's been talking about it for years. His convictions are what they are. Poll numbers won't change them.
Did I mention the Detroit Lions won four road games in a row? Why Not?
Till next........
The cheering had barely stopped when the spinning began about how Cain won because voters wanted to "send a message" to Perry and Romney. And those were the Republican pundits. The Democrat talking heads said he's not a serious candidate. So did Bill O'Reilly(O'Reilly is Irish loosely translated into to pompous ass). Why? The better question to ask is, Why Not? His biggest drawback is he has never held elective office. Let us look at that.
Barack has been in politics his entire adult life. The results speak for themselves. George Bush spent some time in the private sector but if your last name is Bush you have been in politics since before you were born. A Bush has been in American politics since the 1800's. Again the results speak for themselves. Bill Clinton was a politician his whole life and a good one at that. He had the ability to change course when the conditions suited him. But was he one of us working stiffs? Not one single day. That brings us back to another Bush. See above.
The reason for the historical comparison is an important one. I don't give a rat's ass if it's a Republican or a Democrat, our elected representatives have lost touch with who most of us are. They don't all start out that way but apparently Washington can do that to you. Could the reason be that they weren't one of us to start with? It would certainly seem so in the White House. It's time we really do put some hope in a change. Let's change the decades long habit of electing career politicians and elect someone who had lived life outside of school or government.
Circular logic being what it is we come back to Herman Cain. He grew up in the deep South when segregation was still in place. Mom was a maid and Dad was a barber, chauffeur and more. He holds degrees from Morehouse and Emory universities. The press loves to report on the Godfathers pizza job almost in a mocking tone. Try running a restaurant sometime. Let alone hundreds of them. He led the National Restaurant Association which proves his leadership abilities. During his military service he programmed missiles to hit their mark. Yes, that makes him a rocket scientist. His talk show here in Atlanta gave him the chance to speak with everyday people constantly. He doesn't need a focus group to find out what Americans want. He's been talking about it for years. His convictions are what they are. Poll numbers won't change them.
Campaigning across the country he is building a following of dedicated voters. His powerful message and voice is truly inspirational. If you don't believe me, check out some of his speech's on YouTube. He's made mistakes so far but he is a quick study. The best lesson learned to date was telling his "handlers" to pound sand. Just be who you are and speak from the heart Herman. Tell us about your 9-9-9 plan in your words. Give us more about the fix for Social Security. Continue to be bold and the people will either vote for you or not. But it will be on your terms. We regular Johnny Lunch Bucket MFer's are begging for someone with common sense solutions to just tell us what they think and how they would act. And someone who will stick to what they say. So keeping shouting from the rooftops Herman because the people I talk to say they love your ideas but you can't get elected. Why?
Did I mention the Detroit Lions won four road games in a row? Why Not?
Till next........
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunsets versus Sunrise?...Let's break it down.
Set aside for a minute that the sun does not actually rise or set. The Earth either rotates toward or away from the sun. Think of all the crappy poetry that would create if you had to substitute that definition for sunrise or sunset. Sorry for the redundancy of crappy poetry. Where was I? Oh, that was it. The difference between sunrises and sunsets and the people who embrace them is not a difference without a distinction.
Sunrises are beautiful in their own way. The way the sun reflects off the dew on the grass makes you squint. And the dew itself is pretty much a pain in the ass as well. You walk outside without shoes and you have to come in and change your socks. But the sounds of sunrise are my favorite part. The birds chirping away signifying the beginning of a new day. It would be their last day if I owned a shotgun. Folklore says they should be out getting a worm instead of performing an avian equivalent of Skynrd's Freebird outside my window. Just my luck I get birds who can't hold a job in my tree. But once a week I don't hear the birds at all.
Because every Tuesday is trash day. The birds know they cannot compete with the trash man. Our county has apparently contracted with the Gravedigger to haul our trash when he's not doing Monster Truck rallies. The windows actually shake when he rumbles up the street. If you have ever watched one of these trucks in action you need a life too. It is impossible for the trash to fall anywhere except in the back of the truck. Yet the driver will smash the dumpster a minimum of three times per can. It must be in his contract. I have been to skeet shooting competitions that create less noise. At least this is only once a week.
Sunrise also brings out the most mysterious creature I have ever met. The "morning person". These are people who wake up and immediately begin doing...well...stuff. They make coffee and and breakfast. Perhaps the strangest thing to me is they talk. A lot. And fast. It's like they have energy. And what do they have to look forward to? A nice long relaxing day at work. They have a to do list of things to accomplish during the day. I've had writing a to do list on the top of my to do list for the last twenty five years. I am not a morning person which makes them all the more confusing to me. Morning people truly embrace Carpe diem. I am more like carpe noonish. The thought of conversation with another human being before 9am is quite terrifying. My heart doesn't beat until close to noon. Sunrises are best when witnessed at the end of an all nighter. It usually is a sign of triumph at that point. To summarize the sunrise, you start out with wet feet, get audibly gang raped by birds and sanitation engineers and then are forced to engage in a conversation about what you plan to do for the day. Now for sunsets.
Shimmering waves of heat are still coming off the street as you pull into the driveway. You get into the house and emerge wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. Your feet feel the heat coming of the grass and it feels good. If you lay on the grass you could take a quick nap it's so comfortable. (Anyone who as had a few too many beers during the day knows this fact.) The afternoon breeze is kicking up right on time. The only sounds that can be heard is the sizzle of whatever type of beef is on the grill. At least until the ice cream truck makes his rounds in the neighborhood. Garbage versus ice cream, this isn't a fair fight.
Sunrise people begin to lose the stoned, eyes half shut look when the sun completely disappears. All of sudden the person who had the conversational skills of a mime for the daylight hours comes alive. Sunrise people will wax eloquent on anything from the merits of alabaster paint to Zeus being an overrated Greek God as long as the sun is gone for the day. They will complete an eight hour shift at work and then spend another hour in the parking lot talking to the same people they have been talking to all night. Vampires would be envious of the amount of work true sunset people can get done in the middle of the night.
What does the sunset bring? How about the anticipation of time with the family? Or sports or your favorite TV shows? Or maybe a little bumping uglies with your spouse? (Note: Even morning people don't like sex in the morning) It seems to me the real time to seize the day is when the day is about to end and the night begins. To summarize, the sunset brings on all that is true and good with the world. This comparison may be slightly biased.
Till next.....
Sunrises are beautiful in their own way. The way the sun reflects off the dew on the grass makes you squint. And the dew itself is pretty much a pain in the ass as well. You walk outside without shoes and you have to come in and change your socks. But the sounds of sunrise are my favorite part. The birds chirping away signifying the beginning of a new day. It would be their last day if I owned a shotgun. Folklore says they should be out getting a worm instead of performing an avian equivalent of Skynrd's Freebird outside my window. Just my luck I get birds who can't hold a job in my tree. But once a week I don't hear the birds at all.
Because every Tuesday is trash day. The birds know they cannot compete with the trash man. Our county has apparently contracted with the Gravedigger to haul our trash when he's not doing Monster Truck rallies. The windows actually shake when he rumbles up the street. If you have ever watched one of these trucks in action you need a life too. It is impossible for the trash to fall anywhere except in the back of the truck. Yet the driver will smash the dumpster a minimum of three times per can. It must be in his contract. I have been to skeet shooting competitions that create less noise. At least this is only once a week.
Sunrise also brings out the most mysterious creature I have ever met. The "morning person". These are people who wake up and immediately begin doing...well...stuff. They make coffee and and breakfast. Perhaps the strangest thing to me is they talk. A lot. And fast. It's like they have energy. And what do they have to look forward to? A nice long relaxing day at work. They have a to do list of things to accomplish during the day. I've had writing a to do list on the top of my to do list for the last twenty five years. I am not a morning person which makes them all the more confusing to me. Morning people truly embrace Carpe diem. I am more like carpe noonish. The thought of conversation with another human being before 9am is quite terrifying. My heart doesn't beat until close to noon. Sunrises are best when witnessed at the end of an all nighter. It usually is a sign of triumph at that point. To summarize the sunrise, you start out with wet feet, get audibly gang raped by birds and sanitation engineers and then are forced to engage in a conversation about what you plan to do for the day. Now for sunsets.
Shimmering waves of heat are still coming off the street as you pull into the driveway. You get into the house and emerge wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. Your feet feel the heat coming of the grass and it feels good. If you lay on the grass you could take a quick nap it's so comfortable. (Anyone who as had a few too many beers during the day knows this fact.) The afternoon breeze is kicking up right on time. The only sounds that can be heard is the sizzle of whatever type of beef is on the grill. At least until the ice cream truck makes his rounds in the neighborhood. Garbage versus ice cream, this isn't a fair fight.
Sunrise people begin to lose the stoned, eyes half shut look when the sun completely disappears. All of sudden the person who had the conversational skills of a mime for the daylight hours comes alive. Sunrise people will wax eloquent on anything from the merits of alabaster paint to Zeus being an overrated Greek God as long as the sun is gone for the day. They will complete an eight hour shift at work and then spend another hour in the parking lot talking to the same people they have been talking to all night. Vampires would be envious of the amount of work true sunset people can get done in the middle of the night.
What does the sunset bring? How about the anticipation of time with the family? Or sports or your favorite TV shows? Or maybe a little bumping uglies with your spouse? (Note: Even morning people don't like sex in the morning) It seems to me the real time to seize the day is when the day is about to end and the night begins. To summarize, the sunset brings on all that is true and good with the world. This comparison may be slightly biased.
Till next.....
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