I didn't have sex with a good looking black man....

Not that there is anything wrong with it but it's not my cup of tea. Despite the somewhat shocking title the post today is actually an attempt to explain the silence form the man cave. Stella lost her groove and found her way back to life. The funny thing about movies is it all happens in two hours and the people watching talk about how neat it was the whole way home. Loosing one's groove is anything but neat and it never comes back in a couple of hours. How do I know? For the last six or seven months I have had depression.
   Those of you who know me well are probably surprised and some are even shocked. My mantra of happiness is a choice has been repeated so many times my kids finish saying it before I do. Was I unhappy? I can't say that I was or wasn't. I got up and went to work everyday and came home and kissed my wife, ate dinner, watched some television and went to bed. Sounds normal until you look a little deeper into yourself. Then it got dark in a hurry. The same twisted mind that always saw the optimistic side was now running through every negative scenario and convincing me they were all true.
   Curling up in the fetal position on the couch and crying never did happen. There were never any thoughts of cashing in my chips or going back to drinking. In fact, I was completely unaware of what was wrong. I quit talking to anyone except my family and people I had to work with. Engaging in political discussion didn't even interest me. I haven't played golf in almost a year now. I quit going to the gym and I quit writing my blog. But the whole while I thought everything was normal, I was just a little more tired than usual. (Considering that I am never tired, that should have been a clue) Scarlett had a pretty good idea but any questions were met with the standard, "I'm just a little off". Having a problem is bad enough, not knowing it is even worse. Instead of confident (or cocky) I was subdued and uninterested. Almost tame.
     Oddly enough it was a commercial on the radio that got me thinking maybe I was more than tired. It started out asking if you were lethargic, not communicating with friends, sleeping less or sleeping more and so on. My first thought was it was another commercial for boner pills but there was no disclaimer for the four hour erection. (On that side note I would go to the hospital if that happened, and the store, the golf course, the DMV and anywhere else to tell people about it.) It was a commercial for a new depression drug that you could sign up for. I don't take drugs except Advil or Claritin so I tuned out after that until I sat down at the computer that night. Every symptom listed got a big check mark except for sleeping more. When I shared this information with Scarlett she told me she already knew. Well ain't that a kick in the head.
     My life has been filled with people who have suffered from depression and I always feel empathy but never really understood it. And I would have been the very last person I thought would ever have to battle it. Using the term battle was not a mistake because that is what it is. The mind is powerful and relentless. Fortunately mine has remained functioning normally (debatable, I know) for most of my half a century. Then one day it seemed to change in small degrees. Going to the gym seemed more of a hassle than fun. Playing golf takes five hours and cost too much money for my $9 an hour job so I'll just stay home. Politics, they all suck and are liars so who cares? It just didn't happen all at once. I didn't wake up and not shower for a week, sleep for sixteen hours a day. I just stopped caring and life without passion isn't really living.

   Which brings up the two most important questions: What caused it and how to cure it? Well, these are only assumptions but I suspect the cause was a large building of events that I have never dealt with over a lifetime. Family and friends dying, job loss, divorce, not seeing my kids everyday and others. Searching for a job and going on multitudes of great interviews and getting the "sorry but we decided..." email two days later played a large part as well. Those are the reasons as best I can tell. Much like alcoholism the reason why I have it doesn't matter. How do I stop it is all I care about. With alcohol it's a little easier, just don't take a drink. Depression is different because you can't tell yourself to not think something because then you will immediately think about it. So how did I get my groove back? Once again, I didn't have sex with a black man. I did start exercising again and changed my diet a little. I started watching and reading things with a positive message instead of my steady diet of news and politics. More than anything I decided to remember who I am and whose I am. On the whole I'm not perfect but I ain't all bad either. When I hear someone say something (usually inside my own) I ask myself if what I heard is true or bullshit. There is a lot of bullshit being spread around the world. Inside and outside of my head.
    Lastly I wanted to explain the reason for such a personal blog post. If someone reads this and realizes they have "been a little off" maybe it will help. The other reason is it helped me. Selfish yes but admit it, you started reading because of the title anyway....

Till Next........