The collective wife.......

One of the interesting parts of being married thrice is the unusual amount of verbal landmines that you encounter everyday. I have been fortunate enough to marry three women who were better looking, smarter, kinder and gentler than me. With that being said they will bristle up at a moments notice if they are placed in the middle of a story they did not attend. I love to tell stories and some are actually funny. But after 24 years of being married to somebody, occasionally the wrong name has been attached to the wrong location. No offense meant.

This happened Saturday night when I was story telling at Outback and I said wife instead of ex-wife. What could best be described as an icy reply came from Scarlett that she was not there. It must have been a different wife. So that got me to thinking that as a divorced man I need to use the "collective wife". This would be all things wifely in nature. Ex or current shouldn't matter when using the collective wife. Nor should pesky little details like names or faces. After all it is the "wife" I am referring to, not the individual herself. This will prevent many future arguments.

Charlie Sheen could benefit from the "collective wife" or "collective porn star". Larry King would probably live to be 100 if he could use the collective wife and not be forced to remember all those names everyday. President Clinton has already used the collective wife for nefarious purposes. That was not part of my recommendation. The collective wife is a catch all phrase for stories whose details have fallen into the crevices of the mind. Not for cigars to fall into the crevices of....well you follow my logic. The more divorces, the greater need for the collective wife.

Scarlett has been divorced and could use the collective husband but it doesn't work as well for women. Even though women forget details and the names of their current husband just as much as men do, the need for the collective is simply not there. Why? Because most men will either not hear the wrong name being spoken, or simply won't care. Unless a women is complimenting a man on his love making or his golf game he probably won't take note. He might file it away to use at a later date should some sort of irrational argument arise but for the most part it drifts away unnoticed. Being clueless has benefits. You cannot get easily offended if you are unaware. That would make us part of the "collective dumb ass". Guilty as charged.



Till next.....

Swimming with bow legged women.

I did promise to complete the trifecta today and write about women and how to have successful, meaningful and nurturing relationships with them. I highly recommend getting out a pen and some paper for you men out there. For the ladies don't bother trying to memorize it and discuss it with your man because he is not listening anyway. You can print a copy and put it inside his golf bag and have a better chance of getting through. Or start undressing with each sentence to hold his attention. Tell him there will be a quiz that he must get correct if he wants to boot knock. Now you have a fighting chance.
Maybe this is where my problem is. I have been divorced twice and am currently happily married. All three women are much more of an asset to the human race than yours truly. That isn't much of a surprise. Because opposites have to attract. Try and explain Heidi Klum and Seal without it. Can you imagine being married to someone just like you? I would be in Hell. No, I don't give a crap who won the Triple Crown in 1979. If I wanted to know why Democrats lost the House I would ask. No, I don't want to listen the classic rock station unless it's a choice between that or that damn talk radio garbage. No, I don't want to pull your finger and I do know why the chicken crossed the road because you told me yesterday. Could you just shut up during the sad parts of the movie? See what I mean. I don't like me and I'm not married to me.
So with all that here is the advice. 1. Men, don't talk. When your woman is venting she wants you to listen. 2. Men, talk. Let her know what you think. 3. Men, tell her she is attractive. Women love to hear that their man still desires them. 4. Men, don't tell her she turns you on. The last thing a woman wants to hear is how sexy she is when she is feeling bloated or crampy or tired. 5. Men, take care of things for her. When your woman finds you have fixed a toilet or hung a shower rod it's like foreplay. 6. Men, She is not a child and doesn't need you to do everything for her. She survived long before you showed up and she will survive long after the restraining order has expired. 7. Oh, to hell with it.....I have not the slightest idea what works here. For every ying there is a yang and every ping there is a pong.
If you really want to know the secret, look up my Mom and Dad. They have been married 50 years. To each other!



Till next...........