The balancing act of passing 50.....

Is a very tricky one indeed. I crossed a half century of pissing people off last October so I've had a few months to formulate a plan for the rest of my years. Not anything as drastic as a financial retirement plan, more of a general set of rules to keep me from sitting on a park bench mumbling about the grassy knoll to people who pass by too closely. Just some thoughts to focus on to keep me as young as I can be.
   There is an old and crass joke that says the three rules of getting old are 1. Never pass up the chance to take a nap 2. Never trust a fart 3. Never waste an erection because you don't know when the next one is going to appear. While those are certainly three valid points they don't work well for me. I don't ever take naps and I can't live with the constant fear of the fart. As far as the erections, unless I'm in the company wife it won't matter, I'm just not that into me anymore. I've heard all my best pick up lines and seen all my moves. I'll wait for the next one anyway, thank you very much. It's time to introduce three new rules of getting older.
   First is to resist using the phrase, "when I was a kid" or any derivation thereof. News flash: Nobody gives a crap about what happened when you were a kid. Do you think someone tweeting on a cell phone can relate to you wrapping yourself up in that extra long telephone cord trying to get out of your parents hearing range. Or someone on an Ipad is going to stop what they are doing and ask you, "Please tell me more about how great the 80's were. I never tire of listening to the people who were responsible for parachute pants and leg warmers"? Not only will it never happen, it never should. Keep your memories in the current aggrandized form and move on. The look of boredom and scorn this phrase produces will make you feel old instantly.
     Second is to not give in to the urge to quit doing the things you did when you were younger. I am not suggesting if you used to like going on a three day drunk and ending up in a different state you should do so now. (This is not an admission such a thing occurred) Whatever it was that you loved to do that kept you active when you were younger, should keep you active now. Maybe we run a lot slower or swim at a more deliberate pace but at least we should keep doing it. Golf once a week if that's what you like, or paint or write poetry but don't let yourself think you can't because you're a certain age. An added benefit is watching people a lot younger than you look confused when you pass them or win a game against them. (I am growing older, I never said I am growing up).
     The third new rule is the toughest one to do. It involves stepping out of our comfort zone in a big way. As life kicks the snot out of us over the years we become jaded and cynical. The inevitable result is we limit our circle of friends, share our lives with fewer and fewer people. The best thing we can do to keep from becoming a grumpy old man or woman is to talk and become friends with younger people. Each generation thinks the younger generation will be the end of us all. And they are always wrong. Personally when I see a kid with his ass hanging out of his pants and a backward baseball cap sitting crooked on his head it takes a lot of effort to look past it. Then I remember how I used to wear my hair and the clothes I wore. Oops. Judge not lest you be judged indeed. I'm sure they look at us with our pants hiked up to our armpits and twenty dollars in loose coins rattling in our pocket and wonder how we held a job as well. But by actually engaging kids and young adults a funny thing happens that defies logic. You find a common ground and walk away feeling just a little better about them and you. Don't know why it works but it does, I do it daily.
    Hopefully these ideas will help in your journey to the early bird special at Kips Big Boy or wherever. We should ask ourselves one question each year on our birthday: Do I define my age or does my age define me? I'm going to do the defining.

Till next.....