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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

How to close Guantanamo Bay in one year.....

  Given the fact that a big deal has been made out of closing the terrorist country club of Gitmo for the last five years or so I thought maybe I could help. The sixth amendment not withstanding, we have a bunch of really nasty characters that we can't release because they are too dangerous and no other country wants them either. So how about we let them experience our culture first hand? Here is what I had in mind.
  Let's divide the work program into the four seasons, more or less. January through March our guests will be stationed in my hometown of Painesdale, Michigan working the snow removal program. This year they have had 320 inches of snow thus far so I know they could use the help. Because most of these guys come from places that don't exactly embrace technology we will skip the snow plow training and hand out shovels. I'm thinking 12 hours of shoveling snow just to watch a snow plow put it right back where it was will have them longing for the good old days of caves and camels. At least the women will be dressed similar to what they are used to. A burka and a snow mobile suit are not that different in amount of exposed skin.
   For springtime it is down south to Atlanta for the beautiful blooming season. For work we can start at all the car dealerships washing the pollen off of the cars. I realize that there may be allergy issues because the homeland of our guests has two types of plants; heroin poppies and rocks. Perhaps a diet of strictly dairy products would help. For night time work we will have them work security at the Clermont Lounge. These are supposedly some pretty tough guys right? They will have to be for this detail. Cover your eyes fellas!
  No summer would be complete without a trip to the southwest. How about Texas and Arizona? We obviously have no idea how to build a fence (unless it involves the restriction of cattle, then we rock) so how about helping us out by constructing that border fence for us? You'll probably run into some people you know while you're working, but don't let them in. That would be defeating the purpose. There will be plenty of Lone Star beer and barbecue to keep you hydrated and energized for the work. Thanks for the help.
  We will need to split the last season into two parts. The first will spent raking leaves at all of our national parks. What better way to appreciate the beauty of the country you hate so much? Starting on Thanksgiving you will be working customer service at area Wal-Marts. This will be the ultimate slice of American humanity for all of the Gitmo visitors. Try to keep a helpful and joyous attitude. I strongly believe that everyone will be begging for water-boarding by the end of the year. I'm just trying to help.

Till next.......

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

A very hard holiday to celebrate...

  My day started out with two sales calls, the last one being a local health food store. After our appointment had concluded I was leaving when the girl behind the counter gave me a cheery, "Have a happy Earth Day." I answered with a simple thank you and got into my fossil fuel burning car and headed to the grocery store to pick up some lunch. But now I had a problem, it was Earth Day and with that knowledge being thrust upon me it made my choices for lunch and the rest of the day much more complicated. What to do, what to do?
  Steak was what I'm in the mood for but then I remember the impending doom of mankind produced by cow farts. How could I possibly add to the bovine flatulence tsunami threatening the planet. Personally I think the biggest danger of a cow fart is if you are standing next to one but, it is Earth Day. Maybe some chicken? Have you ever seen the inhumane way these chickens are treated? Not to mention the steroids that are pumped into our fine feathered friends. There is no way I could eat a chicken on Earth Day.
  Vegetables seem to be the only way to go. A nice salad, produced by genetically modified seeds sounds somewhat appealing. Can't go there either. Luckily I can go to organic veggies and free range chicken eggs. Perfect. The eggs are in a Styrofoam container. The organic vegetables have a Styrofoam bottom and plastic wrapped around the top. Styrofoam is bad for the planet because it doesn't rot fast enough and plastic is made from petroleum. There goes the vegetables and the eggs. I'm running out of options quickly.
  Ice cream comes from cows but I remember seeing a commercial about the cows being the happiest cows on Earth. Maybe they were happy enough not to fart so I went with their ice cream. Yes, I eat ice cream for lunch, breakfast or dinner. I am blessed by the fact I eat what I want, when I want, how much I want and my weight hasn't moved in 30 years. (women reading this blog: I realize I am now one of the most hated men you know with the exception of your ex and George Clooney because he still hasn't called) With my eco-friendly half gallon in hand I headed for the checkout line feeling pretty good.
  After the clerk rang up my purchase he asked if I wanted I bag? What kind of bag? Paper, cutting down our treasured trees on Earth Day seemed almost criminal. Plastic? Big oil companies leaking oil everywhere just so my hand doesn't have to touch the ice cream sounds directly opposed to the spirit of the holiday. Then I looked closer at the carton containing the ice cream. Oh no, it is some form of cardboard. More trees being cut down on this holiest of holidays.(for trees I guess) Racked with guilt I declined the offer for the bag and went home and put the ice cream away in the freezer until tomorrow when I can eat it guilt free.
    Lowering my head in shame over my Earth Day transgressions I see my shoes. Tennis shoes with rubber soles. Damn, burning rubber produces thick black smoke, off with the shoes. My shirt, cotton, another plant that had to die. Never mind the fact that plants produce oxygen that actually let's us live. It  is Earth Day, damn it. I'm committed now, off with the shirt, shorts and socks. I walk softly onto the grass taking great care not to damage even a blade and sit quietly taking very shallow breaths. I know that we now treat CO2 has a dangerous gas so every time I exhale I'm violating the true spirit of Earth Day. Perhaps one day we will all be able to embrace the ultimate celebration of Earth Day and just quit breathing for that day. Happy Earth  Day my ass. I'm hungry, naked and pretty sure the neighbors are going to call the police.

Till next......

Monday, April 21, 2014

Totally Random Ramblings......

  While this would be a perfect title for the speeches of our elected officials it is not the content of this blog today. What follows is just a collection of thoughts that have crept past my twisted mind in the last few days. There is no deep meaning, hidden messages or moral to the story, similar to an episode of Psych.
  Chicks dig foreign accents. They seem especially smitten with Italian or French. Even Australian piques the interest of the average female. (how else do you explain the success of Crocodile Dundee) There is one glaring exception to this rule: Canadian. No couple has ever watched Fargo, hurried home, got naked and thrown the McKenzie Brothers 12 Days of Christmas song on the stereo and gotten busy. Never happened.
  I come by my sarcasm honestly. When I was a child our family was watching The Waltons on television and when they all starting saying good night to each other, I started making comments about our family getting as big as the Waltons.(I think they had 8 kids, we were at 5, 6 came a few years later) My father had heard enough and remarked with a growl, "If you were born after John Boy they sure as hell wouldn't have had six more." That comment should be worth a hour on a therapists couch alone. Well played, Dad.
  The legalization of pot for recreational use raises some issues. Will it be illegal to work under the influence of pot? If so, we should go ahead and close 80% of all restaurants, all head shops, the Mayors' office in Toronto and the DMV. Sorry, I know the DMV is already drug tested but they moved like they are stoned already. How are the police going to test drivers? Ask them to complete the lyrics of Pink Floyd songs? Recite the alphabet forward? Check for used Twinkie wrappers and empty Pringles cans in the backseat? Will they have a 'slow lane' for stoners? There are some things that need to be worked out, obviously.
  There appears to be a fashion trend among women to wear very high heels and even shorter skirts. If this continues we will soon witness a woman on stilts wearing one of those pouches the guys at Home Depot wear to keep their tools in. At some point even the strippers are going to say they've gone too far.
  On Friday there was a 4 page article on the fact that sarcasm could be hurtful. My initial reaction, no kidding, I hope your parents didn't pay for that journalism degree. The money would have been better spent getting a science degree and telling me water was wet. Like I said earlier, I come by it honestly. A shovel can be hurtful if someone hits you in the head with it but it doesn't take 4 pages to tell me that either.
  Is anyone else glad that Burger King quit running those ads with the creepy, big plastic headed guy waking up in someones' bed? Didn't their slogan used to be "Have it your way."? My way would be to keep that clown school drop out with the pedophilia like grin far away form any room in my house. Somebody actually convinced Burger King those were good commercials. I can hear the pitch meeting now. "So we dress him up in robes like a king and then put a big friggin' plastic head on top of him. And we put a smile on his face, kind of like the Joker from Batman only without the warm and fuzzy feeling. Then we can put him in the bed with people or on a playground. It tested well with our focus group." Sure, the focus group was a federal penitentiary at San Quentin but why quibble over details. Good riddance, Creepy King.
  When I brought my car in for an oil change I was asked if I wanted my tires balanced. I replied, "Sure, do you have a seal back there? Or are you going to do the Harlem Globetrotter thing on your finger?" After a long period of staring at each other I said that the oil change was all I needed. More hurtful sarcasm.

Till next......