Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The best way to keep your pride in check.....

 The most effective way to remain humble that I have found is to subject yourself to the annual garage sale. We live in a community that decides one Saturday every year to allow all the residents to sell priceless items that have been accumulated over time to other residents (and every one else who speaks Spanish) through the time honored tradition of a garage sale. It's a big deal. People prepare their displays on Friday hoping it doesn't rain overnight because they want to be ready at daylight. And normally the first customer arrives well before then, somewhere between the delivery of the morning paper and the first cup of coffee.
  Now is when the humility begins in earnest. Sure, you may have paid a couple of hundred dollars for that suit that doesn't quite fit anymore but in the world of the weekend Fred Sanford crowd it's worth about $5 cash. Your grandmother gave you a silver serving tray that is priceless, well not quite, it will fetch you a dollar. That lifelong dream of finally getting in great shape has been gathering dust in the form of a Bowflex or some other do-it-yourself fitness machine may have cost you an arm and a leg but garage sale value runs about 10 bucks if you find the right motivated buyer. Furniture is one of those things you buy with an emotional attachment, memories may be contained in that leather sofa but you need to get over it. Sure you made payments all the way through the last decade to buy it but you're going to get less than $20 to get it off your driveway. It doesn't take long to realize that what you thought was great isn't worth all that much.
  But the true self esteem kick in the crotch comes in the form of negotiation. How can you think you have succeeded in life when an elderly lady staggers out of her 1971 Buick and tells you that 50 cents is too much for that painting you drop a hundred bucks on last year? Or when that stainless steel cookware that brought you such joy when you bought it is reduced to $4 because the couple that just bought them negotiated like they were on Shark Tank? I've actually had someone offer me one dollar for some shirts I was selling. Nice dress shirts that had brand names. Not a dollar per shirt mind you, five shirts for a dollar. Sold them right along with what was left of my pride at this point. Factoring in the gas I didn't use going to Goodwill, winner.
  I really think it's time to change this into a new reality show, Garage Swap. We take a couple in the suburbs and switch their garage with another couple who lives in another country. How cool would that be? Get rid of all your junk and get a surprise from somewhere around the world. I wonder if the Chinese have the same crap in their garage? Probably not because they built all the crap and sold it to us in the first place. Can you imagine the thrill someone in Darfur might get when they opened the door and found the refrigerator in my garage? Sure once they found out it needed electricity to work (even then it was broke) the joy would evaporate quicker than a fallen dictator but a little happiness is better than none. I know someone Siberia would do cartwheels or at least snow angels when they found the lawn mower and leaf blower. This idea can't be any worse than the Real Housewives of where ever the hell they find crazy people.
  Everybody has gone through at least one garage sale in their life. Hopefully one was enough for you to realize the value of a tax deduction is greater than the $20 you will garner while finding out that you and your stuff just ain't all that. Keep your stuff in the garage and feel good about yourself, it's worth the money.

Till next.....

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

How to close Guantanamo Bay in one year.....

  Given the fact that a big deal has been made out of closing the terrorist country club of Gitmo for the last five years or so I thought maybe I could help. The sixth amendment not withstanding, we have a bunch of really nasty characters that we can't release because they are too dangerous and no other country wants them either. So how about we let them experience our culture first hand? Here is what I had in mind.
  Let's divide the work program into the four seasons, more or less. January through March our guests will be stationed in my hometown of Painesdale, Michigan working the snow removal program. This year they have had 320 inches of snow thus far so I know they could use the help. Because most of these guys come from places that don't exactly embrace technology we will skip the snow plow training and hand out shovels. I'm thinking 12 hours of shoveling snow just to watch a snow plow put it right back where it was will have them longing for the good old days of caves and camels. At least the women will be dressed similar to what they are used to. A burka and a snow mobile suit are not that different in amount of exposed skin.
   For springtime it is down south to Atlanta for the beautiful blooming season. For work we can start at all the car dealerships washing the pollen off of the cars. I realize that there may be allergy issues because the homeland of our guests has two types of plants; heroin poppies and rocks. Perhaps a diet of strictly dairy products would help. For night time work we will have them work security at the Clermont Lounge. These are supposedly some pretty tough guys right? They will have to be for this detail. Cover your eyes fellas!
  No summer would be complete without a trip to the southwest. How about Texas and Arizona? We obviously have no idea how to build a fence (unless it involves the restriction of cattle, then we rock) so how about helping us out by constructing that border fence for us? You'll probably run into some people you know while you're working, but don't let them in. That would be defeating the purpose. There will be plenty of Lone Star beer and barbecue to keep you hydrated and energized for the work. Thanks for the help.
  We will need to split the last season into two parts. The first will spent raking leaves at all of our national parks. What better way to appreciate the beauty of the country you hate so much? Starting on Thanksgiving you will be working customer service at area Wal-Marts. This will be the ultimate slice of American humanity for all of the Gitmo visitors. Try to keep a helpful and joyous attitude. I strongly believe that everyone will be begging for water-boarding by the end of the year. I'm just trying to help.

Till next.......

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

A very hard holiday to celebrate...

  My day started out with two sales calls, the last one being a local health food store. After our appointment had concluded I was leaving when the girl behind the counter gave me a cheery, "Have a happy Earth Day." I answered with a simple thank you and got into my fossil fuel burning car and headed to the grocery store to pick up some lunch. But now I had a problem, it was Earth Day and with that knowledge being thrust upon me it made my choices for lunch and the rest of the day much more complicated. What to do, what to do?
  Steak was what I'm in the mood for but then I remember the impending doom of mankind produced by cow farts. How could I possibly add to the bovine flatulence tsunami threatening the planet. Personally I think the biggest danger of a cow fart is if you are standing next to one but, it is Earth Day. Maybe some chicken? Have you ever seen the inhumane way these chickens are treated? Not to mention the steroids that are pumped into our fine feathered friends. There is no way I could eat a chicken on Earth Day.
  Vegetables seem to be the only way to go. A nice salad, produced by genetically modified seeds sounds somewhat appealing. Can't go there either. Luckily I can go to organic veggies and free range chicken eggs. Perfect. The eggs are in a Styrofoam container. The organic vegetables have a Styrofoam bottom and plastic wrapped around the top. Styrofoam is bad for the planet because it doesn't rot fast enough and plastic is made from petroleum. There goes the vegetables and the eggs. I'm running out of options quickly.
  Ice cream comes from cows but I remember seeing a commercial about the cows being the happiest cows on Earth. Maybe they were happy enough not to fart so I went with their ice cream. Yes, I eat ice cream for lunch, breakfast or dinner. I am blessed by the fact I eat what I want, when I want, how much I want and my weight hasn't moved in 30 years. (women reading this blog: I realize I am now one of the most hated men you know with the exception of your ex and George Clooney because he still hasn't called) With my eco-friendly half gallon in hand I headed for the checkout line feeling pretty good.
  After the clerk rang up my purchase he asked if I wanted I bag? What kind of bag? Paper, cutting down our treasured trees on Earth Day seemed almost criminal. Plastic? Big oil companies leaking oil everywhere just so my hand doesn't have to touch the ice cream sounds directly opposed to the spirit of the holiday. Then I looked closer at the carton containing the ice cream. Oh no, it is some form of cardboard. More trees being cut down on this holiest of holidays.(for trees I guess) Racked with guilt I declined the offer for the bag and went home and put the ice cream away in the freezer until tomorrow when I can eat it guilt free.
    Lowering my head in shame over my Earth Day transgressions I see my shoes. Tennis shoes with rubber soles. Damn, burning rubber produces thick black smoke, off with the shoes. My shirt, cotton, another plant that had to die. Never mind the fact that plants produce oxygen that actually let's us live. It  is Earth Day, damn it. I'm committed now, off with the shirt, shorts and socks. I walk softly onto the grass taking great care not to damage even a blade and sit quietly taking very shallow breaths. I know that we now treat CO2 has a dangerous gas so every time I exhale I'm violating the true spirit of Earth Day. Perhaps one day we will all be able to embrace the ultimate celebration of Earth Day and just quit breathing for that day. Happy Earth  Day my ass. I'm hungry, naked and pretty sure the neighbors are going to call the police.

Till next......

Monday, April 21, 2014

Totally Random Ramblings......

  While this would be a perfect title for the speeches of our elected officials it is not the content of this blog today. What follows is just a collection of thoughts that have crept past my twisted mind in the last few days. There is no deep meaning, hidden messages or moral to the story, similar to an episode of Psych.
  Chicks dig foreign accents. They seem especially smitten with Italian or French. Even Australian piques the interest of the average female. (how else do you explain the success of Crocodile Dundee) There is one glaring exception to this rule: Canadian. No couple has ever watched Fargo, hurried home, got naked and thrown the McKenzie Brothers 12 Days of Christmas song on the stereo and gotten busy. Never happened.
  I come by my sarcasm honestly. When I was a child our family was watching The Waltons on television and when they all starting saying good night to each other, I started making comments about our family getting as big as the Waltons.(I think they had 8 kids, we were at 5, 6 came a few years later) My father had heard enough and remarked with a growl, "If you were born after John Boy they sure as hell wouldn't have had six more." That comment should be worth a hour on a therapists couch alone. Well played, Dad.
  The legalization of pot for recreational use raises some issues. Will it be illegal to work under the influence of pot? If so, we should go ahead and close 80% of all restaurants, all head shops, the Mayors' office in Toronto and the DMV. Sorry, I know the DMV is already drug tested but they moved like they are stoned already. How are the police going to test drivers? Ask them to complete the lyrics of Pink Floyd songs? Recite the alphabet forward? Check for used Twinkie wrappers and empty Pringles cans in the backseat? Will they have a 'slow lane' for stoners? There are some things that need to be worked out, obviously.
  There appears to be a fashion trend among women to wear very high heels and even shorter skirts. If this continues we will soon witness a woman on stilts wearing one of those pouches the guys at Home Depot wear to keep their tools in. At some point even the strippers are going to say they've gone too far.
  On Friday there was a 4 page article on the fact that sarcasm could be hurtful. My initial reaction, no kidding, I hope your parents didn't pay for that journalism degree. The money would have been better spent getting a science degree and telling me water was wet. Like I said earlier, I come by it honestly. A shovel can be hurtful if someone hits you in the head with it but it doesn't take 4 pages to tell me that either.
  Is anyone else glad that Burger King quit running those ads with the creepy, big plastic headed guy waking up in someones' bed? Didn't their slogan used to be "Have it your way."? My way would be to keep that clown school drop out with the pedophilia like grin far away form any room in my house. Somebody actually convinced Burger King those were good commercials. I can hear the pitch meeting now. "So we dress him up in robes like a king and then put a big friggin' plastic head on top of him. And we put a smile on his face, kind of like the Joker from Batman only without the warm and fuzzy feeling. Then we can put him in the bed with people or on a playground. It tested well with our focus group." Sure, the focus group was a federal penitentiary at San Quentin but why quibble over details. Good riddance, Creepy King.
  When I brought my car in for an oil change I was asked if I wanted my tires balanced. I replied, "Sure, do you have a seal back there? Or are you going to do the Harlem Globetrotter thing on your finger?" After a long period of staring at each other I said that the oil change was all I needed. More hurtful sarcasm.

Till next......
 

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Shout out to my peeps....

and all the other traditional holiday food of my childhood. I did not grow up in a religious home so the Easter holiday centered much more around the sugar high that followed the opening of our huge baskets filled with peeps, chocolate bunnies and assorted other candy. He may have risen but I was practically flying by the time a three foot milk chocolate lemur had been devoured. Candy and presents, Happy Easter indeed.
  But like any holiday, Easter always had the big traditional dinner. At our house it was always ham which dropped Easter down with New Year's Day as far as dinners go. I do not like ham, on a boat or with a goat or any other form of transportation or animal. Any meat that needs to be covered in glaze is obviously not that tasty to begin with. Pineapple and brown sugar are very similar to lingerie, it really looks pretty but it doesn't change what is underneath, it's still ham.At least there was always mashed potatoes and vegetables.
  Fast forward to the holidays of Memorial Day and the 4th of July. When it comes to holiday meals it is very hard to beat the grilled combination of hamburgers and hot dogs. Taste is fantastic, preparation is minimal and clean up is almost nothing. You add in some potato salad and chips, what's not to love? The real bonus is you can do this several times in the same day. Try that with a ham, go ahead, I dare you.
  Now we get to the meat of the holiday feast, the Thanksgiving Day turkey dinner. Of course the turkey is great, but the sheer volume of side dishes and desserts is magnificent. Growing up there was always plenty of fresh vegetables, breads and of course, rutabagas. For those who have never heard me espouse the greatness of the most under-rated root vegetable ever, here is a quick reminder. The rutabaga is much like a turnip only yellow in color. They are a pain in the ass to peel but after being boiled and mashed, coated in butter, salt and pepper, they taste delicious. Huge fiber and vitamin content makes it an almost perfect vegetable. The main drawback is the smell when cooking them. People who live next to sulfur plants will open their windows to try and cover the smell of boiling rutabagas. It's still worth it for the taste, sort of. Then you get to the pies, apple, pumpkin and pecan. Don't like pie? How about fruit salad, pistachio cream, ice cream or brownies? Yep, we had them all and I have tried to keep the excess up as an adult.
  Christmas dinner was almost the same as Thanksgiving except there was a greater emphasis on cookies. The size of the turkey for these two feasts has not varied much over the years at all. We always had a turkey that was over 22 pounds, sometimes well over. This tradition still holds true today no matter how many people are attending.My parents still cook a huge bird even if there are only 4 people eating. Two years ago, I roasted a 24 pound turkey complete with all the trimmings. Scarlett ate a small helping of turkey, I ate the rest. It took me almost a week to get through the leftover food. We were the only people home that year but that small fact can't ends years of tradition. Man cannot survive on bread alone, but put some leftover turkey with mayonnaise, salt and pepper and he can rival Methuselah.
  The one dinner I never fully understood was the black-eyed pea tradition on New Years Day. It's said that it brings you good luck. It takes a lot of luck to not inadvertently fart after eating several helpings. This tradition may have been invented by Febreeze or Glade air fresheners. If flatulence equals good luck I should get on a plane to Vegas after the black-eyed peas. And buy a lottery ticket on my way to the airport. So it doesn't matter what your holiday feast is, as long as you enjoy it. Eat, drink and be merry my peeps.
  Do you make the same holiday meals your parents did? Just curious.

Till next.....

   
   

Friday, April 18, 2014

Justice delayed is justice denied, but for who?....

  One of the most fascinating things happened almost 14 years ago when a man held up a Burger King manager with a gun when he was making a bank deposit. He was more of a boy than a man and he and his cousin actually used an air gun. The conviction for young Cornealious Anderson was for 13 years and considering the circumstances it was not unreasonable. You make bad decisions and you have to pay for them. After being bonded out of jail he was told the Missouri Department of Corrections would let him know when to report to jail. The problem or blessing was the call never came. Not for 13 years anyway.
  The real surprise of the story is what Anderson did in the 13 years. He worked, hard. He got married, had a family and started 3 different businesses. He paid his taxes and even a couple of speeding tickets. His real name, real address and real picture. The entire time he made no effort to flee or even hide. I'm sure the more time went by, the more he just kept doing what was right, the more he thought they had forgotten about him. Actually, I don't what he thought. Judging by his actions he seemed to think that anyway. Then after 13 years the MDOC found the clerical error when they went to release him. So they sent a SWAT team to his house and arrested him when he was feeding his 3 year old daughter. The piper came a calling and he answered.
  Currently he is in jail while they try and figure out what to do. His lawyer is pushing for release and the state wants him to do the entire 13 year stint. There is no question that justice has been delayed, but has it been denied? Every morning for over a decade Anderson woke up wondering if he was going to jail. That is some sort of sentence served but certainly not a jail cell. But was it his fault? No. Does that change the fact that he was sentenced? No. The state is demanding justice but the delay was on them. Justice it seems is at stand still here. The Governor can commute the sentence which is what happened back in 1912 but so far there has been no comment. Perhaps he could serve some time on weekends or do community service. I don't see how taking a productive member of our society and jailing him serves the states interest. Hopefully they can work out a logical solution. But that is not what made this so interesting to me. It was what Anderson did.
  What would I do in that situation? Would I try and make a difference everyday I was out? Start a business? Would I get married and start a family? It's hard to say without being in his shoes but my initial answer would be, not only no, but hell no. Given my destructive nature I would be much more likely to spend every day curled up with a bottle of the best thing to come out of Kentucky (except Kevin McCarthy and Justified). Or maybe I would make the rounds and visit old friends and family. Perhaps I would consider running, changing my name, my appearance and everything else I could.  How do you explain a 20 year old kid taking the path he did? You're freedom is about to disappear every time the phone rings and all you do is start a life that any man or woman or parent would be proud of? Would you do the same? Would I? Would I want a person like that in jail? I think the justice delay may not have denied justice, it may have come in a different form.

Till next......
 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Can you spare 5 minutes a week?..I need volunteers...

  With the explosion of social media I can't help but notice the law of unintended consequences has reared its ugly head once again. I have stumbled on Tumbler, shown my ass on Facebook, instantly became addicted to Instagram, Flicked, Pinned and Tweeted away more than one afternoon and I suspect I am not alone. We have become so good at connecting in 140 characters or less that we have lost the ability to connect in the real world. I was waiting in a dentist office and there were 4 other people, all engrossed on their smart phones just like me. I am old enough to remember when I would have spoken to all of them.
  What is the cost of all our new found connectivity? I suggest that the real cost is the loss of relationships. Have you ever met anyone who you became friends with while waiting in line? I know I have. Or just heard an interesting story between other people talking? Me too, but it hasn't been lately. If it wasn't for Bluetooth I'm not sure people would even speak in public anymore. So instead of becoming a more friendly, integrated society we are becoming more isolated, unless you count a smart phone or laptop. We are becoming more concerned with what our followers or "friends" on Facebook are doing than we are with the people we actually interact with every day. May be that's why the country seems so easily divided these days.
  Because of these observations I decided I was going to do something to change it. Once a week I am going to take 5 or 10 minutes and connect with someone I don't know but see on occasion. It might be a grocery check out person, dry cleaner or even a pizza delivery guy. Just 5 minutes to find out where they are from, do they have a family, like their job, whatever. People love to talk about themselves so it won't be very hard. (I have a blog based on that fact) Some of the people I talk to might end up being one hour conversations. Who knows, I might even find a friend or two while I'm at it. At the very least, I'm going to try a put a smile on someones face. I'm sure there will be a few that will leave me shaking my head but that is okay too.
  My personal goal is two people a week so a year from now I can say I've got 100 new friends. I love the thought of telling people, "Ask for John at Starbucks or Tom at Home Depot, they are good guys" for no other reason than it makes people feel good. There is no monetary gain in this project of mine. It's not a human chain letter where if you don't do it bad luck will swarm over you. It's nothing more than a chance to try and connect more people and hopefully find out all of us have more in common than we think. Even if you just try it for a couple of weeks all you have spent is 10 minutes of not watching cat videos on You Tube anyway.
  I am starting this today but it would be much more fun and have a greater impact if people would join me in it. If you are the cynical and jaded type (I am) think of all the sarcasm laced stories you will have if everybody you meet is a complete tool. Comedy gold, but I doubt that will be the case. If you want to try this with me just comment, like or share the blog post. Or re-tweet it. This going to be fun.

Till next.....
 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The four wheel CEO......

  A couple of weeks ago I heard Jim Cramer, the host of Mad Money talking about living in his car for a period of time. He mentioned another CEO who went through the same experience. My sincere apologies that I can't remember the other man's name but the fact that there was more than two of us made me think it was time to offer some tips to anyone going the mobile domicile route. I do not recommend it but you will see there is a benefit to doing so.
  Most people don't wait till their mid 40's to live in a car but I am an innovator. One morning I woke up with no job, no wife, no house, no money and no ability to see my kids every morning when they woke up. To say that each day was not filled sunshine and lollipops would be the king of understatements. Rather than admit to those who remained close to me (excluding my family it was a short list) I decided to figure it all out myself. As a side note, this particular way of thinking is horrible and should be avoided at all costs. It was my thinking and lack of asking for help that got me where I was, I should have known better. But it was time for me to be resourceful. So I developed a routine that you will think is funny and sad at the same time.
  The first rule of living in one's car is the proper selection of where to park at night when you sleep. Living in Memphis complicated this decision more than a little bit. Memphis is where criminals move away from because the competition is to tough. I selected grocery store parking lots to begin with, until the security guards figured out I wasn't doing much shopping. After exhausting Kroger's patience I went for the hotels. They have a tendency to call the police when they see a man sleeping in his car. Stay away from the hotels.
  Finally I found out what works. I took the last $20 I had in my pocket and joined a 24 health club. At the end of the day when I was through working my 3 jobs to get back on my feet (and in a bed) I would head to the club. After a good workout, I would head to the steam room and then the shower.A valuable tip here is to not fall asleep in the steam room. I came out after a 2 hour nap looking like Pruneface from the Dick Tracy cartoons. The couches in the entryway were an excellent place to catch a couple of winks. The staff was helpful, letting me crash right in the front of the club. I became such good friends with one girl that I heard her asking an incoming guest to keep his voice down because I was napping. I knew then my time was probably running out. The next night I was awakened in my car by a night stick tapping on my window and an officer with an attitude. When he asked where I lived and I pointed to the car he told me to move out of his area. Sympathy has never been a strong suit of the Memphis Police Department.
  Dining when you are homeless and broke is another hurdle to jump. Every morning I would show up with my suit pressed (meaning I hung it in the steam room while I showered) look at my fake Rolex, furrow my brow and head for the front desk. "Has anyone asked for me?" I would say with my best salesman smile. The answer was always no because I didn't know anybody at the hotel. I just wanted the free breakfast. "Do you mind if I have a seat at one of the tables?" Well, who would refuse such a request? Not the front desk at some of the finest hotels in Memphis. I would eat until I tasted bile and then head out the door to get to work. Some of the front desk people eventually knew my name and greeted with a big, "Good Morning, Chris." Blanche Dubois had it right about the kindness of strangers.
  Even the best of free buffets will not hold you for 24 hours. Dinner can be found at Sam's Club or some of the bars around town. I found a car dealership across the street from the liquor store where I took a job working nights that gave away free hot dogs if you were willing to take a test drive of a new pickup truck and take the selling ass whipping in return. Free hot dogs? Give me your best pitch. 2 weeks later the manager came over to me and said I could have the hot dogs without the test drive. Apparently they were running out of salesman. I love it when a plan comes together. I did miss the test drives though. I also took a job with Papa Johns because I needed the money and I knew there would be free food. At the end of the night every pizza place lets the employees eat the mistakes that were made throughout the shift. Is it safe to eat a 5 hour old pizza that has been sitting out at room temperature? Mostly, but constipation was never a problem after partaking of the 'buss tub buffet'. Location of an available restroom was important.
  Three months later I had saved up enough money to get an apartment and get back on the grid. I don't relate this story because it made me mad or bitter. On the contrary it taught me that no matter what the circumstances I will not quit. Fear is one of those things that we all have, some more than others. But once a fear is conquered, it's conquered for good. Do I still fear failing? Yep, but I don't fear losing everything. Been there, done that. Well, not everything really. I didn't lose my faith (questioned it severely) the love of my family and kids and a few friends. If I had said I was homeless I'm sure they would have helped. As it turned out I'm glad I didn't. I haven't gone on to the success of Jim Cramer or the other guy, but I did get back on feet. I did start my own merchant processing business. I did write and publish my first novel. Compared to living in the car, I would have to say I have become somewhat successful.
  I wasn't dating at the time but part of me wanted to hear a woman ask me if we could go back to my place. "Sure, make yourself comfortable, unbuckle the seat belt."

Till Next.....


   

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Ancient Chinese secret?....Not at all...

  The one household chore that I have never minded doing was laundry. It's not that I'm a great husband (I have two court documents to prove otherwise) so much as it is the fact that laundry can be done in conjunction with other important jobs. Start a load of clothes and turn on the ballgame, wait till halftime, move them to the dryer, watch the second half of the game, fold the clothes and repeat if needed. Why wouldn't a man want to embrace the easiest of tasks? Because once you begin, you get the rules. Rules?
  For those of you who are single the rules have probably been taught to you at some point. Hopefully you have the good sense to ignore them. When I was single the laundry rules consisted of the sniff test and a constant battle of re-balancing the washing machine during the spin cycle. Once you pack that bad boy full of everything you own and it gets to spinning sideways it makes a lot of noise. I'm pretty sure that on one such occasion the washing machine actually rattled all the way into the living room before I got off the couch. What about ironing your clothes? I don't know how it works for shirts but it makes a great grilled cheese sandwich. The rules are for those who choose to follow them. Fight the power, if you're single.
  Apparently the color of clothing is mystically linked to water temperature. Newton, Einstein or even Bill Nye have not been able to explain the fact that white clothes must be washed in hot or warm water. Dark clothes will be vaporized if they are washed in anything other than cold water. Don't even get me started on red or pink clothing. They are the kosher color of clothes. They must not touch or even be seen by the other clothes. I've seen nuclear waste handled with less care than a red shirt. If it also has a tag that reads delicate, a special protocol must be followed. If you have a hazardous material suit at your disposal that will help. These must be washed by the hands of a monk who had spent at least a decade in some sort of laundry monastery I like to wash the reds with the whites because I like the color pink. I am an innovator.
  Did you know that bras require there own bag during the washing? I didn't either. Then one day I pulled out a bra from the washer and every other piece of clothing had attached itself to the bra. It came out like a string of Corona pennants that you see around the patio of every Mexican restaurant. I should have walked straight out the back door and hooked the whole load to a tree. Sure, it would look like a bad episode of Green Acres but it would have been efficient. This little tip comes under the preparation of laundry.
  This is where laundry becomes confusing. As a man, I undress the same way every night. My shoes are kicked off and then I hook my big toe on my right foot into the bottom of my pants leg on the left leg and remove my socks and pants at the same time. I pull my shirt over my head by the arms so it is not inside out. Basically it looks like the rapture has occurred and I was taken away. Or if you have ever seen a snake shed his skin on Animal Planet you get the general idea. The clothes lay flat as if I disappeared. Women and children have an entirely different theory. They seem to remove the clothing as if they were on fire. Jeans rolled down from the waist with the socks and underwear buried somewhere in between. An entire wardrobe is reduced to a single textile ball. I have seen prostitutes undress with more deliberation. What I meant to say was I have a friend who has seen prostitutes undress with more deliberation. It takes longer to unravel the clothes than it does to wash and dry them. No wonder women don't like doing laundry. With all of the rules they follow I wouldn't like it either. That's why I don't follow them.

Till next.......

 . http://themeltingman.com/
 

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The Bachelor....KGB style....

Yesterday the most eligible bachelor in Russia became officially available. I wonder if Vlad Putin has thought about Match.com. Perhaps his profile would include:Likes, horseback riding (shirtless preferred) fishing (shirtless preferred) wrestling with bears, world domination, board games (Risk is my favorite) Dislikes: Freedom, opposing viewpoints, mom jeans. With a profile like that who wouldn't want to date a man who has probably killed people with his bare hands? But if you are a small town girl, living in a lonely world and you decide to meet with the boy born and raised in south Leningrad there are a few things to avoid.

1. If he suggests that you go to dinner at an out of the way place, decline. Unless you know where Siberia is and are okay with it.Stick to a busy place with plenty of eye witnesses.
2. Try not to ask too many personal questions. Rumor has it Vlad is a bit secretive. What's your favorite color? (Red) That is a safe one. Do you prefer poison or just starving your enemies is a question better suited for later in the relationship.
3. Try to steer clear of politics and religion.Vlad does not take well to people who disagree with him on politics. He has a disturbing tendency to have them killed. Religion is another touchy subject with him, judging by the number of people who suggested other ideas and disappeared. Stick to the basics.
4. Try to keep the conversation focused on the things you like and your history. He has probably been spying on you anyway and already knows the answers. It may seem a little creepy when he tells you he already knew the name of your childhood dog but play along. He is ex-KGB after all.
5. The last, but certainly not least, thing to avoid is moving too fast. Let's face it, he's a pretty good catch. He's got a good job, (until his party loses power, then he will be killed) he has a nice house,(palace) and doesn't mind getting his hands dirty.(good or bad) He seems to be a man's man in a world where there are fewer of them everyday.(Because he's having them killed) As attractive as all this may be, I wouldn't demand that he 'put a ring on it' right away. With the language barrier that could be misconstrued. He might put a ring on your wrist and ankles. We call them shackles but they are round metal bands either way.
I didn't include this on the list but stay away from a low cut top. Vladimir has a set of man cans that are probably a C cup and you don't want to make him feel inferior. Try to look at his eyes and keep from staring at his moobs. It might save your life.


Till next.......