Man Cave Musings: Sam Walton once said to celebrate your successes a...

Man Cave Musings: Sam Walton once said to celebrate your successes a...:    this is a story of an epic failure which if it occurred today I am reasonably certain there would be jail time. The fact that nobody went...

Sam Walton once said to celebrate your successes and find humor in your failures. Well,

   this is a story of an epic failure which if it occurred today I am reasonably certain there would be jail time. The fact that nobody went to jail is the success I celebrate in the spirit of Sam Walton. The failure part of this tale of woe is that responsible human beings should be in more control of their faculties and motor skills but as any regular reader of this blog knows that was not always the case with me. When I was a younger man I liked to have an occasional drink. But I always knew my limits unfortunately I passed out before I ever reached them. Hopefully this context frames the story better.
   My roommate and I (who will go by the name of Julio for this story) drove from Dallas to the old Arlington Stadium some 30 miles away to take in the Texas Rangers and New York Yankees baseball game in the summer of 1981. We were well stocked with plenty of ice cold King of Beers and may have been leading the early push for recreational use of cannabis on the drive to the game. Once we arrived and took our seats we kept the beer vendor busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. I'm pretty sure this poor guy should have received hazard pay for the amount of running we put him through. The game was entertaining but the real show started on the ride home.
   Shortly after leaving the very busy parking lot we were driving down the access road next to the freeway we need to get on when the car started the familiar shaking of a blown tire. Julio was doing an expert job of driving (we had only gone a mile). He eased off to the grass and engaged the emergency lights so we didn't get hit. I told him not to worry, I have changed quite a few flat tires in my day. Before I could even undo my seat belt the twinkling blue lights of the police car came up behind us. I'm sure they were there to protect me from getting turned into a speed bump. With a friendly wave to the officers in their car I opened the trunk and removed the jack. Actually it took me a while to line up the key in the lock after I had dropped them twice on the way to the trunk. I'm pretty sure the police were now watching for entertainment value. The show was under way.
   After deftly placing the jack underneath the frame I proceeded to raise the car so I could remove the tire. Then the car fell off the jack kicking the plate out from under the jack. After one or two minutes of staggering aimlessly I located the base of the jack and started the process over again. Luckily I learned quickly from my previous effort and got the car high enough to remove the tire. Working with a type of precision normally seen by blacksmiths I put the little donut tire on and screwed the lug nuts down tight. Once I lowered the car back to level ground I headed back to the passenger seat with a friendly wave to the boys in blue and buckled myself in.
   Julio put the car in drive and hit the gas. The car made the sound of a herd of cats in heat but did not move. I unfastened the seat belt again and jumped out to see what the problem was. While I was standing next to the car with a most drunken befuddled look a voice came from the loudspeaker on the cruiser behind us, "the tire is on backward". Shit! He was spot on. With another friendly wave of thanks to my serve and protect brethren behind me I retrieved the keys from Julio and began the process anew. Apparently the officers had seen enough to want to have a word with me. The officer asked if the driver had been drinking as well. I smiled and asked what made him think I was drinking. He laughed and said he was a highly trained officer and even if he wasn't his 6 year old daughter could tell I was drunk. My assurances that I was the one who had done the heavy drinking was the reason my very sober roommate was driving sounded good. He didn't seem convinced but did let me know they were going to hang around until we got back on the road. How fortunate for us.
   Once I returned the jack to the trunk I hurried back into the car and told Julio we were good to go. The lack of response didn't register until I heard the snoring. Loud, deep snoring the likes of which can only be produced by someone who has passed smooth out. I tried discreetly hitting him, kicking him and yelling at him to no avail. He was done partying for the night and apparently done being awake as well. So I exited the car and leaned in and grabbed him by the arms has best I could. Dragging him across the passenger seat and half way out of the car I sat him in my former seat and buckled him up. I'm pretty sure he looked dead when I had him dangling out of the car. Apparently the cops didn't think so but maybe because they were laughing too hard to notice.
   When I headed around the car to drive, the voice of reason from the car behind us summoned me over for a little chat. They presented me with an interesting option. I could drive the car and go to jail or we could sit in the car and wait for three hours then drive home without any further complications.
Even in my diminished mental capacity I realized a good deal when I heard it. Three hours later we drove home under the watchful eye of a police cruiser until we crossed the Tarrant County line. I was appreciative enough to give a salute to the car behind us. As you can tell it was easy to find humor in this failure. To this day I do not know why we were shown the kindness we were. Maybe it was the lack of an accident, different times back then, didn't want the extra paperwork that close to shift change or another reason that caused them to not arrest us. Whatever it was I am thankful for it.
   Some of the details and names were left out of the story to protect the innocent. My innocence lost its protection years ago.

Till next......

Man Cave Musings: I wonder why some people feel the need to be a ......

Man Cave Musings: I wonder why some people feel the need to be a ......:   pace car driving down the road. It makes perfect sense why a Nascar race would have one to ensure a fair start for everyone. For that matt...

I wonder why some people feel the need to be a .........

  pace car driving down the road. It makes perfect sense why a Nascar race would have one to ensure a fair start for everyone. For that matter I don't even have a problem with parades using a car or the dude with the furry shaped cone on his head carrying a baton to keep everyone in line. Although the thought of a rampant woodwind section of a marching band running unchecked down main street isn't really that frightening I get the premise. But why do some people take the role of pace car on a two lane road, driving 10 miles below the speed limit? I can just imagine the conversation when Pa Featherfoot arrives home and his wife asks how traffic was. "Great. I didn't see a car in front of me all day." That's because we were all stuck behind your rickshaw paced ass cursing with words usually reserved for a stubbed toe, missed extra point or a spilled beer. Despite my frustration with the habitually slow driver there is a worse pace car offender and everyone has dealt with him or her.
   You're cruising along at a nice rate of speed and all of sudden a car swerves from the right lane into the left lane at exactly the speed limit. He has no intention of going any faster than he currently is, his main objective is to make sure you don't either. The self-appointed pace car of consciousness. If he isn't willing to push the boundaries than no one else around him will either. Never mind the fact that you are just doing what you want to, in his mind it isn't fair or right that you would be so brazen to pass him by. Even though you've never met Mr. Sanctimonious personally he knows your type all too well. Oh yes, he has slowed down plenty of people who don't do what they're supposed to, who don't fall inline and act like the rest of us. The big problem is there are pace cars everywhere in life.
   More often than not the pace cars in your life are actually people who care about you. With the best of intentions your parents will tell you to "have a back up plan" in case your dreams don't work out. (I've said that to my kids and it was stupid) Parents always have the best interest of their children at heart they just don't realize how deeply their words can wound the very people they are trying to protect. I know some will say that's just guiding the kids but is it really? It sends the unspoken message that I don't really think you can succeed so be careful. And it's not just kids who have to try and get around the pace cars of life. There are plenty of them when you become an adult too.
   Have you ever had a co-worker or boss tell you to slow down? I have on more than one occasion. "You shouldn't be helping them so much because they will get the wrong impression" or "It makes us look bad when you work that hard" are two of the more egregious examples I can cite off the top of my head. You see, the pace cars have to keep everyone at the same speed or there will be judgements made. Just stay in your lane and we'll all get there at the same time is their way of thinking. Well that strikes me as a steaming pile of cow dung. If you want to work harder, show up earlier and stay later to advance than go ahead and do it. After all it's your race to run as much as anybody else's. If you want to continue learning and expand the knowledge in your field don't let anyone stop you. The reason pace cars go slower is because they, for whatever reason, have determined that going any faster or further is either dangerous or just not worth the effort. They have every right to decide that but the old adage of lead, follow or get the hell out of the way still applies.
   I have saved the most difficult pace cars for last. Because kids have a built in need to ignore parental advice and a lot of people have a healthy skepticism of authority anyway those pace cars can be easily navigated around compared to the last group. What do you do if the people telling you to slow down are your dear friends, spouse or siblings? Surely they wouldn't try and slow you down. Sadly the answer is yes they will. I'm not saying it's malicious in intent, in fact it's usually the opposite. With the best of reasons they might warn you about trying a new career or business, all the risks involved and the potential downfalls. They mean well but it could be because they are to scared to try something different. Or they are worried that you don't have what it takes to succeed but care for you too much to come out and say it. It might even be that subconsciously they wish they could do it but know they won't. People much smarter than me have spent years trying to figure out why people feel the need to hold someone back that they care about. I don't know the answer nor do I care.
   One thing I am quite certain of is that there are way more pace cars out there than we need. So if you come up on a pace car in life try and quickly flash your high beams and hope they let you by. If that doesn't work tailgate them so close they can't see the hood of your car and honk your horn. If all else fails pull off the road and take a different route because you are the only one driving your life.
   And if you happen to be a pace car, especially the one that swerves into the left lane for no reason, please run for Congress. At least you'll spend less time on the road screwing things up for the rest of us and you will be surrounded by other people who are content going slow and doing little.

Till next.......

Man Cave Musings: 5 things that have become more important as I've g...

Man Cave Musings: 5 things that have become more important as I've g...:    With age comes wisdom is an old axiom that I think is grounded more in hope than actual fact but it is undeniable that certain things do ...

5 things that have become more important as I've grown older.....

   With age comes wisdom is an old axiom that I think is grounded more in hope than actual fact but it is undeniable that certain things do take on greater importance as I march toward 4 pm dinners, inadvertent naps and yelling at kids to get off my lawn. I'm not going to run down the list of small things that just happen while moving closer to social security like carrying at least five dollars in change at all times. Apparently the need to have exact change anytime I buy something is a thing. Maybe its to keep my pants from creeping up to my armpits like every overweight gym teacher in America, I'm not sure how that works. But back to the list of the 5 things that are more important now more than they ever were when I was a young man.

5. Advice- Did you ever stop to think before you gave advice to anybody when you were in your 20's? I sure as hell didn't. I've found out that it doesn't matter if I'm giving or getting advice I think a lot longer before engaging in it than I ever did when I was younger. Looking back brought me to the conclusion that I got and gave a lot of bad advice over the years. If I would have thought and asked myself if what I was about to say or hear would add value to the person I was speaking with less would have been given or taken. Plus, giving advice on everything does make you sound like a blow-hard ass because sometimes people don't want advice, they just want to vent (bitch or complain). When advice is given today it comes with thought and deliberation. The same goes for getting advice, I always filter it the same way, did the person think about me before giving it.

4. Learning- You can't teach an old dog new tricks. We aren't dogs though, we're people. I would be happy if I could teach my ten year old dog to quit farting in the living room and bedroom. As people we never lose the ability to keep learning. When we are young it is easier because we don't know anything to start with. To reference my previous point, if someone gives you advice that you can't learn anymore you can dismiss it immediately. When you get older you get to choose what you learn. It does make sense that if you get to choose what to learn you will learn it faster because you enjoy it. Personally I don't give a shit about an Isosceles Triangle or the capital of Indonesia but I still had to learn it. These days the things I choose to learn are interesting to me so I learn them faster. The more new things I try to learn the better I feel mentally. What good is growing old if all you know is what you learned when you were younger? If you want to feel younger keep learning.

3. Exercise- Wait. What? Exercise is more important than it was when I was younger? Absolutely! I don't do things I used to like run half-marathons or 100 mile bike rides anymore. But I do place a great importance on doing some sort of physical exercise three or four times a week, not because I'm trying to impress anybody or win any titles for my age group but because it makes me feel better. If you are lucky enough to be able to do physical exercise than try and take advantage of your good fortune. I have no scientific evidence to back this up but my theory has always been that exercise helps keep the mind young. I promise that even if I go to the gym every day from now till the day I die I will not head to the beach in a Speedo.

2. Forgiveness- Holding a grudge is like taking poison and then waiting for the other person to die. Back when rock and roll bands were great and I didn't have a bald spot I could stay pissed off at someone who had wronged me for years. I suspect I'm not the only person who would spend time thinking about exactly what I would say to somebody who had offended me. Anybody else build elaborate fake confrontations that never occurred or wasted a couple of hours thinking about how things would be different if that S.O.B. hadn't done this or that? And then you come to find out the other person hasn't thought about it once. I know most people think forgiveness is some sort of an act of kindness but I view it differently. It is essential for my piece of mind to forgive quickly and move on. That doesn't mean I will put myself in the same position again but holding a grudge hurts more than just letting it go and moving on. I wish I had this knowledge when I was younger.

1. Time- There is no question that if you have less of something it might become more important to you in theory. If you've ever been poor and down to your last sandwich till payday you know how slow you will eat it. You will savor every last bite, chewing slowly, drinking between bites and stretch that humble PB&J into a four course meal. It's a little different with me and time right now. There is more of a sense of urgency to get things done quickly and move on to the next challenge. I try and live in each moment more than I ever did when I was younger. If I choose to do or not do something the decision is largely based on the value of my time. Is it worth my time to do it? If the answer is yes I can assure you I try and enjoy every moment of whatever it may be. It is a shame that it takes getting older to realize that the good ole days are every day you're alive.

  There are some things not on the list like  love, family, empathy and of course sarcasm and humor because they have always been important. I also realize I gave advice in the blog but I did follow my own advice and actually thought about it first.

Till next.....

I've spent the last week listening to things that make me wonder.....

if I'm just getting old or the world of music has just progressed right past me. My 17 year old son Zachary is trying his best to enlighten me with some of the new stuff that is being played and what influences him and while I recognize the talent in the musicians and the inspired song writing I can't seem to really embrace any of it. The notes are played well, the lyrics aren't bad but yet that natural reaction I get when I hear something I like is missing. Then the realization came to me that it wasn't the music that was causing the feeling to begin with. At least it wasn't just the music by itself.
   For reasons I will try to  explain the music that I love so much and makes me smile is not just about the notes or the lyrics. It's more about the memories associated with every song I hear played. It might be where I was when I first heard it or at least the first time I remembered it. My brain doesn't just process the music, it replays memories right along with it. So when I hear the new music my brain doesn't have any other information to call upon. It's like it only has half the story and it's waiting for the rest of the story to decide if it likes it. Now the fact that it is my son playing it for me I'm pretty confident the blanks will be filled in with great memories. And then I suspect the music will sound a lot better to me. Like I said there is nothing wrong with the talent, it's the listener.
  Dr. Martin Luther King said next to the word of God the art of music is the worlds greatest treasure. The reverend hit the nail on the head. With all the crap going on in the world today I find myself listening to music more and more. It seems it is one thing that no matter what political point of view you may choose to have we all still love music. The bands I listen to remind me of the people who introduced me to them as well. Friends who had different tastes than mine would share something new to me and even if I didn't like it the memory remains. And the times were simpler then because all the stress of actually being an adult wasn't yet present so it makes perfect sense the memories were good ones. So the more hostile and divided the world around me becomes the more music reminds me of how people used to get along and appreciate someone else's opinion.
  I read somewhere that Bono said music can change the world. Personally I would listen to Bono sing the phone book but I am not sure he is correct here. But I'm willing to give it a shot because nothing else seems to be working very well. Even though people may agree or disagree on the type of music you listen to one fact remains: Nobody ever called me an asshole for liking Led Zeppelin.

Till next......
 

Man Cave Musings: So I'm sitting naked with a couple of guys and cov...

Man Cave Musings: So I'm sitting naked with a couple of guys and cov...:   and one of them turns to me and asks, "Can you whip my back with this for a minute?" That is not the most shocking part of the s...

So I'm sitting naked with a couple of guys and covered in sweat.....

  and one of them turns to me and asks, "Can you whip my back with this for a minute?" That is not the most shocking part of the story believe it or not. The part that will really concern people is the fact that this occurred on a regular basis and I was a child. Before you go down a deep dark rabbit hole of possible horrific crimes I should mention that I was in a sauna with my grandfather and his neighbor who had a sauna in the basement of his house. The "whip" in question was actually a cedar branch which was supposed to increase your circulation. The fitness craze had not yet reached the Copper Country of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan in the mid 1970's so there will forever be certain images that cannot be unseen but I loved everything about taking a sauna.It was great the way it made me feel so clean afterward and helped me to sleep soundly. (which was an  issue even at that age). I regale you with tales of lore from my youth not to shock you but to try a draw a distinction between growing up in small town America and growing up since 2000 and beyond. Originally I set out to lament that my kids will never have the chance to have the upbringing I had but it changed.
  My first thought was sadness that something as simple as a sauna would now be considered a crime in a lot of places. The exploring we used to do in closed copper mines today would be a trespassing charge. The apple fights, dodgeball games and tobogganing would be considered far too dangerous for the helicopter parents of today. (For those who don't know a toboggan is a plastic sled which can propel you down a snow covered hill at a rapid rate of speed.) Setting out of the house early in the morning and not returning until dusk will get you an Amber Alert and possibly a picture on a milk carton by the time you get home now. Back then it was what you did everyday. I don't recall my parents ever being panicked about where I was or who I was with. It is possible they just wanted to get us out of the house and didn't care if we were feeding bears raw meat with our bare hands but I don't think that was it. There just wasn't this hyper level of fear and constant communication that exists today. We were free to grow up and figure things out on our own. It's much different today.
  Before you join me in thinking todays youth is getting the short end of the stick I would like to point out that maybe its not better or worse, its just different. My kids have had a X-Box, Wi or Playstaion since they were 5 years old. Not to mention Rock Band, Nintendo and other games I don't remember. We also had some pretty cool things. If we wanted to play outside we had trees. That's right. We would climb trees. Or we would go into the woods and see how far we could go into the woods before we got scared. We also had snow. And a lot of it. We would dig tunnels in the yard that would connect to each other and meet in a big room that several kids could sit in at one time. Today we worry about violent video games, then we were concerned with cave-ins. Or when connecting 2 tunnels together getting a shovel in the head. Was it dangerous? Hell yes. Did it scar us for life? I don't think so. Just like I don't think video games will permanently damage the kids of today. The games they have today are really cool and I wish we had some of those growing up. But it doesn't mean they were better or worse, just different.
  Libraries and encyclopedias were the things we depended on to get answers to unknown questions. Does anyone remember what a thrill it was to master the Dewey Decimal system? Me either. Because it wasn't a thrill, it was a chore. Today information is literally right in their hand. How about trying to do a report on some obscure subject and searching for information? Not anymore. Double click and thousand of web pages tell you the top exports of Iceland. Who had it better? Once again, its not about which is better, its just different. I do miss when the kids used to come and ask me questions and I would have the answer or at least a good nugget of bullshit that sounded impressive. Now I answer the kids questions the same way every parent does. "Google it". If we wanted to get a group together we had to use an actual phone and call our friends. Obviously it was nearly impossible to put together a flash mob. Our version of text messages were the notes you would pass to each other in class. Instagram was called a school yearbook. Not saying what's better or worse, its just different.
  Teach your children to embrace and love what they have because one day they will be looking back with fond memories of their childhood and trying to figure out its better or worse. Its just different.

Till next.....