To my sons, when she says no, she really means yes.....

   My oldest son is of dating age and the younger one is right behind so now is the time to clear up one of the oldest misconceptions. I'm sure the two of you have been told many times by many different people that when a girl tells you no, it means no. I hate to confuse you but, just the opposite is true.
   She will look right at you and mumble something like,"No, I don't think so or maybe later or not right now." What she is really saying is, you make the decision for me, you know I want it but it will look so much better if you ask for it. Trust me on this point boys, she will really like when you ask for it. It makes her feel like you know exactly what she wants without having to come out and say it. (Even if you don't)
   Of course you know by now I am talking about ordering dessert on your first date. She is as nervous as you are and would much rather have a fork full of chocolate cake in her mouth so she doesn't have to talk to you. It could be the date is going well and she doesn't want to say something stupid. Or it could be you are boring her toward death by chocolate but, either way she wants the cake. It is your job to step up and order it with a disclaimer like, "I sure would like some cake, you'll have to help me eat it though." Oh, my hero!
   The complete opposite of this scenario is obviously, sex. If she says no, she means no, and you respect that at all times. Do not confuse the two. You will miss out on cake and end up in jail. Other than these 2 very specific examples, there are no rules to what a girl or woman means when she says no. The passive aggressive labyrinth of the female mind is ripe with danger at every turn. Until you figure out that,' no I don't mind if you play golf on our anniversary' means hell yes I mind, you will spend a fair amount of time trying to out where you went wrong. Don't spend too much time, there are no right or wrong answers. I do have advice that may help you get through the learning process.
   First thing you need to do is get a dog. Then, build a dog house that has electricity and air conditioning with cable television. You will be spending a lot of time here so you might as well be comfortable. Personally, I have spent so much time in the doghouse when friends stopped by I wasn't sure if I should shake hands or sniff their ass. But don't worry, you will always get out of the doghouse if you remember the 4 words (Make sure you repeat them in this exact order) You're right, I'm sorry. If you can remember that, you will be fine.

Till next.....

Giving thanks...when you are hurting and...

just don't feel like you can. It's a situation all of us have had at one time or another. 2013 has been a tough year for many of the regular readers here. We have lost quite a few dear friends, many far earlier than anyone would expect and all without an explanation. The pain felt is very real and the grieving process can take months, years or a lifetime. With respect of privacy, I won't list their names because they were not public figures. They were wonderful people who will be greatly missed.
    Famous people who we have come to know so well we felt like they were a part of our lives have died this year as well, leaving even more emptiness. For me, writers like Vince Flynn and Tom Clancy, actors James Gandolfini and Dennis Farina, announcers Pat Summerall and Ken Venturi, rockers Lou Reed and Ray Manzarek  have all been woven into the fabric of my life for many decades. It seems like every week another friend or someone admired is passing away. So how do you give thanks for that?
    Expressing thanks can come in different shapes and sizes. Many use prayer and scripture, others simply say thanks to the people they know and love. They both work for me. But something changed in me several years ago, when I was struggling with grief. I decided that I was going to give thanks a different way.
     We have no idea how long we get to be here so I decided that I wasn't going to waste another minute of it. What better way to give thanks than to use what time has been given to the fullest? Thank you for giving me one more day to be better, nicer, and filled with grace. Thank you for giving me the courage to try something new, even if I fail, and giving me the determination to get back up. Thank you for giving me one more day to help people going through tougher times than me. Thank you for allowing me to be compassionate enough to feel sadness when others are no longer given another day.
     Thoreau had it right when he talked about living a life of quiet desperation. My Thanksgiving day hope for everyone is that we shun the life of quiet desperation. I hope we all grab life like a wet towel, twisting the ends until we start wringing out everything in it. Twisting until the happiness, joy and sense of adventure and purpose pour out of it in front of us. Then when life has nothing more to give, we let the towel fall to the floor, soaking up everything for the next person who dares to pick it up. That is something to be truly thankful for.

Till next........

Have you ever had a thought that was so stupid.....

that you laughed at yourself for days after? I've always had the ability to not take myself seriously but sometimes I surprise even myself. While sitting in a Sunday school class this past weekend I combined ignorance with sarcasm and created a scenario so far from what was actually happening that if I would have spoken my thoughts out loud I would have been tackled by the class who would have tried to cast the demons out of me. They might have sent out a 911 call for an old preist and a young preist.
    A wonderful lady was telling the class about a teenage retreat weekend she had helped organize and attended. She told how some of the speakers were great and in doing so she mentioned the annointing of J-Who. That made me sit up a little straighter in my seat. I'm all for trying to bring younger people into the bible but giving Jesus a hip-hop nickname bordered on sacriligous. My mind raced with where this could go. Would the apostles be called his posse? Marky Mark, Simon P. Diddy, Lil John and Snoop Luke seemed like logical choices to me. How about the King James Hip Hop version of the bible? Would all the great battles be changed to turf wars? Could it be possible that the Sermon on the Mount would be classsified as trash talking? Would the audio version of the Bible be recorded by Don Cornelius? Maybe Barry White could read the Song of Solomon? The possibilities seemed endless.
     Being a man who arrived late to the Christian party as obviously stunted my knowledge of the Bible. I have read the entire thing and should have recognized the name of King Jehu. (pronounced Jay Who)
Kings 1, Kings 2 and Chronicles are three of the books that tell his story yet I completely missed the reference. The man she was talking about wasn't Jesus Christ but King Jehu. Once I realized that she had no desire to scratch the bible backward on a turntable with a loud bass beat in the background I couldn't stop laughing. What a wonderful way of showing me that I need to spend a little more time reading and a lot less time talking. If knowledge is indeed power then I'm the 98 pound weakling getting scriptural sand kicked in my face. If I was on the show "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?" and the Bible was one of the catgories I would put my money on the overgrown toddler.
      Some of you are out there reading this and shaking your head. I know you are wondering how I can tie my own shoes in the morning if I'm that stupid. But let me leave you with this thought from the book of Matthew 7:1 Judge not, that ye be not judged. That is what is called a "Jesus Juke" for those of you are familiar with Jon Acuff. Maybe when my time comes to stand before God and give my accounting he will look at me ask, "Yo, C dog, was sup?" or maybe not?

Till next.......
     

A chip and a chair......

is a term with which any poker player is familiar. It's based on the premise that as long as your in the game you have a chance to come back and win. The philosophy is one that I not only subscribe to, I live it everyday. To quote the late Jim Valvano, "Don't give up, don't ever give up." As long as you get up each morning and chew through your restraints you have a chance to succeed. But the phrase about the chip and the chair as an entirely different meaning in the world in which I live.
    Over 27 years ago I got my first chip and sat down in a metal chair to listen to drunks tell me about how they weren't drunks anymore. That first day at AA I sat with an almost bemused detachment wondering how anything I was hearing was going to help me quit drinking. Everyone who knew me and even some who didn't knew I had a serious problem with alcohol. But these folks were directing all their stories toward me when I announced this was my first meeting. I had a chip for staying sober one day and a chair to sit in. Using the poker analogy, I was in the game. That meant I had a chance even if it was a small one. Comebacks are the things people sings songs around the campfire about.
     Fast forward over five years and now I've got several chips in my pocket, one for each year of sobriety. Not only was I in the game but I felt like I had a chance to succeed. Then one day I decided to cash in my chips for a bottle of 100 proof Rumplemintz. After several hours of vomiting and fitful sleep I was out of the game. Without the pressure of multiple years of sobriety I threw in a couple of sporadic drunks just for good measure. Then in 1993 I staggered back into a comfortable(not really) metal chair and got a brand new chip. Like I said earlier, don't ever give up. Seven years later my pocket was full of chips again. The odds of quitting drinking for a true alcoholic once is very low, to do it twice is like getting a hole in one twice in the same round of golf. A long shot at very best.
     Crown Royal Reserve was the culprit of choice the next time I cashed in my chips. Back to the metal chairs and a brand new chip. Five years later and Blantons single batch bourbon plus so many other shots and different type of beers that my memory blurs them exactly, I was out of the game again. This time was different because I stayed out for an extended period of time. Some days were sober, most were not. The end of 2006 staggered into early 2007 before I ended up at rock bottom. With the help of several people who really cared about me I was able to get my new "chip" in the month of March 2008.
      This time there are no chips. Every year I say a quiet prayer of thanks and promise to not make the mistake I made before. After years of trying to figure out why some stay sober and most do not and die way too early I have come to a conclusion that works for me. It's actually a cornerstone of AA but I think it runs so much deeper that if affects every man, woman and child. What I was given was a gift and the only way I get to keep it is to pass it on. If I want to stay sober than I must help others to stay sober. Looking back on the demise of my sobriety after years of not taking a drink they all had one common factor. I had all the chips but I was no longer in the chair. Not physically in the chair but I wasn't carrying around the "chair", unfolding it and sharing what I had. I simply took it for granted.
      Yesterday was the fourth time in my life I have been blessed enough to get a five year "chip". Would I rather have one 27 year chip? Damn skippy I would but I don't for a reason. Once the point was reached where I expected to be sober and it became a source of pride, I was doomed. Sober alcoholics simply get up and do what normal people do everyday. Nobody gives the non-drinker a chip every year for being human. Just because I choose every day not to get drunk and be an ass should not be a badge of honor. If I choose to get up every day and share my story and reach out to people who I know are struggling that is different. Baring your soul to help another person is something to be lauded and be proud of. Just being sober is not enough, it's a start but it is not winning the game.The real epiphany was when I realized that this same principal applies to any and all gifts, not just sobriety.
      If you want more friends give more of your friendship to others. If you want more people to love you, love yourself and then love others the same way. If it's more wisdom you seek, pass some of your life lessons on to others. Imagine what your life and the lives of those around you might look like if we all practiced this. Would there be more laughter? More love and less hate, less gossip and even less sarcasm(not that sarcasm is always a bad thing), more achievement than disappointment? I'm willing to bet my remaining chips that the outcomes of everyday life would improve dramatically. Of course if I'm wrong and this isn't a key to keeping the gift I was given the chair will be pulled out from under me anyway and the odds of getting a fifth 5 year chip is the same as getting five of a kind in poker. Zero!

Till next........