When the slightly haggard man or woman approaches your table and asks,"How is everything tonight?" he is performing one of the essential duties of restaurant management known as the 'table visit'. Most companies include this task in any managers daily routine but the person is honestly asking because he has to know the good, the bad and the ugly to improve the operation. But there are times where the complaints are so far away from rational or helpful that the manager must bite his tongue and smile politely while assuring the patron they will address the matter right away. They are lying their ass off in some cases. My Top 10 responses that I would never say but have certainly thought are listed below. On a side note there is no reason to start a complaint with a disclaimer that you normally don't complain. We don't believe you.
10. My drink taste flat.-Manager says he will check the carbonation and get it fixed right away. What he really thinks is"so is your date, we just assumed it was a life style choice. We'll take a straw and create some bubbles and bring it right back to you".
9. It's too cold-Manager says he'll adjust the thermostat. He won't. He really wants to offer you a shawl or afghan, some warm cocoa and to rub your hands until they are warm. Never mind that the other 100 customers seem fine, let's turn the heat up until sweat breaks out on every one of them until your warm.
8. Could we have a different table-Manager says of course and moves you to a different table making sure to ask if the new one is suitable in a pleasant manner. What he is actually thinking is' sure, no problem because we assign tables completely at random anyway. Sometimes we just throw a dart on the seating chart to pick our next table. If this one doesn't work I can just take you on an endless loop around the restaurant until you get tired enough to pick one. At least you won't be complaining about it being too cold after we've run a few a laps around the salad bar.
7. The server said you are out of Mountain Trout.(or other item) Manager apologizes and offers another entree. The voice in his head is saying,' I'm not sure what part of the server statement confused you but even if we had David Copperfield, Siegfried and Roy and David Blaine working in our kitchen we still couldn't produce the trout. I could grab a pole and head down to the creek but that might take some time. How about you deal with feeling of emptiness and order one of the other 48 things on the menu.'
6. Adult asks if they can order off the kids menu-Manager politely informs the guest that the kids menu is designed just for children but he will usually make an exception. "I will let you order of the kids menu if you get the crayons and color all the pictures on the kids menu and sign it so we can hang it on the wall when you're done. Maybe I can bounce you on my knee after dinner so your tummy doesn't get upset as well. Do you ask for a sucker when your kid goes to the dentist too? Hope you enjoy your grilled cheese.
5. Male customers only, "I'll have a frozen virgin pina colada. I don't drink alcohol." Yes we can get that for you." Because you probably don't stand up when you pee either. Let me see if we have any of those cute little umbrellas to put in your drink too.
4. There is no liquor in my drink. Manager will apologize and immediately inform the bartender to put the same amount of liquor in your drink except to float it on top of the mixer. There is also a very good chance the bartender will be very busy the next time you order a drink. If you want a double, order a double.
3. There is no way I spent that much money. Manager apologizes and then promises to check with the server or usually the bartender. He will check and 99 times out of 100 the charge is exactly correct. Maybe when you ordered those shots for the ladies at the bar you thought they were going to pay for them. Maybe you thought when you said bring us another round you thought it meant bring them a bill too. Sorry to shatter your dreams of equality but when you order it, you pay for it. Try just ordering what you want next time and I'm sure the bill will be more to your liking.
2. Just take the food off my bill. Manager might take the food off your bill and then again he might not. If you ask for medium and it comes out medium rare, the manager corrects the problem by cooking your food to medium in a timely matter he probably won't. If you eat more than half of your food and then say you didn't like it, he probably won't. If you tell him to take it off the bill he will do everything in his power to not take it off. He knows his job and doesn't need you to tell him to do anything. If you were at work and your client said,"just don't charge me for that" how would you react? A manager is no different, suggestions and complaints are great but demands, not so much.
1. We haven't seen our server since we sat down. Manager apologizes and assures the guest the server will be right with them. But in this case the customer is exactly right. It's not that the server hasn't been there. They approached the table three times even asking a question on the first two trips. If you had the common courtesy to glance up from that smart phone long enough to acknowledge your server you might have seen them. SMH. Not LOL here. How about giving your server a status update on what you want to eat and drink? Instead of checking in at Four Square try checking the menu. At least wait until you have ordered before posting the obligatory Yelp review. If the truth be told the manager should tell you to take your over developed texting thumbs and stick them up your ass and walk out on your elbows but he is much more refined than that. He will merely smile and tell you thanks for stopping by.
Till next....
Looking at life through the odd mix of optimism, sarcasm, love and humor and not always in that order.
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