Oh Christmas tree....

As those of you who follow this blog know I have been married three times. For the vast majority of those times I was very happily married. In fact the biggest arguments that occurred during my marriages almost always centered around one thing. The buying and setting up of the Christmas tree. Not so much the decorating because we usually were not speaking by that time.
Picking where to buy the tree has triggered the yule tide tryst on more than one occasion. I prefer the lots on the side of the road with the camper out back that tree dude sleeps in at night. They are too expensive or the lots smell bad or the guy selling the trees is creepy. All valid points if you are buying a Mercedes or a diamond ring. It is a dead chunk of wood. Not the Holy Grail. Ambiance is of very little importance to me at this point. Paramount is getting this damn thing tied to the roof of my car like a dead dear so I can drag it in and put it up.
Now let us assume that the tree has reached its resting spot in the house without any further discussion and is awaiting the tree stand. (You would be wrong in assuming this but go ahead anyway) Cutting off the bottom of the tree is a vital part of the process. Also it should not be done with a kitchen knife. This will lead to a cut hand and blood spilling onto the carpet. (Insert argument here) If you decide to skip this step be forewarned that your tree will be very explosive after about a week. If you have carpet do not wear socks near this tree because it can blow up with just a spark after two weeks. Once this has been accomplished the fun starts.
Getting the tree into the stand is not hard. Standing the tree up is not hard. Getting the tree to stand up and be straight to the wants, wishes, dreams and specifications of another human being is impossible. I have never been a marine but I have crawled on my belly all the way around a tree stand tightening and the loosening bolts till I felt like I was on Iwo Jima. It is also an optical illusion to think that something is straight. Trees have looked straight to me only to be told it leans to the left or the right. Or forward. Or backward. Or too straight. Yep. Too straight. What does that even mean? How is that possible?
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire my ass. You want to see something roast just tell me my tree is leaning one way or the other. Normally I am a very calm person. This peccadillo I have has been many years in the making. A little comment here or there. A dig about the tower of pizza or the floor not being level. It would be the same as me standing in the kitchen and questioning the cook about every spice and amount that went into the recipe. And then heckling them about it.
The good news is that several years ago I went to the artificial tree. And now you can hear the angels sing when I drag it out from the garage. No bald spots to cover up. No leaning to the left or the right. Just pure artificial happiness. Hark the whatever angels sing. Now if you could just get the star on the top of the tree...........

Till next........