A very hard holiday to celebrate...

  My day started out with two sales calls, the last one being a local health food store. After our appointment had concluded I was leaving when the girl behind the counter gave me a cheery, "Have a happy Earth Day." I answered with a simple thank you and got into my fossil fuel burning car and headed to the grocery store to pick up some lunch. But now I had a problem, it was Earth Day and with that knowledge being thrust upon me it made my choices for lunch and the rest of the day much more complicated. What to do, what to do?
  Steak was what I'm in the mood for but then I remember the impending doom of mankind produced by cow farts. How could I possibly add to the bovine flatulence tsunami threatening the planet. Personally I think the biggest danger of a cow fart is if you are standing next to one but, it is Earth Day. Maybe some chicken? Have you ever seen the inhumane way these chickens are treated? Not to mention the steroids that are pumped into our fine feathered friends. There is no way I could eat a chicken on Earth Day.
  Vegetables seem to be the only way to go. A nice salad, produced by genetically modified seeds sounds somewhat appealing. Can't go there either. Luckily I can go to organic veggies and free range chicken eggs. Perfect. The eggs are in a Styrofoam container. The organic vegetables have a Styrofoam bottom and plastic wrapped around the top. Styrofoam is bad for the planet because it doesn't rot fast enough and plastic is made from petroleum. There goes the vegetables and the eggs. I'm running out of options quickly.
  Ice cream comes from cows but I remember seeing a commercial about the cows being the happiest cows on Earth. Maybe they were happy enough not to fart so I went with their ice cream. Yes, I eat ice cream for lunch, breakfast or dinner. I am blessed by the fact I eat what I want, when I want, how much I want and my weight hasn't moved in 30 years. (women reading this blog: I realize I am now one of the most hated men you know with the exception of your ex and George Clooney because he still hasn't called) With my eco-friendly half gallon in hand I headed for the checkout line feeling pretty good.
  After the clerk rang up my purchase he asked if I wanted I bag? What kind of bag? Paper, cutting down our treasured trees on Earth Day seemed almost criminal. Plastic? Big oil companies leaking oil everywhere just so my hand doesn't have to touch the ice cream sounds directly opposed to the spirit of the holiday. Then I looked closer at the carton containing the ice cream. Oh no, it is some form of cardboard. More trees being cut down on this holiest of holidays.(for trees I guess) Racked with guilt I declined the offer for the bag and went home and put the ice cream away in the freezer until tomorrow when I can eat it guilt free.
    Lowering my head in shame over my Earth Day transgressions I see my shoes. Tennis shoes with rubber soles. Damn, burning rubber produces thick black smoke, off with the shoes. My shirt, cotton, another plant that had to die. Never mind the fact that plants produce oxygen that actually let's us live. It  is Earth Day, damn it. I'm committed now, off with the shirt, shorts and socks. I walk softly onto the grass taking great care not to damage even a blade and sit quietly taking very shallow breaths. I know that we now treat CO2 has a dangerous gas so every time I exhale I'm violating the true spirit of Earth Day. Perhaps one day we will all be able to embrace the ultimate celebration of Earth Day and just quit breathing for that day. Happy Earth  Day my ass. I'm hungry, naked and pretty sure the neighbors are going to call the police.

Till next......