A man is driving down a country road and sees the most unusual sight. A farmer is holding a pig up to an apple tree. The pig grabs an apple in his snout and drops in into the basket on the ground. Well the man has to find out what this is about so he spins a quick u-turn and heads back to the apple tree. He jumps out of his car and runs up to the farmer and asks, "Excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice the odd way you have of picking apples. It seems like having the pig pick those apples would take a long time." The farmer looks the man up and down and replies, "What is time to a pig?" Next time someone asks you if it takes to long or if you have enough time just look them dead in the eye and ask, "What's time to a pig?"Confuses the heck out of people.
A couple walks into a nice restaurant and right next to the front door is a parrot in a cage. The parrot sees the couple and says,"AAAAWWKKK your wife is so uglyAAAAWWWKKK!" Needless to say the man is pissed off beyond repair so he hustles his wife to a table and demands to see the manager. When the manager arrives the man gives him the whole story and the manager promises to take of it right away. He buys the couple their dinner and then walks over to the bird cage and removes the parrot. He slaps the parrot several times. Then he grabs it by his claws and slams it against the side of the cage. Feathers are flying everywhere and the parrot is squawking for dear life. Finally after ten minutes of beating the manager throws the parrot back onto the floor of his cage. The couple has a nice meal and as they are leaving the restaurant they walk right by the parrot who has made his way painfully up to his perch. The man locks eyes with parrot virtually daring him to speak. The parrot turns his head slightly to look at the man with his eye that is not swollen shut and says,"AAAAWWWKKK You know!!". The next time you say something truly offensive to someone and don't want to say it again but still get the message across just tilt your head and say, "You Know". It will piss them off all over again.
A man is sitting in a bar near the North Pole and has a few too many. He tells the bartender he will walk home and heads out the door. He returns an hour later and order three shots of whisky. The bartender serves them up and the man asks how close the nearest church is. "Gotta be at least 20 miles away,eh!" "Oh no" the man replies "If theres not a church closer than that I just had sex with a penguin. I thought it was a nun." Just because things are in black and white doesn't mean they are all the same.
Till next.....
Looking at life through the odd mix of optimism, sarcasm, love and humor and not always in that order.
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