The answer is rather obvious to anyone who has spent time in both. The people praying in casinos really, really mean it. The joke is funny because like most good jokes it has an element of truth in it. Divine intervention is called upon regularly to rescue a wayward three team parlay or split a pair of dice much like the Red Sea into anything but a seven. How many times a day to you think the big guy hears,"Lord, please let me break even because I really need the money."?
So when I was in church this morning an interesting thought rattled through my brain. What if everyone who went to church prayed for the Lions? Yes, I'm talking about the Detroit Lions. Whatever sect or religion you are does not matter to me. But rather than praying for world peace or goodwill toward men let's all get behind a true hopeless cause, the Lions. People have fought and killed each other for thousands of years trying to say their God is better than your God. So how about we turn toward the Lions and see who can perform a miracle first. Let's start small with just a winning season. Maybe a playoff game in the next generation. Has a Lion fan I have wandering in my own personnel wilderness for 40 years already. Whose my Moses?
Till next....
Looking at life through the odd mix of optimism, sarcasm, love and humor and not always in that order.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Man Cave Musings: How about a chuckle or two for the weekend? Follow...
Man Cave Musings: How about a chuckle or two for the weekend? Follow...: "A man is driving down a country road and sees the most unusual sight. A farmer is holding a pig up to an apple tree. The pig grabs an apple ..."
How about a chuckle or two for the weekend? Follow me....
A man is driving down a country road and sees the most unusual sight. A farmer is holding a pig up to an apple tree. The pig grabs an apple in his snout and drops in into the basket on the ground. Well the man has to find out what this is about so he spins a quick u-turn and heads back to the apple tree. He jumps out of his car and runs up to the farmer and asks, "Excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice the odd way you have of picking apples. It seems like having the pig pick those apples would take a long time." The farmer looks the man up and down and replies, "What is time to a pig?" Next time someone asks you if it takes to long or if you have enough time just look them dead in the eye and ask, "What's time to a pig?"Confuses the heck out of people.
A couple walks into a nice restaurant and right next to the front door is a parrot in a cage. The parrot sees the couple and says,"AAAAWWKKK your wife is so uglyAAAAWWWKKK!" Needless to say the man is pissed off beyond repair so he hustles his wife to a table and demands to see the manager. When the manager arrives the man gives him the whole story and the manager promises to take of it right away. He buys the couple their dinner and then walks over to the bird cage and removes the parrot. He slaps the parrot several times. Then he grabs it by his claws and slams it against the side of the cage. Feathers are flying everywhere and the parrot is squawking for dear life. Finally after ten minutes of beating the manager throws the parrot back onto the floor of his cage. The couple has a nice meal and as they are leaving the restaurant they walk right by the parrot who has made his way painfully up to his perch. The man locks eyes with parrot virtually daring him to speak. The parrot turns his head slightly to look at the man with his eye that is not swollen shut and says,"AAAAWWWKKK You know!!". The next time you say something truly offensive to someone and don't want to say it again but still get the message across just tilt your head and say, "You Know". It will piss them off all over again.
A man is sitting in a bar near the North Pole and has a few too many. He tells the bartender he will walk home and heads out the door. He returns an hour later and order three shots of whisky. The bartender serves them up and the man asks how close the nearest church is. "Gotta be at least 20 miles away,eh!" "Oh no" the man replies "If theres not a church closer than that I just had sex with a penguin. I thought it was a nun." Just because things are in black and white doesn't mean they are all the same.
Till next.....
A couple walks into a nice restaurant and right next to the front door is a parrot in a cage. The parrot sees the couple and says,"AAAAWWKKK your wife is so uglyAAAAWWWKKK!" Needless to say the man is pissed off beyond repair so he hustles his wife to a table and demands to see the manager. When the manager arrives the man gives him the whole story and the manager promises to take of it right away. He buys the couple their dinner and then walks over to the bird cage and removes the parrot. He slaps the parrot several times. Then he grabs it by his claws and slams it against the side of the cage. Feathers are flying everywhere and the parrot is squawking for dear life. Finally after ten minutes of beating the manager throws the parrot back onto the floor of his cage. The couple has a nice meal and as they are leaving the restaurant they walk right by the parrot who has made his way painfully up to his perch. The man locks eyes with parrot virtually daring him to speak. The parrot turns his head slightly to look at the man with his eye that is not swollen shut and says,"AAAAWWWKKK You know!!". The next time you say something truly offensive to someone and don't want to say it again but still get the message across just tilt your head and say, "You Know". It will piss them off all over again.
A man is sitting in a bar near the North Pole and has a few too many. He tells the bartender he will walk home and heads out the door. He returns an hour later and order three shots of whisky. The bartender serves them up and the man asks how close the nearest church is. "Gotta be at least 20 miles away,eh!" "Oh no" the man replies "If theres not a church closer than that I just had sex with a penguin. I thought it was a nun." Just because things are in black and white doesn't mean they are all the same.
Till next.....
Friday, October 29, 2010
Man Cave Musings: Where do we surrender?
Man Cave Musings: Where do we surrender?: "That was probably the first thing overheard from Nick Sarkozy when he heard Osama Bin Laden was at war with France. So the enemy of my ene..."
We all really do care about you. That's why we are here.
That is how every intervention I have been involved in starts out. You try not to be threatening in any way. You get the person to realize that their habit is out of control and things cannot continue. Most times they are the last to see the problem and how truly sad it is. I've witnessed one intervention that ended with cussing and crying at the same time. Every single one has one thing in common. The abuser will always try and flip the blame on the very people trying to help them. Every single, solitary, without fail time. My perspective on intervention is different than most because I have been on both sides. I have been the person being enlightened and one of the people trying to show others the light.
Which brings us to where we are now. It is time for an intervention that we all know will take place early next year. And once again I get to be a part of it. California, New York and Michigan (my home state) we love you and we really do care about your well being. But things cannot continue this way. You have shown absolutely no ability to behave like an adult and manage your own finances. You spend as if money is limitless. You take the very people trying to help you and plot openly against them even while they give you more money. Time after time you turn back to the same people who got you hooked in the first place and plead for, "just 2 or 4 more years. Then I'll figure it out. We'll make more than we spend this time. We promise."
The problem with addicts is they will promise anything. And they mean it. They just won't do it. All three states will be bankrupt and the rest of the states will be bailing them out. And like any junkie who is getting help there should be conditions. You must balance your budgets. You will be forced to negotiate new contracts with all public sector labor unions. All public pension plans will be treated the same way. You will be placed on the paygo system. If you don't have revenue, you don't start new programs. All public salaries will be frozen until balance is reached.
There is obviously much more work to be done but that is part of rehab. It's damn hard work but at the end of the day you have a sense of pride knowing you are getting healthy. Most people who have gone through something like this will tell you that you should quit hanging around the same old friends. Don't surround yourself with "stinking thinking" and people who are every bit as messed up as you are. So maybe electing Gov. Moonbeam in California is not a good idea. He has been screwing your state on the public dole for 40 years. Tell him to find a real job and spend his money, not yours. Boxer, sorry Senator Boxer, you have spent so hard to earn that title, take a hike to outside world. Nancy Pelosi. Hmmm. This is what a really horrible addiction looks like folks. I know it's not pretty, but it is not too late. You can change.
New York lets talk about the gang of debt dealers you have. Corruption so bad Tony Soprano moved to New Jersey. Elliot Ness would have passed. But we are here to help. Cumo for Governor. Next. I don't care who his opponent is you have a better chance of a fair shake with him. He threaten to kick the crap out of a reporter? Perfect. He will do nicely. Senators? You're kind of stuck right now but you can start somewhere. Charles Rangle is a great example. I know I said Nancy is what a bad addiction looks like but Charles is what terminal addictionresembles. No amount of public scorn or shame can change the spending addict at this point. The best thing to do is to get as far away as possible until he implodes.
Michigan I am proud of you. You seem to have recognized your problem before the other two and deep down in your heart you know how screwed up you were. Governor Granholm is on the way home to spend more time with her hubby and his escorts. Many of the House seats are changing this year. The overall sentiment of the state seems to be changing to one of responsibility. Oh sure you still have Carl Levin who thinks that as long as he looks over his bi-focal glasses people won't recognize the bullspit he is saying but most are tired of him already. And John Dingle ,who cannot be bothered with reading the bills he votes on but no state is perfect. So keep moving in the right direction and don't be afraid to give California and New York a call once in a while and offer some encouragement.
Don't worry you three. We are going to be here every step of the way. And if you fall down and try to pass some exspensive social program that you have no idea how to pay for once in a while, don't worry. We won't let you, nor will we judge you. We love you and we are here to help.
Till next.....
Which brings us to where we are now. It is time for an intervention that we all know will take place early next year. And once again I get to be a part of it. California, New York and Michigan (my home state) we love you and we really do care about your well being. But things cannot continue this way. You have shown absolutely no ability to behave like an adult and manage your own finances. You spend as if money is limitless. You take the very people trying to help you and plot openly against them even while they give you more money. Time after time you turn back to the same people who got you hooked in the first place and plead for, "just 2 or 4 more years. Then I'll figure it out. We'll make more than we spend this time. We promise."
The problem with addicts is they will promise anything. And they mean it. They just won't do it. All three states will be bankrupt and the rest of the states will be bailing them out. And like any junkie who is getting help there should be conditions. You must balance your budgets. You will be forced to negotiate new contracts with all public sector labor unions. All public pension plans will be treated the same way. You will be placed on the paygo system. If you don't have revenue, you don't start new programs. All public salaries will be frozen until balance is reached.
There is obviously much more work to be done but that is part of rehab. It's damn hard work but at the end of the day you have a sense of pride knowing you are getting healthy. Most people who have gone through something like this will tell you that you should quit hanging around the same old friends. Don't surround yourself with "stinking thinking" and people who are every bit as messed up as you are. So maybe electing Gov. Moonbeam in California is not a good idea. He has been screwing your state on the public dole for 40 years. Tell him to find a real job and spend his money, not yours. Boxer, sorry Senator Boxer, you have spent so hard to earn that title, take a hike to outside world. Nancy Pelosi. Hmmm. This is what a really horrible addiction looks like folks. I know it's not pretty, but it is not too late. You can change.
New York lets talk about the gang of debt dealers you have. Corruption so bad Tony Soprano moved to New Jersey. Elliot Ness would have passed. But we are here to help. Cumo for Governor. Next. I don't care who his opponent is you have a better chance of a fair shake with him. He threaten to kick the crap out of a reporter? Perfect. He will do nicely. Senators? You're kind of stuck right now but you can start somewhere. Charles Rangle is a great example. I know I said Nancy is what a bad addiction looks like but Charles is what terminal addictionresembles. No amount of public scorn or shame can change the spending addict at this point. The best thing to do is to get as far away as possible until he implodes.
Michigan I am proud of you. You seem to have recognized your problem before the other two and deep down in your heart you know how screwed up you were. Governor Granholm is on the way home to spend more time with her hubby and his escorts. Many of the House seats are changing this year. The overall sentiment of the state seems to be changing to one of responsibility. Oh sure you still have Carl Levin who thinks that as long as he looks over his bi-focal glasses people won't recognize the bullspit he is saying but most are tired of him already. And John Dingle ,who cannot be bothered with reading the bills he votes on but no state is perfect. So keep moving in the right direction and don't be afraid to give California and New York a call once in a while and offer some encouragement.
Don't worry you three. We are going to be here every step of the way. And if you fall down and try to pass some exspensive social program that you have no idea how to pay for once in a while, don't worry. We won't let you, nor will we judge you. We love you and we are here to help.
Till next.....
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Celebrity for a day
Don't we secretly want to be a big celebrity for a day? Just one day where everyone follows you around. Waits on you hand and foot. Runs your errands for you. The only word you ever hear is yes. The only facial expression you ever see is a smile. All the jokes you tell are funny and the stories are interesting. Members of the opposite sex look at you with open admiration.
Sadly most of us never get to have even one day like that. But I have come up with a brilliant plan to give that gift to the ones you love. I've already done it many times for my family. Let them act like parents and siblings of famous people.
My dad has had the chance to be just like Martin Sheen and try explain his drunk sons behavior to law enforcement. My brothers have both walked a mile in the shoes of Emilio Estevez trying to tell people that their brother, who is currently asleep in a potted plant next to them ,is a good guy. It's not easy to make sacrifices like those but we are talking family here. How many mornings have my sisters awoke to the police cars in the driveway? Enough to conjure up the Jane Fonda feeling for sure. How about Paris Hilton with a little weed? Yep, Mom and Dad must have felt like they owned a chain of hotels the day I was arrested.
But one should never limit themselves to just one vice to spread the gift of stardom. So Celine Dion's husband plays poker with their kid to teach him how not to become a gambling addict. I was taking my youngest to the racetrack when he was 4 years old. I will be taking my two boys to the casinos when they look old enough using that logic. Both of my ex-wife's didn't sing much but apparently they got to be just like Celine with a gambling husband. When I crashed my car in a drunken stupor my girlfriend at the time must have felt just a little like Mel Gibson's squeeze. I don't think I spouted any anti-Semitic rhetoric but I really don't remember.
This not a gift that just anyone will accept with open arms. Some people do not feel right talking to strangers about the family. It's to be understood. In fact, you can give this gift too often and it's one you never want to re-gift. The funny part is if stay alive long enough to figure it out you are the one getting the gift. Unconditional love and forgiveness are not easily given yet every time I gave the celebrity gift that is what I received in return. Now it's my turn to accept the celebrity gifts and give the others. Thank God I made it this long. And Thanks to all of you who made sure I did.
Till next.........
Sadly most of us never get to have even one day like that. But I have come up with a brilliant plan to give that gift to the ones you love. I've already done it many times for my family. Let them act like parents and siblings of famous people.
My dad has had the chance to be just like Martin Sheen and try explain his drunk sons behavior to law enforcement. My brothers have both walked a mile in the shoes of Emilio Estevez trying to tell people that their brother, who is currently asleep in a potted plant next to them ,is a good guy. It's not easy to make sacrifices like those but we are talking family here. How many mornings have my sisters awoke to the police cars in the driveway? Enough to conjure up the Jane Fonda feeling for sure. How about Paris Hilton with a little weed? Yep, Mom and Dad must have felt like they owned a chain of hotels the day I was arrested.
But one should never limit themselves to just one vice to spread the gift of stardom. So Celine Dion's husband plays poker with their kid to teach him how not to become a gambling addict. I was taking my youngest to the racetrack when he was 4 years old. I will be taking my two boys to the casinos when they look old enough using that logic. Both of my ex-wife's didn't sing much but apparently they got to be just like Celine with a gambling husband. When I crashed my car in a drunken stupor my girlfriend at the time must have felt just a little like Mel Gibson's squeeze. I don't think I spouted any anti-Semitic rhetoric but I really don't remember.
This not a gift that just anyone will accept with open arms. Some people do not feel right talking to strangers about the family. It's to be understood. In fact, you can give this gift too often and it's one you never want to re-gift. The funny part is if stay alive long enough to figure it out you are the one getting the gift. Unconditional love and forgiveness are not easily given yet every time I gave the celebrity gift that is what I received in return. Now it's my turn to accept the celebrity gifts and give the others. Thank God I made it this long. And Thanks to all of you who made sure I did.
Till next.........
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Where do we surrender?
That was probably the first thing overheard from Nick Sarkozy when he heard Osama Bin Laden was at war with France.
So the enemy of my enemy is mi amigo? Que? El Presidente wants us to attack all the tea parties? Don't little old ladies host tea parties? Why are they are enemies? And they are even Americans aren't they?
"Stand Up Chuck, let em see ya." "Oh my God, what am I thinking?" Anyone actually knowing the answer to VP Joe Bidens question after he asked a wheelchair bound man to stand can send them into to the National Institute of What Goes Though a Buffoons Mind Before He Makes a Complete Ass of Himself, located in Washington D.C. Just put attn: Joe on the envelope. They will know who it's for.
Charlie Sheen and a hooker? What? Charlie Sheen drunk? What? Next you'll tell me that you don't even have to show identification to vote. What? They did. When? Oh, I guess you don't have to show an ID to vote in Arizona. The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled 2 to 1 that it would be unconstitutional. I wonder whose?
So Lindsay Lohan was ordered to stay in rehab over the holidays for fear of what she may do to herself or others around her. Is that the same reason Hillary Clinton will be out of the country on election day.
Can you imagine how pissed off Rosa Parks is going to be when all the old white dudes start piling in the back seat with her?
If the Republicans do not win the House of Representatives on Tuesday a lot of conservatives will be eating crow. Fortunately there will be no added salt, nor will it be cooked with trans fats, injected with hormones or killed in an inhumane way. Thanks Michelle.
When Speaker Pelosi is done in Congress I would like to see if she would ride around on my dashboard for a year. That's like the coolest bobble head ever, dude.
If the HBO show, Six Feet Under, ever comes back I cast Harry Reid as the deceased father who shows up in flashbacks. Make up, zero dollars, still getting to be on TV, priceless.
Full disclosure: I had a friend named Shane who was from Canada and when we were having a few beers one night he gave me $20 to go the beer store to reload. When I returned we had been drinking and I forgot to give him his change. So, technically I have received foreign money and wrote this somewhat political comedy piece. It was also sponsored by the Chamber of Commerce. (just kidding).
Till next....
So the enemy of my enemy is mi amigo? Que? El Presidente wants us to attack all the tea parties? Don't little old ladies host tea parties? Why are they are enemies? And they are even Americans aren't they?
"Stand Up Chuck, let em see ya." "Oh my God, what am I thinking?" Anyone actually knowing the answer to VP Joe Bidens question after he asked a wheelchair bound man to stand can send them into to the National Institute of What Goes Though a Buffoons Mind Before He Makes a Complete Ass of Himself, located in Washington D.C. Just put attn: Joe on the envelope. They will know who it's for.
Charlie Sheen and a hooker? What? Charlie Sheen drunk? What? Next you'll tell me that you don't even have to show identification to vote. What? They did. When? Oh, I guess you don't have to show an ID to vote in Arizona. The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled 2 to 1 that it would be unconstitutional. I wonder whose?
So Lindsay Lohan was ordered to stay in rehab over the holidays for fear of what she may do to herself or others around her. Is that the same reason Hillary Clinton will be out of the country on election day.
Can you imagine how pissed off Rosa Parks is going to be when all the old white dudes start piling in the back seat with her?
If the Republicans do not win the House of Representatives on Tuesday a lot of conservatives will be eating crow. Fortunately there will be no added salt, nor will it be cooked with trans fats, injected with hormones or killed in an inhumane way. Thanks Michelle.
When Speaker Pelosi is done in Congress I would like to see if she would ride around on my dashboard for a year. That's like the coolest bobble head ever, dude.
If the HBO show, Six Feet Under, ever comes back I cast Harry Reid as the deceased father who shows up in flashbacks. Make up, zero dollars, still getting to be on TV, priceless.
Full disclosure: I had a friend named Shane who was from Canada and when we were having a few beers one night he gave me $20 to go the beer store to reload. When I returned we had been drinking and I forgot to give him his change. So, technically I have received foreign money and wrote this somewhat political comedy piece. It was also sponsored by the Chamber of Commerce. (just kidding).
Till next....
How Are We Going To Win Our Money Back?
Every movie movie buff will recognize that quote from the classic One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest movie from 1975. When a slightly crazy Danny De Vito (Martini) finds out that the card game Jack Nicholson (McMurphy) is running is rigged and he is being cheated every day he can't understand how he is going to get his money back if they can't play cards anymore. Because of his limited capabilities he can't or won't accept that he will never win his money back because the game is fixed. No rational thinking human would continue to play let alone feel a loss because you can't even participate. But we are not dealing in rational. We are dealing in politics.
Next Tuesday a lot of Democrats are going to be crushed at the voting booths. I do think that they will be able to vote enough felons and dead people to hold on to the senate but just barely at that. A large part of this butt-kicking will be in part because a lot of Americans who happen to be Democrat and even some moderate Republicans found out the game was fixed. They thought because they were told Obama was a centrist that he would unite the country with his hope and change mantra. And then Nurse Ratched passed health care without a vote. And Arizona got sued over protecting themselves. And we took over GM and AIG. And we got tough with the "fat cats" from Wall Street who still got huge bonus checks this year. And the unions got more bailout money. And we passed a financial regulation bill and the bigwigs of Fannie and Freddie got huge bonus checks one week after asking for billions more of your money. We got a guy running the I.R.S. couldn't pay his own taxes. No harm no foul no penalty no interest. And then we took over student loans. And some banks. And some property. Does all this sound like conservative bitching? Please let me present President Ratched from the left side.
And then we were told Gitmo would be closed as soon as you took office. And then we were told you would close coal plants. And then we were told you would create one million green jobs. And then we were told you would pass a carbon tax. And you said unemployment would stay below 8% if we did what you asked. And you told us we would get to stay in the country with amnesty. You see Mr. Martini, Mr. McMurphy has been cheating you all along.
Don't worry my fellow lemmings. I know how you feel. I thought that I had voted for something else in 2004. The signs were all there if I cared to look hard enough but like all of you last election I was just happy to be playing. Deal us another hand Mr McMurphy, I really think I'm gonna win this time. You see it really doesn't matter which side of the insane asylum you root for either way the game is fixed. So this time we are going to kick out all the bums and start over with more Republicans. Deal me in McMurphy.......I'm feeling lucky.
Next Tuesday a lot of Democrats are going to be crushed at the voting booths. I do think that they will be able to vote enough felons and dead people to hold on to the senate but just barely at that. A large part of this butt-kicking will be in part because a lot of Americans who happen to be Democrat and even some moderate Republicans found out the game was fixed. They thought because they were told Obama was a centrist that he would unite the country with his hope and change mantra. And then Nurse Ratched passed health care without a vote. And Arizona got sued over protecting themselves. And we took over GM and AIG. And we got tough with the "fat cats" from Wall Street who still got huge bonus checks this year. And the unions got more bailout money. And we passed a financial regulation bill and the bigwigs of Fannie and Freddie got huge bonus checks one week after asking for billions more of your money. We got a guy running the I.R.S. couldn't pay his own taxes. No harm no foul no penalty no interest. And then we took over student loans. And some banks. And some property. Does all this sound like conservative bitching? Please let me present President Ratched from the left side.
And then we were told Gitmo would be closed as soon as you took office. And then we were told you would close coal plants. And then we were told you would create one million green jobs. And then we were told you would pass a carbon tax. And you said unemployment would stay below 8% if we did what you asked. And you told us we would get to stay in the country with amnesty. You see Mr. Martini, Mr. McMurphy has been cheating you all along.
Don't worry my fellow lemmings. I know how you feel. I thought that I had voted for something else in 2004. The signs were all there if I cared to look hard enough but like all of you last election I was just happy to be playing. Deal us another hand Mr McMurphy, I really think I'm gonna win this time. You see it really doesn't matter which side of the insane asylum you root for either way the game is fixed. So this time we are going to kick out all the bums and start over with more Republicans. Deal me in McMurphy.......I'm feeling lucky.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Winners Never Quit....Yea Right
How many times have you heard that tired old saw thrown around a locker room or staff meeting? Whatever the number is it's too damn high. While it sounds warm and fuzzy and at times almost inspirational more often than not it's just crap.
Let's take me for example. In my early years I had a slight problem with alcohol causing me to breakout. I broke out car windows, dorm windows, mailboxes, relationships and even jail one time. While this would bother most sane individuals I don't remember much from 1979 till 1984 so the pressure to actually become a "quitter" was lost on me. I had always agreed with the winners never quit mantra. You have to believe in something and I firmly believed it was time for another drink. To admit what a sociopath and ass I became when I drank and that I should quit would be like losing. I did quit and lost 20 pounds, my personality and half my friends.
Which brings us to today. Two months ago I gave up on a thirty year habit of smoking. The benefits of quitting are better sleep, better health, better taste, better sense of smell, better circulation and your clothes don't stink. After these two months I can say that is a crock. I do not feel any different than the day I quit except for more money in my pocket and a cold that has been here since day one. Oh and lest I forget the fact that if anything stands still for more than three minutes in my presence I will eat it. I have gained the 20 pounds I lost 25 years ago and 10 more just to make sure. But I'm a "winner" because I quit? Maybe if I quit eating 8000 calories a day I'll be considered a winner too.
The moral to this twisted little tale of my inability to do anything in moderation is that maybe the easiest way to be a winner is to not start partaking in the vice in the first place. Yea, that's it. OK kids, don't start in the first place. Whew, almost sent the wrong message there didn't I?
Let's take me for example. In my early years I had a slight problem with alcohol causing me to breakout. I broke out car windows, dorm windows, mailboxes, relationships and even jail one time. While this would bother most sane individuals I don't remember much from 1979 till 1984 so the pressure to actually become a "quitter" was lost on me. I had always agreed with the winners never quit mantra. You have to believe in something and I firmly believed it was time for another drink. To admit what a sociopath and ass I became when I drank and that I should quit would be like losing. I did quit and lost 20 pounds, my personality and half my friends.
Which brings us to today. Two months ago I gave up on a thirty year habit of smoking. The benefits of quitting are better sleep, better health, better taste, better sense of smell, better circulation and your clothes don't stink. After these two months I can say that is a crock. I do not feel any different than the day I quit except for more money in my pocket and a cold that has been here since day one. Oh and lest I forget the fact that if anything stands still for more than three minutes in my presence I will eat it. I have gained the 20 pounds I lost 25 years ago and 10 more just to make sure. But I'm a "winner" because I quit? Maybe if I quit eating 8000 calories a day I'll be considered a winner too.
The moral to this twisted little tale of my inability to do anything in moderation is that maybe the easiest way to be a winner is to not start partaking in the vice in the first place. Yea, that's it. OK kids, don't start in the first place. Whew, almost sent the wrong message there didn't I?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Man Cave Musings: Can they all be this bad?
Man Cave Musings: Can they all be this bad?: "With only eight days left to vote the ads on radio, television and mail are almost overwhelming. The problem is who do you vote for if they ..."
Can they all be this bad?
With only eight days left to vote the ads on radio, television and mail are almost overwhelming. The problem is who do you vote for if they all suck this badly? After watching some of the ads I am convinced that my choices are direct followers of Satan or worse. And it doesn't matter if they are Republican or Democrat. I am beginning to wonder if any of these candidates have a mother and father. How could anyone love people this horrible except their own family. And that might be questionable with some of these folks. "He thinks his wife should submit to me" "He paid for Viagra for rapists" "She wants school children to go without food" "He once clubbed a baby seal to death with a rolled up eviction notice of a family living on food stamps in a cardboard box"...Okay, I made that last one up but the other ones are actual ads running.
The way I choose to look at this is pretty much common sense. Will all this keep me from voting? No. Because if you don't vote you can't bitch and then I am almost out of material for next year so with that in mind here are my simple rules for selecting who gets my vote:
1. Are they currently under federal investigation or indictment? If the answer is no proceed to next question. If answer is yes and you have considered voting for this person go home and lock the door until the election is over. And please drive slow.
2. Do they vote the same way they talk on the campaign trail? If they adopt certain accents or dialects one stop to the next they do not get my vote. It is a sign of someones character when they sound like a Run DMC castoff at one dinner and Clint Black the next. Listen and hold them to what they say. If they vote otherwise they only get my vote once.
3. Do they share my core values as an American? I don't need 100% agreement on every issue but I do need to know that you don't think the founding fathers are those scary Asian dudes from Lethal Weapon 4.
Using this simple voters guide will help you keep your sanity and participate in the most important process we have. I know it is cliche but people have fought and died for your right to vote. Please don't let that be in vein.
The way I choose to look at this is pretty much common sense. Will all this keep me from voting? No. Because if you don't vote you can't bitch and then I am almost out of material for next year so with that in mind here are my simple rules for selecting who gets my vote:
1. Are they currently under federal investigation or indictment? If the answer is no proceed to next question. If answer is yes and you have considered voting for this person go home and lock the door until the election is over. And please drive slow.
2. Do they vote the same way they talk on the campaign trail? If they adopt certain accents or dialects one stop to the next they do not get my vote. It is a sign of someones character when they sound like a Run DMC castoff at one dinner and Clint Black the next. Listen and hold them to what they say. If they vote otherwise they only get my vote once.
3. Do they share my core values as an American? I don't need 100% agreement on every issue but I do need to know that you don't think the founding fathers are those scary Asian dudes from Lethal Weapon 4.
Using this simple voters guide will help you keep your sanity and participate in the most important process we have. I know it is cliche but people have fought and died for your right to vote. Please don't let that be in vein.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Turning 49
On Monday I turned 49 and realized that this is the worst birthday to have. People have 365 days to plot the sophmoric, childish and truly stupid party that serves to do nothing more than humiliate you while you try to appear good natured about the whole thing. I can't wait.
I have had dancing monkeys doing a bump and grind striptease in front of me. I have had surprise parties with evidence from my past that was not fit for children posted on every wall. I had one party that went so well only three people were arrested and six were let go with a warning. Given my history with birthday parties I may have to leave the country for the month of October next year.
This brings up the question of where to go? I don't speak Canadian so north is out. My Mexican is a little a weak so nada on the south. I'm leaning toward England. I need some dental work and I need to diet so this can kill two birds with one stone. Then over to Ireland and Scotland where they invented whisky. I will be putting my name on a liver donation list before I arrive. Serious damage shall be imparted and many brain cells will lose their lives as well. But only the weak ones. By the time I return I will be 50 and officially "senior" in the eyes of the early bird special world. Involuntary naps await me in only 359 days. I can hardly wait.
I have had dancing monkeys doing a bump and grind striptease in front of me. I have had surprise parties with evidence from my past that was not fit for children posted on every wall. I had one party that went so well only three people were arrested and six were let go with a warning. Given my history with birthday parties I may have to leave the country for the month of October next year.
This brings up the question of where to go? I don't speak Canadian so north is out. My Mexican is a little a weak so nada on the south. I'm leaning toward England. I need some dental work and I need to diet so this can kill two birds with one stone. Then over to Ireland and Scotland where they invented whisky. I will be putting my name on a liver donation list before I arrive. Serious damage shall be imparted and many brain cells will lose their lives as well. But only the weak ones. By the time I return I will be 50 and officially "senior" in the eyes of the early bird special world. Involuntary naps await me in only 359 days. I can hardly wait.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)