Friday we shall embark on the great American family tradition. The road trip. Myself, my wife Scarlett and her two kids Matthew age 7 and Melanie age 10 and my two boys ages 11 and 14 are making the 1200 mile drive to the U.P. of Michigan. That's Upper Peninsula for those of you who don't venture north much. The sights are beautiful and the weather is horrible. More to come on that next week but it got me thinking about some of our road trips when I was growing up. All to Chicago in the summer. To visit my Dad's sister and her family.
Chicago was fun but the lasting memories were of the car rides. We actually owned the family truckster long before National Lampoon's Vacation came out. One was a Mercury that had seats that faced each other all the way in the back. My parents figured out early that having direct opponents eye to eye for food fights out of their reach was a bad idea. A orange soda from McDonald's to the side of Dads head just outside of Green Bay put a very abrupt end to the battle. That was the last trip on I remember in the Mercury. With 4 kids only 5 years apart it was imperative for Dad to have access to the nerve centers of my older brother and I. We were the trouble makers. And he knew how to shut us down if he could reach us.
The trips were very structured. First light was always departure time. Not entirely sure why Dad chose this military tact every year but we did. I think announcing first stop at the Hilltop Inn for sweet rolls at 0600 hours was a sign he was taking it all too serious. Once Major Dad filled us with our sweet roll rations we were off. And these rolls are legendary. Frosting and butter rolling all the way down to your elbow in a race to see who drops to the floor first. Sugar coursing through the bloodstream screaming like Ricky Bobby, "I wanna go fast"as you start vibrating with anticipation about the next 7 hours trapped in the car. But the Major had a plan. About the time the roller coaster of fructose hit the bottom we were an hour outside of Green Bay. That meant one hour of silence while we slept off the sugar coma. Then McDonald's.
To say that Green Bay would be a highlight of anything is pretty sad. But it was the most anticipated part of our trip every year. Because there were no McDonald's where I grew up. There is one now but not in the 19...Well when I was growing up. Those fries. Big Mac's. Root Beer is those big cups with the fat straws. Ice cream cones. And the place had pictures of all the great players for the Packers on the walls. Made me hate them even more. Major did let us linger a little longer than usual before the next maneuver. He knew the next 4 hours were non-stop and the best chance for mayhem to occur. He was 100 percent right.
This was the half way point of the trip and that meant Bryan and I moved up to the second seat and our younger brother and sister went all the way back. With no control on the windows. Therefore the temperatures in the car. If it was sunny we would leave the windows up making for a very warm back seat. I looked back at Jimmy ,my younger brother ,one hot year and he looked like Dustin Hoffman in Papillon coming out of the hot box. I've seen wrestlers trying to lose weight in a steam room have less sweat pouring out of them. What we did could be considered cruel. It was all in good fun. They don't talk to me much but it is hard to find me. I'm sure they don't hold any grudges. Well, I'm not sure but I think they don't. Probably.
We did have some fun until the Major had had enough. I would get one warning. Which both he and I knew would be ignored. Then it was game on. Major Dad had the most unusual right arm in the world. It could stretch across the entire length of our woody station wagon and find my leg. Just above the knee. And then the screaming would begin. Modern medicine didn't know enough about it to call it nerve damage back then but that is what it was. My whole leg would go numb. For the rest of the trip and most of the next day. I would limp so bad when we got to Chicago my cousins thought I had Polio. And if he missed the knee? Any flesh will do. Just grab and crush until I came around to his way of thinking. It worked too. Till the trip home.
But our kids are very well behaved. And very scared of me already. Some part of me feels cheated not getting to be the Major. Oh well, I guess I can still get everyone up at daybreak and use military terms. Just doesn't seem the same. Maybe one of the kids will surprise me and be a trouble maker. That's the spirit.
Till next.....
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