If we could actually attend Santa's party the day after Christmas, this is what we might here:
10. Can someone please get the word out I am lactose intolerant. I'll have gas till July again.
9. So I'm half way down the chimney and I hear "Allah Akbar". And it says I'm supposed to be bringing a spiral cut ham. Climbed right back up the chimney and into the sleigh.
8. Donner, Dasher and Cupid all got into some egg nog before we left. They got lost six times over Ohio alone.
7. How hard is it to put out a fire in the fireplace before midnight? And morons still get presents.
6. Get me another nog would ya babe? I think the elves are going to see Santa wear a lampshade on his head by the time this party is over.
5. I really don't give a crap if you shout, pout or cry. I got my own problems.
4. The elves are talking about forming a union next year. Mrs. Claus is on my ass about losing weight and getting in shape. I've got hemorrhoids from being on the sleigh for the last 24 hours and I'll I can think about is how many more kids will Brangelina adopt.
3. Overshot the landing on a roof top in Texas. Had to pay six Mexicans to re-load the sleigh.
2. Attention bored housewives: Santa is happily married. Please do not try to entice me into staying longer by dressing provocatively and talking dirty. There are a lot of houses and only one of me. And I'm not as young as I used to be. And you aren't either.
1. Miracle on 34th street? They should have seen the time I beat that trafficking across state lines beef in Utah. Now that was a true miracle.
Till next.......
Looking at life through the odd mix of optimism, sarcasm, love and humor and not always in that order.
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