Everyone should have a Top 10 list at least once. Here's mine.
10. First drink of the morning is always through a straw. It's easy to do with the "shakes".
9. When counting how much you drink you don't count clear liquor before noon as a drink.
8. At least once you have been drunk enough to take your right thumb in your left hand and piss all over your own leg.
7. You have ever had a flat tire and changed it by putting the donut on backward, you may have a drinking problem.
6. You park in the backyard and spin the tires down to the frame. And it's not your backyard and you don't quite know who's yard it is. Or where it is the next day.
5. You have slept on or beneath a pool table in a bar. Extra points for doing both.
4. You can't remember how you got home. From 1980-1983.
3. You park your car sideways in the garage. And forget to open the garage door first.
2. You get in an argument quickly when you get home. And then realize you are not in your home.
1. You wake up in a different state. And there is at least one state between where you left and where you are. And you don't remember ever setting foot in it.
This list is just a partial list of indicators. But I have done everything on this list when I was drinking. When you find out that a real person did all these things and endangered himself and others it goes from funny to sad in a hurry. Well, some are still funny, but you know what I mean. If you have done any of these you might want to find something else to pass the time. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
Till next......
Looking at life through the odd mix of optimism, sarcasm, love and humor and not always in that order.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
If you are In a rowboat in the middle of a storm....
You better stop rowing. I've heard that advice before but it always seemed silly to me. You can't just give up. If you just sit there the storm is going to take you anywhere. It could be completely in the wrong direction. What if the storm lasts longer than you expect? You might even end up in a place you have never seen or even knew existed. And that's the point.
Full disclosure here is that I am late to the whole Christian thing. My Sundays were spent watching football. So with that in mind let me tell you my view on the rowboat today. If you stop rowing and just trust that you will come out where you want to go you are foolish. But if you stop rowing because you know you may end up in a different place and it will take all your strength to adapt, then you are wise. Now I have come to the belief that God is in control and when the storm starts raging I need to slow down and keep my eyes open.
According to what I'm told we never get more than we can handle. So in times of uncertainty and strife my job is to pray and listen. Here is where it gets tricky. When do you start to take action? If you see a storm on the horizon do you pray or start putting a tarp over the boat? People who have spent the majority of adulthood as Christians easily answer these questions. In part because they have believed for so long. It's not a question. They just know. Us newbies on the other hand still think way too hard. We are a confident bunch. Not saying God is wrong, I'm just saying lets talk about it.
Many times I compromise. When I see the storm I row like crazy and pray the same. Covering all bases I guess. But I thought maybe this time I would try something different. How about letting the boat go where it's supposed to go? Just say a prayer and continue to do what's right and wait for the storm to end. I might end up right where I am. I might not. But I will have all the strength I need when I get there.
Till next........
Full disclosure here is that I am late to the whole Christian thing. My Sundays were spent watching football. So with that in mind let me tell you my view on the rowboat today. If you stop rowing and just trust that you will come out where you want to go you are foolish. But if you stop rowing because you know you may end up in a different place and it will take all your strength to adapt, then you are wise. Now I have come to the belief that God is in control and when the storm starts raging I need to slow down and keep my eyes open.
According to what I'm told we never get more than we can handle. So in times of uncertainty and strife my job is to pray and listen. Here is where it gets tricky. When do you start to take action? If you see a storm on the horizon do you pray or start putting a tarp over the boat? People who have spent the majority of adulthood as Christians easily answer these questions. In part because they have believed for so long. It's not a question. They just know. Us newbies on the other hand still think way too hard. We are a confident bunch. Not saying God is wrong, I'm just saying lets talk about it.
Many times I compromise. When I see the storm I row like crazy and pray the same. Covering all bases I guess. But I thought maybe this time I would try something different. How about letting the boat go where it's supposed to go? Just say a prayer and continue to do what's right and wait for the storm to end. I might end up right where I am. I might not. But I will have all the strength I need when I get there.
Till next........
Monday, November 29, 2010
You can tell me. I'm a doctor. Thanks for the....
memories, Leslie. You were on of the funniest people we have ever had the pleasure of watching. The skilled deadpan lines you uttered in Airplane have a special place in my heart. Let me tell you why.
My youngest son Zachary(who has a blog here) was only 3 months old when he contracted a very bad case of Chicken pox. That weakened his immune system which enabled him to contract R.S.V. a nasty little respiratory disease which stops your ability to breathe. It is very similar to asthma in adults. In children it is much more dangerous. Especially if they can't tell you what's wrong. There was more than one occasion where we raced to the ER to get him breathing again. Those big brown eyes would show the confusion he had when he started to go Smurf on me. Breathing treatments every two hours on the hour for months on end. There were nights when I did not think he would ever be healthy enough to breathe on his own.
Zachary has always been a fighter and even at that young age he was tough. As he grew older we would watch movies when it was treatment time. (Or bedtime) And his first favorite movie was Airplane. I know he didn't get many of the jokes but I think he loved to lay on my chest and hear me laugh. The more I laughed, the more he laughed. The more he laughed, the harder I would laugh. It was the most beautiful treadmill you would ever witness. It didn't take long for Christopher, his older brother, to hear the noise and want to be a part of it. So every night I was home (and there was not nearly enough of them) we would put in a movie and laugh until they fell asleep. And Airplane was the movie that Zachary chose for a long time.
Now the boys are 11 and 14. The days of laying on Dad and watching a movie are gone. We still watch movies but it's not the same for me. For me, the movie is unfolding right before me. How will the boys turn out? Will they go on to great things? Will they be happy? This is the part of the movie that you watch covering one eye. It can get kind of scary. At some point you want to yell,"Don't go in the basement" or "Don't start drinking this young" but you know they can't hear you. They are going to do what is written in the script. They will play the part just as it is written. So now, while I think of the great Leslie Nielsen, I smile and think of my two boys. And the voice in my head says' " Of course we'll do good Dad. But don't call us Shirley."
Till next......
My youngest son Zachary(who has a blog here) was only 3 months old when he contracted a very bad case of Chicken pox. That weakened his immune system which enabled him to contract R.S.V. a nasty little respiratory disease which stops your ability to breathe. It is very similar to asthma in adults. In children it is much more dangerous. Especially if they can't tell you what's wrong. There was more than one occasion where we raced to the ER to get him breathing again. Those big brown eyes would show the confusion he had when he started to go Smurf on me. Breathing treatments every two hours on the hour for months on end. There were nights when I did not think he would ever be healthy enough to breathe on his own.
Zachary has always been a fighter and even at that young age he was tough. As he grew older we would watch movies when it was treatment time. (Or bedtime) And his first favorite movie was Airplane. I know he didn't get many of the jokes but I think he loved to lay on my chest and hear me laugh. The more I laughed, the more he laughed. The more he laughed, the harder I would laugh. It was the most beautiful treadmill you would ever witness. It didn't take long for Christopher, his older brother, to hear the noise and want to be a part of it. So every night I was home (and there was not nearly enough of them) we would put in a movie and laugh until they fell asleep. And Airplane was the movie that Zachary chose for a long time.
Now the boys are 11 and 14. The days of laying on Dad and watching a movie are gone. We still watch movies but it's not the same for me. For me, the movie is unfolding right before me. How will the boys turn out? Will they go on to great things? Will they be happy? This is the part of the movie that you watch covering one eye. It can get kind of scary. At some point you want to yell,"Don't go in the basement" or "Don't start drinking this young" but you know they can't hear you. They are going to do what is written in the script. They will play the part just as it is written. So now, while I think of the great Leslie Nielsen, I smile and think of my two boys. And the voice in my head says' " Of course we'll do good Dad. But don't call us Shirley."
Till next......
10 Steps to cure being too pessimistic
This program is not medically approved nor endorsed. Of course if you are a pessimist you already said that before you clicked on this link.
1. Admit that you are a pessimist and this is probably a waste of time.
2. Once a day speak to another person without using the phrase, "If you believe it"
3. Find one friend who you can really trust and tell him you are thinking of becoming less pessimistic about life. This is a big step for you. I know you are thinking it won't work or make a difference. It's because you are pessimistic. Just tell them.
4. Start complimenting people during the day without the pessimistic backhand at the end of it. Say, "You look great today" instead of "You look great today for someone your age".
5. Try to see the good in people who piss you off the most. Talk to them. This is very difficult for most true pessimists because they have a superiority complex over most people. It is also very important to breakdown the old barriers, so this step must not be skipped. Start with someone who works for you or with you. They may not take it too well the first time or two. They probably don't have a lot of trust in you giving a genuine compliment. That's OK. Some will and some won't.
6. Remove these two phrases from your lexicon, "I knew it" and "That figures". First off, you did not know it. If you did you would have done something about. Second, what figures? Figures what? Both of these are far too pessimistic. Don't ever say them again unless you are sharing these tips with a practicing pessimist. Speak only about positive things or outcomes.
7. Admit when something good happens. Anything at all. Just say"That's good" and shut up.
8. Explore the possibility that the whole world might not be conspiring against you. Some people have other things to do. I'm just saying it might not be all about you.
9. Get up early one morning and watch the sunrise. Instead of thinking about another sunburn or how muggy it will be just enjoy the view. If it is cloudy try the next day. Repeat if necessary.
10. If you uttered the phrase "whatever" more than 3 times reading this please check yourself into some sort of rehab facility. I can no longer help you.
Till next.......
1. Admit that you are a pessimist and this is probably a waste of time.
2. Once a day speak to another person without using the phrase, "If you believe it"
3. Find one friend who you can really trust and tell him you are thinking of becoming less pessimistic about life. This is a big step for you. I know you are thinking it won't work or make a difference. It's because you are pessimistic. Just tell them.
4. Start complimenting people during the day without the pessimistic backhand at the end of it. Say, "You look great today" instead of "You look great today for someone your age".
5. Try to see the good in people who piss you off the most. Talk to them. This is very difficult for most true pessimists because they have a superiority complex over most people. It is also very important to breakdown the old barriers, so this step must not be skipped. Start with someone who works for you or with you. They may not take it too well the first time or two. They probably don't have a lot of trust in you giving a genuine compliment. That's OK. Some will and some won't.
6. Remove these two phrases from your lexicon, "I knew it" and "That figures". First off, you did not know it. If you did you would have done something about. Second, what figures? Figures what? Both of these are far too pessimistic. Don't ever say them again unless you are sharing these tips with a practicing pessimist. Speak only about positive things or outcomes.
7. Admit when something good happens. Anything at all. Just say"That's good" and shut up.
8. Explore the possibility that the whole world might not be conspiring against you. Some people have other things to do. I'm just saying it might not be all about you.
9. Get up early one morning and watch the sunrise. Instead of thinking about another sunburn or how muggy it will be just enjoy the view. If it is cloudy try the next day. Repeat if necessary.
10. If you uttered the phrase "whatever" more than 3 times reading this please check yourself into some sort of rehab facility. I can no longer help you.
Till next.......
Sunday, November 28, 2010
To sleep, perchance to dream....
Hamlet was obviously a very tormented soul. The fact that Shakespeare so artfully wrote his misgivings about peaceful sleep even in death is a little unsettling. I choose to believe that in death we do get to enjoy peace. Normally death is a subject to which I do not comment on. The great bingo game in the sky is how I often refer to it. When your number is called it is time to go. At 49 years of age I should have been to more than three funerals. But I have not. And sadness is something that I have generally saved for the living. But the times they are a changing.
Yesterday during a conversation about rock and roll a name from the past came up. Tommy Bolin was a great guitarist who overdosed right as his star was rising. I happened to do a lot of drinking with his younger brother Ricky back in the day in Dallas in the early 1980's. He never got over Tommy's death. It was always right near the surface when Ricky and I started the party. He moved back to Iowa to be with his family shortly after that and I quit drinking and doping in 1985. So after having my memory jarred yesterday I looked up Ricky. Or more precisely, I looked up his obituary. He died in 1994 on August 23. Sadness couldn't hide this time. We were good friends but for a very short period of time. Judging by the wording of the article the party never stopped for Ricky. For those of us who are subject to abusing alcohol all the way to the grave I know how Ricky went. And that made me feel worse.
But something was still tugging at me last night. And then today the news about another friend passing away was forwarded to me. John Steakley was a golf partner, business partner and friend. His sense of humor and passion for debate was tireless. He also never hit a bad golf shot. A million reasons why it didn't turn out well but none of them due to him. It was part of his charm. And even though John could be in your face at times you always knew where his heart was. He was never shy about offering an opinion on most any subject with knowledge to back it up. His stories of writing his novels were inspiring to me. Because he didn't have to. He chose to. John was a man's man and a true character. I used to tell him he was like John Wayne to me. He would smile and wait for the punchline. "John Wayne who had been kicked in the head by his horse" and he would roar with laughter. It may be that laugh that I will miss the most. To sleep...perchance to dream well my friend.
Till next........
Yesterday during a conversation about rock and roll a name from the past came up. Tommy Bolin was a great guitarist who overdosed right as his star was rising. I happened to do a lot of drinking with his younger brother Ricky back in the day in Dallas in the early 1980's. He never got over Tommy's death. It was always right near the surface when Ricky and I started the party. He moved back to Iowa to be with his family shortly after that and I quit drinking and doping in 1985. So after having my memory jarred yesterday I looked up Ricky. Or more precisely, I looked up his obituary. He died in 1994 on August 23. Sadness couldn't hide this time. We were good friends but for a very short period of time. Judging by the wording of the article the party never stopped for Ricky. For those of us who are subject to abusing alcohol all the way to the grave I know how Ricky went. And that made me feel worse.
But something was still tugging at me last night. And then today the news about another friend passing away was forwarded to me. John Steakley was a golf partner, business partner and friend. His sense of humor and passion for debate was tireless. He also never hit a bad golf shot. A million reasons why it didn't turn out well but none of them due to him. It was part of his charm. And even though John could be in your face at times you always knew where his heart was. He was never shy about offering an opinion on most any subject with knowledge to back it up. His stories of writing his novels were inspiring to me. Because he didn't have to. He chose to. John was a man's man and a true character. I used to tell him he was like John Wayne to me. He would smile and wait for the punchline. "John Wayne who had been kicked in the head by his horse" and he would roar with laughter. It may be that laugh that I will miss the most. To sleep...perchance to dream well my friend.
Till next........
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Christmas gifts...I have an idea.
Why not give one everyday leading up to Christmas? You heard me right. And not just to your loved ones and people you know, but to folks you just met. It sounds expensive but it really isn't. And the gifts you give can create a memory forever. And it is free. Yep. The "f" word.
How about a hug and telling your spouse that you love them everyday? What's that cost? Nada. Or a big smile and "How are you today?" when you stop to get gas or whatever. Not a red cent. Spend an hour each day with your kids. It doesn't matter what you're doing. They want your time. It is the single most important gift we can give. You only get a certain amount of it. You can't bargain for more, so when you share it, you are giving a real, true, and precious gift.
Ask somebody what they got for Christmas two years ago. See if they can give you an answer. Now ask them what is their favorite memory from Christmas. Whole different ballgame. The eyes light up. The speech becomes more animated. It is not the material gifts we buy that last. It's the lasting impressions we leave. If you want to give the best gifts ever (and who doesn't) then figure out a way to make a memory. Or create a feeling. Pass along some wisdom. Make somebody laugh when they are having a tough time.
You see, this whole Santa thing is a ruse folks. You can give gifts everyday. No sleigh. No reindeer. No getting up at 3 am and getting trampled for that $3 toaster. Put that bag of toys over your shoulder every morning and set out to make a difference. And you know what happens? You end up getting the gift. I don't know how it works but it does. So go ahead and try it till Christmas. You can thank me then. What a nice gift that will be.
Till next.........
How about a hug and telling your spouse that you love them everyday? What's that cost? Nada. Or a big smile and "How are you today?" when you stop to get gas or whatever. Not a red cent. Spend an hour each day with your kids. It doesn't matter what you're doing. They want your time. It is the single most important gift we can give. You only get a certain amount of it. You can't bargain for more, so when you share it, you are giving a real, true, and precious gift.
Ask somebody what they got for Christmas two years ago. See if they can give you an answer. Now ask them what is their favorite memory from Christmas. Whole different ballgame. The eyes light up. The speech becomes more animated. It is not the material gifts we buy that last. It's the lasting impressions we leave. If you want to give the best gifts ever (and who doesn't) then figure out a way to make a memory. Or create a feeling. Pass along some wisdom. Make somebody laugh when they are having a tough time.
You see, this whole Santa thing is a ruse folks. You can give gifts everyday. No sleigh. No reindeer. No getting up at 3 am and getting trampled for that $3 toaster. Put that bag of toys over your shoulder every morning and set out to make a difference. And you know what happens? You end up getting the gift. I don't know how it works but it does. So go ahead and try it till Christmas. You can thank me then. What a nice gift that will be.
Till next.........
Friday, November 26, 2010
The smartest thing to come out of Obama's mouth so far was
his opponents elbow. 12 stitches and I bet he'll still be able make a speech. Rumor has it that he never even said ouch. There was no teleprompter to tell him what to say. He took the shot to the choppers while on defense. At least he believes in some sort of strong defense. Just not the national kind. Good solid man to man defense. Don't ask, don't tell defense.
There is something funny about the way Presidents seem to get injured. This is the one area where Democrats are far more macho than Republicans. With the notable exception of Ronald Reagan taking a slug to the chest, the Republicans have suffered from ailments that would be considered wimpy by the math club. George W. ran or rode a bike everyday and still got his ass kicked by a pretzel. His dad went one better throwing up and passing out on another world leader. How much teasing do you think he took every year at the G20? 41 was also shut down for a funky heartbeat when he was jogging one day. Not exactly getting your windpipe crushed while changing the transmission in a topless dancer's car, testosterone wise, is it?
Democrats on the other hand are at least engaging in something other than banquets when they get hurt. Bill Clinton tore his knee up falling down the stairs at Greg Norman's place in Florida. Rumor has it they were on a pretty good bender and chasing women around the place. Not exactly a pretzel is it? He also had a very well publicized groin pull while he was President. And then the castration by Hillary. Billy boy was tougher than he looked.
till next..........
There is something funny about the way Presidents seem to get injured. This is the one area where Democrats are far more macho than Republicans. With the notable exception of Ronald Reagan taking a slug to the chest, the Republicans have suffered from ailments that would be considered wimpy by the math club. George W. ran or rode a bike everyday and still got his ass kicked by a pretzel. His dad went one better throwing up and passing out on another world leader. How much teasing do you think he took every year at the G20? 41 was also shut down for a funky heartbeat when he was jogging one day. Not exactly getting your windpipe crushed while changing the transmission in a topless dancer's car, testosterone wise, is it?
Democrats on the other hand are at least engaging in something other than banquets when they get hurt. Bill Clinton tore his knee up falling down the stairs at Greg Norman's place in Florida. Rumor has it they were on a pretty good bender and chasing women around the place. Not exactly a pretzel is it? He also had a very well publicized groin pull while he was President. And then the castration by Hillary. Billy boy was tougher than he looked.
Barrack taking one to the grill while manning up on "D" is macho. And his street cred needed some help. After having to throw out the first pitch a couple of times there were some serious questions being raised. Did his daughters teach him to throw? Should Michelle be invited next time? Is he really left-handed? See what I mean? The president needed something to look tougher. It might have been better if the Secret Service didn't shoot the guy with the ball afterward. Or if he finished the game bleeding and all. Like Nolan Ryan when he took that ground ball to the lip. Blood everywhere and he struck out the next batter. Comparing Nolan Ryan to Barrack isn't quite fair. Asking Erkel to ride a horse like John Wayne isn't fair either.
till next..........
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving to who?
Of course family and friends. Co-workers, most of them get the 1700's shout out. But if I was taught right, wasn't the feast shared with people who were not getting along really well? Pretty sure they had a disagreement or two leading up to the turkey and mashed taters. Trying to kill each other is not exactly a way to build warm and fuzzy relationships. So if we are following tradition we should be sitting down today with folks that kind of piss us off. Who would that be?
How about inviting Osama bin Laden over for turkey? Send the invite on the tip of bunker busting bomb to make sure he gets it. How about the pot bellied pig dictator for North Korea? Kim Jong-Il would probably like to come over for some dog flavored turkey and dressing. And while we are sending out the "come on overs" don't forget Ahamedinejad in Iran. We could get a yellow pages book for him to sit on. Let's extend a hand to these nut jobs. See if we can't have them over turkey and arsenic. Pumpkin pie and water boarding. Yummy.
What about a nice dinner with any customer service representative located outside the U.S.? Am the only one wishing the person helping me spoke a language close to mine? At least a grasp of where verbs and nouns go in conjunction with each other would be nice. Maybe being able to point to the home office on a map. Pronounce the word "warranty" somewhat close to a three syllable word. It might be fun just to have one over to announce the menu. Then to tell him we are currently out of food and ask if I can be of any further assistance today. Now that is giving thanks.
How about your auto mechanic? "Turkey was only $20 but the labor to cook it is a hundred. While I was prepping the turkey I found a place for stuffing so that's gonna need to fixed We went ahead and added the mashed potatoes for you at no charge. The gravy was $42. You are welcome." Extend the greasy hand of fellowship. Invite Mr Goodwrench over a new set of 4 candied yams. Charge him a thousand bucks but throw in the marshmallows.
Airline Security people come on over. Before you walk through my front door remove your shoes, belt and common sense. Keep your hands out of the turkey crevices please. Empty your pockets before sitting at the table. Unfortunately you will have to eat with your fingers because no knives or forks are allowed. The gravy and butter has been pre-portioned in three ounce clear baggies at the end of the table.
To sum up this message of the true spirit of Thanksgiving, let's try to remember that the people we love get our thanks year round. The people we don't should at least get a dinner once a year and a very fake "Happy Thanksgiving!"
How about inviting Osama bin Laden over for turkey? Send the invite on the tip of bunker busting bomb to make sure he gets it. How about the pot bellied pig dictator for North Korea? Kim Jong-Il would probably like to come over for some dog flavored turkey and dressing. And while we are sending out the "come on overs" don't forget Ahamedinejad in Iran. We could get a yellow pages book for him to sit on. Let's extend a hand to these nut jobs. See if we can't have them over turkey and arsenic. Pumpkin pie and water boarding. Yummy.
What about a nice dinner with any customer service representative located outside the U.S.? Am the only one wishing the person helping me spoke a language close to mine? At least a grasp of where verbs and nouns go in conjunction with each other would be nice. Maybe being able to point to the home office on a map. Pronounce the word "warranty" somewhat close to a three syllable word. It might be fun just to have one over to announce the menu. Then to tell him we are currently out of food and ask if I can be of any further assistance today. Now that is giving thanks.
How about your auto mechanic? "Turkey was only $20 but the labor to cook it is a hundred. While I was prepping the turkey I found a place for stuffing so that's gonna need to fixed We went ahead and added the mashed potatoes for you at no charge. The gravy was $42. You are welcome." Extend the greasy hand of fellowship. Invite Mr Goodwrench over a new set of 4 candied yams. Charge him a thousand bucks but throw in the marshmallows.
Airline Security people come on over. Before you walk through my front door remove your shoes, belt and common sense. Keep your hands out of the turkey crevices please. Empty your pockets before sitting at the table. Unfortunately you will have to eat with your fingers because no knives or forks are allowed. The gravy and butter has been pre-portioned in three ounce clear baggies at the end of the table.
To sum up this message of the true spirit of Thanksgiving, let's try to remember that the people we love get our thanks year round. The people we don't should at least get a dinner once a year and a very fake "Happy Thanksgiving!"
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Nose job? Not for me. I might lose my fame....
Just like Jennifer Gray. Up until I saw Dancing with the Stars I forgot all about her. She sure spent a lot of years in obscurity because she did not embrace the beauty of the big beak. She is not the first one to make that mistake. Just one of the more famous. She is pretty plain with a normal sized nose. At least hers didn't turn out like Michael Jackson's nose. He started out looking like an average brother and turned into something resembling a rodent that had a bad cocaine habit for too many years. If he turned it up one more degree he would have drowned in a rain storm.
A big nose can actually add longevity to an actors career, I think. How many years did the great Karl Malden act? At least 4 decades worth. Maybe 5. Jimmy Durante is another one. Stage and screen for him. Ray Romano can cast a long shadow with his beak. Bob Hope, while he lacked the sheer girth of the others, his length was still well above average. World famous too. Dustin Hoffman sniffed out a nice career and he he's got a honker a goose would be proud of. Jennifer Lopez is not known for her nose but it sticks out like her...well you get the picture. Sarah Jessica Parker has a nose that most toucans would be proud of. She could be a spokesperson for Fruit Loops. Patrick Stewart probably calls his the "starship enterprise". Captains log, damn that is a big nose. Mel Gibson sports a pretty large lethal proboscis his own self. He can smell a bad relationship from a mile away. (maybe not) Jim Belushi isn't exactly a pug nose and he is in his third decade as well. The list goes on and on.
I point these very talented people out not to mock or ridicule, which is my natural tendency, but to exalt. They have reached the pinnacle of their profession with huge noses. There is hope for all of us who have boldly stuck our nose out because we don't have a choice. Shows character, people have said to me. Great. I must have frigging Disney running around on top of my lip then. Shows determination I've been told. Given that equation I will be curing cancer while I climb Mt. Everest and sing bedtime stories to the three homeless children I have adopted. The only thing this nose has determined is a huge tissue bill during allergy season. So I am determined to be a character?That might make sense of all this.
Well, Jennifer, I hope we have all learned something from your decision to have some sort of rhinocircumcision. If you got a big one be proud. At least I don't have to wear a Speedo to show it off.
Till next......
A big nose can actually add longevity to an actors career, I think. How many years did the great Karl Malden act? At least 4 decades worth. Maybe 5. Jimmy Durante is another one. Stage and screen for him. Ray Romano can cast a long shadow with his beak. Bob Hope, while he lacked the sheer girth of the others, his length was still well above average. World famous too. Dustin Hoffman sniffed out a nice career and he he's got a honker a goose would be proud of. Jennifer Lopez is not known for her nose but it sticks out like her...well you get the picture. Sarah Jessica Parker has a nose that most toucans would be proud of. She could be a spokesperson for Fruit Loops. Patrick Stewart probably calls his the "starship enterprise". Captains log, damn that is a big nose. Mel Gibson sports a pretty large lethal proboscis his own self. He can smell a bad relationship from a mile away. (maybe not) Jim Belushi isn't exactly a pug nose and he is in his third decade as well. The list goes on and on.
I point these very talented people out not to mock or ridicule, which is my natural tendency, but to exalt. They have reached the pinnacle of their profession with huge noses. There is hope for all of us who have boldly stuck our nose out because we don't have a choice. Shows character, people have said to me. Great. I must have frigging Disney running around on top of my lip then. Shows determination I've been told. Given that equation I will be curing cancer while I climb Mt. Everest and sing bedtime stories to the three homeless children I have adopted. The only thing this nose has determined is a huge tissue bill during allergy season. So I am determined to be a character?That might make sense of all this.
Well, Jennifer, I hope we have all learned something from your decision to have some sort of rhinocircumcision. If you got a big one be proud. At least I don't have to wear a Speedo to show it off.
Till next......
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I will always love her. One day she will love me back again.
All of us have had our heart broken. The deep pain we feel and the sense of despair is horrible. My heart may be broken now but it won't stay that way. I know how to win you back. The method is not new nor is it hard. I couldn't dare ask you to change. I know I must.
You have told me how to make you happy. You have told me the type of car to drive to please you. Right down to the make and model. But love can't be summed up in just a vehicle. There is so much more you need me to do to show my love. Of course it's important to take care of my health to be there for you so I will be happy to buy whatever insurance you need me to buy. How about where I put my money? Just tell me which bank is on your list. You said I was a coward because I didn't want to talk about race so let's just sit down for a beer summit sometime. I'll try not to cling to my guns like the 2nd amendment says. Sometimes I just lose my way. I will try to turn to you and not to my religion or my guns.
Maybe I am a coward because I fear terrorists and you don't even acknowledge their existence. Radical Muslims don't even phase you. Man made natural disasters are of some concern but not a lot. You will face down murderers in an open court of law. No tribunals for you. No sirree bub. Nothing but the best for these criminals. You are not afraid of losing. If they win freedom on a technicality we'll survive. We survived 9/11 right? That's what you said. I read the book.
And if I don't agree with you it's just because I don't understand. Please be patient with me. Explain it to me over and over. And over and over. You are the one I've been waiting for. You told me. But you are not the one I fell in love with. And I'm no longer hoping for change.
I fell in love with freedom. With everyone pulling together to make each other great. I fell in love with being able to fail. I fell in love with MY country. Not a country with open boarders. Not a country that would pit one citizen against another just because he makes more money. Not a country where feeling my crotch is considered safety. I fell in love with a country that was worried about the individual and not the government. I will win you back one election at a time.
Till next......
You have told me how to make you happy. You have told me the type of car to drive to please you. Right down to the make and model. But love can't be summed up in just a vehicle. There is so much more you need me to do to show my love. Of course it's important to take care of my health to be there for you so I will be happy to buy whatever insurance you need me to buy. How about where I put my money? Just tell me which bank is on your list. You said I was a coward because I didn't want to talk about race so let's just sit down for a beer summit sometime. I'll try not to cling to my guns like the 2nd amendment says. Sometimes I just lose my way. I will try to turn to you and not to my religion or my guns.
Maybe I am a coward because I fear terrorists and you don't even acknowledge their existence. Radical Muslims don't even phase you. Man made natural disasters are of some concern but not a lot. You will face down murderers in an open court of law. No tribunals for you. No sirree bub. Nothing but the best for these criminals. You are not afraid of losing. If they win freedom on a technicality we'll survive. We survived 9/11 right? That's what you said. I read the book.
And if I don't agree with you it's just because I don't understand. Please be patient with me. Explain it to me over and over. And over and over. You are the one I've been waiting for. You told me. But you are not the one I fell in love with. And I'm no longer hoping for change.
I fell in love with freedom. With everyone pulling together to make each other great. I fell in love with being able to fail. I fell in love with MY country. Not a country with open boarders. Not a country that would pit one citizen against another just because he makes more money. Not a country where feeling my crotch is considered safety. I fell in love with a country that was worried about the individual and not the government. I will win you back one election at a time.
Till next......
Monday, November 22, 2010
A $2.00 gas card..The good old days
It occurred to me the other day when I bought a fifty dollar gas and only spent forty eight that I now had a $2.00 gas card. That gives me just enough to drive to the next gas station, pull up a chair and talk about the good old days when I used to have a $2.00 gas card. Maybe I could bring a block of wood and whittle a baby duck. Tell some of the many stories I have of past glory. Start chewing tobacco so I could spit to add false tension at key moments of the tale. Gaze somewhere off in the distance as if looking for a memory that I can't quite grasp. Or.....
Realize that the good old days are all around right now. When I was younger and had no responsibilities other than a job I spent my time going to rock concerts and sporting events. Not a day went by where I didn't get my drunk on. And all that time I thought how great high school had been. The good old days of sneaking around the school. Hanging out with my best friends everyday telling jokes, smoking rope, playing sports and trying to get a date. The minute I graduated, my high school career became the good old days.
Then along came a couple of marriages and two kids. The stories around the bar switched to rock concerts and ball games. The good old days of no one to answer to except the police officer who pulled you over or the bartender asking you if you want another. Overnight benders at the Rolling Stones concert. Three day binge at the Texas Jam in Houston. Being removed from several events for being just a little too vocal teasing the opposing team. All stories re-told with a positive bent to them. Revisionist history is the term. The people who shared some of these times would probably have a much different idea of good old days.
Now the good old days seem to be the everyday battles without terrorists threats back in the 1990's. Tales of the bars I owned and the great people who frequented them. Stories of being and becoming sober. The last moments of addiction when my behavior was so ridiculous that my family and closest friends pretty much stopped talking to me. These were considered good old days because I won. Because I lost. I couldn't beat booze or dope. So to make them the good old days I quit fighting. Now the drunk stories are good old days tales of yore.
It proves where I and most other people have missed the whole point. Would you do what you did in High School now and think it was good? Could you behave now like you did right after college and still hold a job? Have a long term, meaningful type of relationship? Yet we sure look back with fondness on those times don't we? Then we complain about today and tomorrow and how times of changed. No they have not. We have. The good old days of ten years from now are right now. Enjoy them now instead of spending your time thinking how good it used to be. It was never that good back then and it isn't that bad now. Our own nature works against us. We have trouble enjoying the moments as they happen because we move so fast. "What's next?" is our mantra. Mine included.
What if, at the end of each day we sat down and looked back with fondness and happiness of the day that just ended? Or if it was a tough day look back and think of how tomorrow could be better? Can you imagine how great you would feel mentally if everyday you went to bed without having to drag your problems from one day to the next? I can't tell you how much fun it is to have the good old days everyday now. Is my world any different than most? Nope. Just the way I look at it. Even my bad days are good old days. It's all in perception. The good old days were when I started writing this blog. So, smile and enjoy the day. Because tomorrow, today became a good old day.
Till next......
Realize that the good old days are all around right now. When I was younger and had no responsibilities other than a job I spent my time going to rock concerts and sporting events. Not a day went by where I didn't get my drunk on. And all that time I thought how great high school had been. The good old days of sneaking around the school. Hanging out with my best friends everyday telling jokes, smoking rope, playing sports and trying to get a date. The minute I graduated, my high school career became the good old days.
Then along came a couple of marriages and two kids. The stories around the bar switched to rock concerts and ball games. The good old days of no one to answer to except the police officer who pulled you over or the bartender asking you if you want another. Overnight benders at the Rolling Stones concert. Three day binge at the Texas Jam in Houston. Being removed from several events for being just a little too vocal teasing the opposing team. All stories re-told with a positive bent to them. Revisionist history is the term. The people who shared some of these times would probably have a much different idea of good old days.
Now the good old days seem to be the everyday battles without terrorists threats back in the 1990's. Tales of the bars I owned and the great people who frequented them. Stories of being and becoming sober. The last moments of addiction when my behavior was so ridiculous that my family and closest friends pretty much stopped talking to me. These were considered good old days because I won. Because I lost. I couldn't beat booze or dope. So to make them the good old days I quit fighting. Now the drunk stories are good old days tales of yore.
It proves where I and most other people have missed the whole point. Would you do what you did in High School now and think it was good? Could you behave now like you did right after college and still hold a job? Have a long term, meaningful type of relationship? Yet we sure look back with fondness on those times don't we? Then we complain about today and tomorrow and how times of changed. No they have not. We have. The good old days of ten years from now are right now. Enjoy them now instead of spending your time thinking how good it used to be. It was never that good back then and it isn't that bad now. Our own nature works against us. We have trouble enjoying the moments as they happen because we move so fast. "What's next?" is our mantra. Mine included.
What if, at the end of each day we sat down and looked back with fondness and happiness of the day that just ended? Or if it was a tough day look back and think of how tomorrow could be better? Can you imagine how great you would feel mentally if everyday you went to bed without having to drag your problems from one day to the next? I can't tell you how much fun it is to have the good old days everyday now. Is my world any different than most? Nope. Just the way I look at it. Even my bad days are good old days. It's all in perception. The good old days were when I started writing this blog. So, smile and enjoy the day. Because tomorrow, today became a good old day.
Till next......
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sunday musings....God, football, Christmas decorating
Why do all the Mega churches have to use a police car to get out of the parking lot after the service? If you are walking with God, a timely merge into traffic to beat the heathens to IHOP seems a bit out of focus.
If everyone who goes to church does a 10% tithe and then leaves a 20% tip at IHOP, are they saying the waitress is worth twice as much as the church?
Is it really just a coincidence that most services end 30 minutes before the football games kick off? Somewhere a conversation probably sounded like this. "I know you created Heaven and Earth but if we don't move our end time up we are going to lose half the south every Sunday."
We used to string popcorn for tree decorations. Since I quit smoking I cannot be trusted to handle food products. Last night I cooked 12 hot dogs and said I was using them for tree decorations. Nobody bought it.
The evolution of decorations is odd. We started with cheap items that could be made at home and progressed to slick marketing tools for all. Jenna Jameson ornament anyone? Try and make sense out of that one. Agnostic tree ornaments? Yep. Got those out there too. I say we go back to popcorn and cranberries. Not an Orville Redenbacher bulb or a Cranberries CD. Never mind.
At one time I had a Texas Rangers bulb, Detroit Lions bulb and Dallas Mavericks bulb (this is in the 1990's when the Mavs sucked). And I always bought the most beautiful Christmas trees every year. Kind of like Angelina Jolie with that vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around around her neck. Absolutely beautiful until you see what hanging off it. Then it's just creepy.
A bad quarterback and a great preacher are the only people I know who can make 50,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ" at the same time.
If God didn't want us to watch football why did he invent big screen TVs? The game would be much less exciting if we had to wait for those monks to scribe the score and get it out to us.
Smile on this beautiful day the Lord had made, you could be a Lions fan....
Till next.........
If everyone who goes to church does a 10% tithe and then leaves a 20% tip at IHOP, are they saying the waitress is worth twice as much as the church?
Is it really just a coincidence that most services end 30 minutes before the football games kick off? Somewhere a conversation probably sounded like this. "I know you created Heaven and Earth but if we don't move our end time up we are going to lose half the south every Sunday."
We used to string popcorn for tree decorations. Since I quit smoking I cannot be trusted to handle food products. Last night I cooked 12 hot dogs and said I was using them for tree decorations. Nobody bought it.
The evolution of decorations is odd. We started with cheap items that could be made at home and progressed to slick marketing tools for all. Jenna Jameson ornament anyone? Try and make sense out of that one. Agnostic tree ornaments? Yep. Got those out there too. I say we go back to popcorn and cranberries. Not an Orville Redenbacher bulb or a Cranberries CD. Never mind.
At one time I had a Texas Rangers bulb, Detroit Lions bulb and Dallas Mavericks bulb (this is in the 1990's when the Mavs sucked). And I always bought the most beautiful Christmas trees every year. Kind of like Angelina Jolie with that vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around around her neck. Absolutely beautiful until you see what hanging off it. Then it's just creepy.
A bad quarterback and a great preacher are the only people I know who can make 50,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ" at the same time.
If God didn't want us to watch football why did he invent big screen TVs? The game would be much less exciting if we had to wait for those monks to scribe the score and get it out to us.
Smile on this beautiful day the Lord had made, you could be a Lions fan....
Till next.........
Saturday, November 20, 2010
A hero isn't braver than the ordinary man.....
He is just braver 5 minutes longer...Ralph Waldo Emmerson. So when does your 5 minutes begin? Do circumstances make the hero? Or do some people just shine so brightly that they would be considered heroes in any day and age? Is being a hero the one who can hit the ball farther than anyone else or is the hero the one who spends his time after work teaching inner city kids to read? Or helping out at the homeless shelter? Or working with people suffering from abuse? Do you have to be brave to stand up in front of a room full of strangers and tell them your biggest mistakes in life, your fears, your broken dreams and hope you help one of them?
Did it ever occur to everyone reading this post that at one time in your life you have been a hero to someone? You have. You were called and you answered. You may not have a clue when but at least once in your life you were brave just 5 minutes longer. And that is the point of this post. The hero is in all of us. Most of us (myself included) are so afraid of what people might say if we fail that we forget how often we succeed. We dwell on what we haven't done or we are not instead of who we are and what we have done. Take a minute and think of someone you helped. A kind word or a shoulder to cry on. Advice from the been there, done that, got the court order in my pocket school of hard knocks. Sometimes is as simple as being an inspiration because you don't give in to fear or bad times.
Many of you who follow these rants have been a hero to me. My job as I see it is to be a hero to someone else. Pass it on is what they say in the meetings. Be brave for that extra 5 minutes and stand tall. I learned some time ago that fear is what keeps most of us from greatness. So the question I leave you with this morning is, "What are you so afraid of?" "Is your life over if you try something and fail?" The questions are yours and mine to answer. For at least the next 5 minutes.
Till next......
Did it ever occur to everyone reading this post that at one time in your life you have been a hero to someone? You have. You were called and you answered. You may not have a clue when but at least once in your life you were brave just 5 minutes longer. And that is the point of this post. The hero is in all of us. Most of us (myself included) are so afraid of what people might say if we fail that we forget how often we succeed. We dwell on what we haven't done or we are not instead of who we are and what we have done. Take a minute and think of someone you helped. A kind word or a shoulder to cry on. Advice from the been there, done that, got the court order in my pocket school of hard knocks. Sometimes is as simple as being an inspiration because you don't give in to fear or bad times.
Many of you who follow these rants have been a hero to me. My job as I see it is to be a hero to someone else. Pass it on is what they say in the meetings. Be brave for that extra 5 minutes and stand tall. I learned some time ago that fear is what keeps most of us from greatness. So the question I leave you with this morning is, "What are you so afraid of?" "Is your life over if you try something and fail?" The questions are yours and mine to answer. For at least the next 5 minutes.
Till next......
Friday, November 19, 2010
If you pay the tow charge, you get your car back. Got it?
Buster was the large, make that very large, man behind the glass of the tow truck place telling me how getting your car back works in the tow truck world. I was not up on the current procedures but he filled me in. They towed my car. I must pay them. Then they will tell me where they found my car and I can see what type of shape it's in. If it will drive, I drive it home.
Most of you normal people are asking how would you not know where your car was? Well I was "Dude where's my car?" decades before they ever made that movie. I had done a little drinking a couple days before and the drive home proved to be a little too far. So I pulled to the side of the road, well it was more into a mailbox and one of those flower planter things, to take a quick nap. No alarm clock was needed because owner of said flower planter thingy did not agree with my assessment concerning sleep needs and was telling me so while his wife was calling the police. I may have been sleepy but talking to the police at that time didn't seem like a good idea.
Walking home after 12 hours of bending elbows is tougher than it sounds. Turns out it was about 4 miles away from the house where the car was parked. There was a fair amount of crawling on the way home as well. Balance can be a very elusive creature after enough alcohol. Surprisingly the police were not waiting for me at the house. They called three days later and were nice enough to tell me who towed my car and give me the name of the mailbox owner. So I could help him do some general repair to his property or they would drop by the house.
The reason this story came to my mind was the new GM. Not the obvious fact that I had hit rock bottom (just like GM) and then turned my life around (just like GM) but the tow truck part. As a tax payer we already own GM. Now, as of yesterday we can pay more money for stock that we already own. It's like they towed my tax dollars over to GM and said if you want to get some back just buy the stock. Huh? But I thought we already did that? My confusion only got worse after listening to President Obama say that because his administration stepped into the bankruptcy they saved a million jobs. I must be drunk again because I thought going through bankruptcy meant you could keep operating and strip away the debt. Not this one. 29 billion dollars in unfunded pensions did not go away. Why? Follow the money of donations from the UAW. Somehow I think they went to then Senator Obama.
25 years ago I was lucky and blessed enough to stop being a drunk. I wonder if GM will get to look back and realize that this is the bottom for them. I kind of doubt it. It seems to me they have set up the same unsustainable model that couldn't compete before. Wages will go back up and the pensions are still there. 87,000 current employees and 551,000 former or retired employees. The math doesn't work even after Jack Daniels. So if they crash again next time I think I will just buy them a drink. Hell, I might have one with them.
Till next......
Most of you normal people are asking how would you not know where your car was? Well I was "Dude where's my car?" decades before they ever made that movie. I had done a little drinking a couple days before and the drive home proved to be a little too far. So I pulled to the side of the road, well it was more into a mailbox and one of those flower planter things, to take a quick nap. No alarm clock was needed because owner of said flower planter thingy did not agree with my assessment concerning sleep needs and was telling me so while his wife was calling the police. I may have been sleepy but talking to the police at that time didn't seem like a good idea.
Walking home after 12 hours of bending elbows is tougher than it sounds. Turns out it was about 4 miles away from the house where the car was parked. There was a fair amount of crawling on the way home as well. Balance can be a very elusive creature after enough alcohol. Surprisingly the police were not waiting for me at the house. They called three days later and were nice enough to tell me who towed my car and give me the name of the mailbox owner. So I could help him do some general repair to his property or they would drop by the house.
The reason this story came to my mind was the new GM. Not the obvious fact that I had hit rock bottom (just like GM) and then turned my life around (just like GM) but the tow truck part. As a tax payer we already own GM. Now, as of yesterday we can pay more money for stock that we already own. It's like they towed my tax dollars over to GM and said if you want to get some back just buy the stock. Huh? But I thought we already did that? My confusion only got worse after listening to President Obama say that because his administration stepped into the bankruptcy they saved a million jobs. I must be drunk again because I thought going through bankruptcy meant you could keep operating and strip away the debt. Not this one. 29 billion dollars in unfunded pensions did not go away. Why? Follow the money of donations from the UAW. Somehow I think they went to then Senator Obama.
25 years ago I was lucky and blessed enough to stop being a drunk. I wonder if GM will get to look back and realize that this is the bottom for them. I kind of doubt it. It seems to me they have set up the same unsustainable model that couldn't compete before. Wages will go back up and the pensions are still there. 87,000 current employees and 551,000 former or retired employees. The math doesn't work even after Jack Daniels. So if they crash again next time I think I will just buy them a drink. Hell, I might have one with them.
Till next......
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Love me two times baby, I'm going away...
Jim Morrison nailed it in that song. The new TSA pat down theme song. If they could have that blaring from the speakers during the mope and grope portion of the flying experience I think it would help. Or maybe Marvin Gaye and a little "Sexual Healing" while they juggle the boys to see if you're carrying some sort of explosive device that is not part of your body.
The other choice of the scanner has some people very concerned about the amount of radiation it puts out. Michael Chertoff is a big player in the company that makes the scanners. You remember the Homeland Security boss on George W. Bush? Now we all have scanners. Nice how everything works together. Problems is actual doctors and scientist are saying the amount of radiation is way too high. One estimate said 20 times more than a dental xray. Over my head. I don't like the fact that those are the only two choices. And mainly because of our need to be politically correct and not use common sense procedures.
Israel has not had the airline problems we do because they profile. They ask questions. They take more time with a young man from Yemen than they do a 5 year old from Canada. Why? Because profiling works. Since when do you not narrow down the amount of people you are looking at based on factors such as location, origin, age, destination and interviewing. Those are common sense crime prevention tactics. Fool proof, no. But would that help? Yes it would. It has been proven to work. Israel has more enemies than the US all around them yet no planes blow up. Look into the eyes of a would be terrorist and see if he blinks. That seems logical to use observation as a tool to fight people trying to kill you.
Can I share a nasty little secret with everyone here? If we want our liberty we will offend certain people. How screwed up is it that we are worried about offending the very people who want to kill us anyway. Do you think the average peace loving Muslim minds if he gets asked a few more questions? Do they want to be blown up any less than the rest of us? The justice department is considering an exemption if you are wearing a Burka. Are you serious? What could possibly go wrong here? If you don't have to remove it, how do you see who is wearing it? What happens in Egypt or Saudi Arabia if you are asked questions before boarding a flight? If you refuse to answer I'm sure they provide you a nice cup of tea and some pleasant discourse on the matter.
Hey, if you want to give me a worm pull to make sure I'm not lethal so be it. But let's at least pay as much if not a lot more to more reasonable suspects. That would include people wearing outfits that not only conceal what you are carrying but who you are. And if it does not square with your religious beliefs than might I recommend not arriving here in the first place. Do American women have to conceal themselves while in Saudi Arabia? Yep. Their country, their rules. Our country, our rules. We are not Sharia compliant here. Liberty is for women and men in this country. Law applies the same to both. So if I get the Elliot Spitzer handshake at the airport than Betty damn sure should be dropping the burka. Preserve our liberty, use common sense!
till next.........
The other choice of the scanner has some people very concerned about the amount of radiation it puts out. Michael Chertoff is a big player in the company that makes the scanners. You remember the Homeland Security boss on George W. Bush? Now we all have scanners. Nice how everything works together. Problems is actual doctors and scientist are saying the amount of radiation is way too high. One estimate said 20 times more than a dental xray. Over my head. I don't like the fact that those are the only two choices. And mainly because of our need to be politically correct and not use common sense procedures.
Israel has not had the airline problems we do because they profile. They ask questions. They take more time with a young man from Yemen than they do a 5 year old from Canada. Why? Because profiling works. Since when do you not narrow down the amount of people you are looking at based on factors such as location, origin, age, destination and interviewing. Those are common sense crime prevention tactics. Fool proof, no. But would that help? Yes it would. It has been proven to work. Israel has more enemies than the US all around them yet no planes blow up. Look into the eyes of a would be terrorist and see if he blinks. That seems logical to use observation as a tool to fight people trying to kill you.
Can I share a nasty little secret with everyone here? If we want our liberty we will offend certain people. How screwed up is it that we are worried about offending the very people who want to kill us anyway. Do you think the average peace loving Muslim minds if he gets asked a few more questions? Do they want to be blown up any less than the rest of us? The justice department is considering an exemption if you are wearing a Burka. Are you serious? What could possibly go wrong here? If you don't have to remove it, how do you see who is wearing it? What happens in Egypt or Saudi Arabia if you are asked questions before boarding a flight? If you refuse to answer I'm sure they provide you a nice cup of tea and some pleasant discourse on the matter.
Hey, if you want to give me a worm pull to make sure I'm not lethal so be it. But let's at least pay as much if not a lot more to more reasonable suspects. That would include people wearing outfits that not only conceal what you are carrying but who you are. And if it does not square with your religious beliefs than might I recommend not arriving here in the first place. Do American women have to conceal themselves while in Saudi Arabia? Yep. Their country, their rules. Our country, our rules. We are not Sharia compliant here. Liberty is for women and men in this country. Law applies the same to both. So if I get the Elliot Spitzer handshake at the airport than Betty damn sure should be dropping the burka. Preserve our liberty, use common sense!
till next.........
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Oh no. Not another a hat!!
Let's talk Christmas gifts. What do get for the man who has everything? I have heard women ask this question before without understanding the fundamental bedrock principal that no man has everything he wants. Any man would welcome a new car. Or season tickets. Or a tropical vacation. Or any other number of things. So the real statement should be what am I willing to spend on him because he already has most of the useless crap he needs or wants. Now that we have some parameters lets move forward.
At my age I know I am getting books from my kids. That's good because I love to read. My Grandpa always got ties and socks from us kids. He always managed to look excited. I wonder if he ever wore any of them? I doubt it. Where was I? Oh yes we were on presents. Ladies, a man will always tell you what he wants just not directly. Usually it will come in the middle of a rant or just plain bitching. For instance, "I shot a frigging 98 today. Not much of a surprise with that old driver I'm trying to hit". What he means is "Honey I would love the new driver I saw at the golf shop for Christmas". Your man is paying you the greatest compliment of all. He knows how smart and perceptive you are. He knows it would be gauche to come out and ask for his gift. He is allowing you to use that famous women's intuition to make him happy. Yes, I realize how stupid it is that we think we married Yoda and you will use the force to shop. We are not very smart.
Speaking of stupid, men are not very creative or perceptive. Or sensitive or self aware or a lot of other things. But if we have a list of things to get, we can get them. No guarantees on the proper size. It is important to keep in mind that we are easily distracted as well. Shiny objects like a uniform or a beer tap tend to throw us off track quickly. When mapping out our journey try to steer us clear of such items. Nothing says eternal love quite like a gift certificate. We are bad ass when it comes to the old GC's as we like to call them. Just name the store and the amount babe, we are all over it. The nearest thing to guy proof shopping.
To summarize, women need to have the skills of a physic ninja to figure out what gift to get for Christmas while the man merely hopes for a list of stores and amounts to fill his shopping list.
Fairness is obviously not part of this equation. It is not. The good news for the women is that the day after Christmas your man has forgotten if you bought him a gift at all. And if he wakes up without being super glued together anywhere than he knows he must have done OK. Tis the season to be jolly......
Till next.....
At my age I know I am getting books from my kids. That's good because I love to read. My Grandpa always got ties and socks from us kids. He always managed to look excited. I wonder if he ever wore any of them? I doubt it. Where was I? Oh yes we were on presents. Ladies, a man will always tell you what he wants just not directly. Usually it will come in the middle of a rant or just plain bitching. For instance, "I shot a frigging 98 today. Not much of a surprise with that old driver I'm trying to hit". What he means is "Honey I would love the new driver I saw at the golf shop for Christmas". Your man is paying you the greatest compliment of all. He knows how smart and perceptive you are. He knows it would be gauche to come out and ask for his gift. He is allowing you to use that famous women's intuition to make him happy. Yes, I realize how stupid it is that we think we married Yoda and you will use the force to shop. We are not very smart.
Speaking of stupid, men are not very creative or perceptive. Or sensitive or self aware or a lot of other things. But if we have a list of things to get, we can get them. No guarantees on the proper size. It is important to keep in mind that we are easily distracted as well. Shiny objects like a uniform or a beer tap tend to throw us off track quickly. When mapping out our journey try to steer us clear of such items. Nothing says eternal love quite like a gift certificate. We are bad ass when it comes to the old GC's as we like to call them. Just name the store and the amount babe, we are all over it. The nearest thing to guy proof shopping.
To summarize, women need to have the skills of a physic ninja to figure out what gift to get for Christmas while the man merely hopes for a list of stores and amounts to fill his shopping list.
Fairness is obviously not part of this equation. It is not. The good news for the women is that the day after Christmas your man has forgotten if you bought him a gift at all. And if he wakes up without being super glued together anywhere than he knows he must have done OK. Tis the season to be jolly......
Till next.....
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
How to be a great parent from 400 miles away!
There is a book title I have yet to see. And the reason is because nobody has written a book with that title. Divorce and blended families have become so common over the past 40 years that there is no stigma. And there shouldn't be. The statistics will show eventually that kids from divorced parents will turn out the same as children whose parents stayed married. At first the difference was large and it will probably continue narrowing every year. I came from a perfect home and was a self made disaster by age 15. Many of my friends came from divorced parents and were never arrested or addicted to anything other than caffeine. No sane person can think to themselves, once we do have some kids we can just split and then we get some free alone time.
So let me give my advice on long distance parenting. When you get that first phone call and your child is crying remember rule number one: Do not start crying with them. They need you for stability not blubbering away with them. Once you hang up the phone feel free to whimper, moan, scream and wail. Then I usually head for the freezer and some ice cream. Because at this point you will feel like the greatest failure on two legs. When they call you on the phone and tell you they wish you lived closer remember rule number two: Do not start crying. This is very similar to rule one only this time they are not crying. State clearly and in a soothing voice that you wish you were closer too but it's important to have a good job so you can go to a good school..blah blah blah. At this point you are talking more for your sanity. They have already accepted your first line of bullshit and moved on.
As most of you have already figured out there is no answer or magic to this. This blog was written for parents like myself who have to tell themselves daily that they do matter to their kids even if they are far away. Or if you are a parent who is on the road a lot. The impact we have is not measured in time but in quality. How much love can you give your child when you are with them? Do they know how special they are? Do they know how proud of them you are? Do they know the difference between right and wrong? If the answers to these questions are yes then we are good parents no matter the distance. So don't beat yourself to a pulp when you get a phone call. Breathe deep and don't cry.
Till next..........
So let me give my advice on long distance parenting. When you get that first phone call and your child is crying remember rule number one: Do not start crying with them. They need you for stability not blubbering away with them. Once you hang up the phone feel free to whimper, moan, scream and wail. Then I usually head for the freezer and some ice cream. Because at this point you will feel like the greatest failure on two legs. When they call you on the phone and tell you they wish you lived closer remember rule number two: Do not start crying. This is very similar to rule one only this time they are not crying. State clearly and in a soothing voice that you wish you were closer too but it's important to have a good job so you can go to a good school..blah blah blah. At this point you are talking more for your sanity. They have already accepted your first line of bullshit and moved on.
As most of you have already figured out there is no answer or magic to this. This blog was written for parents like myself who have to tell themselves daily that they do matter to their kids even if they are far away. Or if you are a parent who is on the road a lot. The impact we have is not measured in time but in quality. How much love can you give your child when you are with them? Do they know how special they are? Do they know how proud of them you are? Do they know the difference between right and wrong? If the answers to these questions are yes then we are good parents no matter the distance. So don't beat yourself to a pulp when you get a phone call. Breathe deep and don't cry.
I had a completely different blog laid out for today until my 11 year old called me tonight. So this is what I changed to. It's off to the freezer for my stash of Blue Bell........
Till next..........
Monday, November 15, 2010
Correction
In one of my previous blogs I wrote that Cat Stevens sang the party killing song "Cats in the Cradle". It was of course the legendary drunkard Harry Chapin. Special thanks to Bradley B. for pointing that out.
What was that second one again?
Probably the most asked question a couple of thousand years ago. Jesus said the two most important commandments were love God with all your heart, soul and might. And love thy neighbor as you love yourself. Different versions and wordings but the message is the same. It does not matter if you believe in God or not for the purpose of this discussion. Your faith is your business and should remain that way. Most Christians would be on board with Jesus saying you better pay attention to the big guy or all manner of bad things may happen. Got it.
It's this second one that I find so interesting. You don't need to have a God or idol or favorite Deity to do this. You can be agnostic, atheist or just plain apathetic and still follow this advice. So the 64 thousand dollar question is "Why don't we"? Is it that we forget. Most of us have at least one memory that dates back to childhood. We can remember the first time we heard a song or went to a ballgame or concert. First date, yep. Lost virginity, sure. Lost virginity with another person, yep, remember that too. So it's not that we forget.
Maybe our neighbor just isn't as good as we are. Drives a worse car. Kids are not doing great in school. Job seems to be entry level. Argues with his wife or husband a lot. We make take the time to chat on the sidewalk about the heat or cold or football team but do we ever really care about the answers? Do we look at our neighbors as equals? Or are they better than we are? Cul de sac envy is a common occurrence. Can we really love someone who is kicking the crap out of us on the success meter? Don't you secretly hope he backs his Mercedes into his wife's Hummer in the driveway? It's human nature. Let's just skip trying to figure out the why and go for the great hypothetical here.
What would happen to the world if we actually did it? Most of us can't do it for one full day. I dare you to try tomorrow. Treat everyone you come in contact with the way you want to be treated. Love your spouse without conditions. Say hello to people who pass by. Take time out to stop by and offer help to someone you know is struggling. Just one day. Can you do it? God does not have anything to do with this. This is about being a human being. Can you make a day?
If you cannot, you have answered a question of yourself. The reason you can't do it for a day is you don't love yourself. And that is the most common problem we have. We are told all day in many different forms how we screw up or don't know what we are talking about. We are reminded that we should be doing better, making more money, have more friends, more education and on and on. The constant drumming of what we are not or what we should be is spiteful at best and downright evil at it's worst.
So I end with one last question and a repeat of my request. The question is "What if they are wrong about you? What if you are doing just as good or as bad as you should be? Then shouldn't you be proud and love yourself? Love yourself and your neighbor just one day. You can do it!
Till next......
It's this second one that I find so interesting. You don't need to have a God or idol or favorite Deity to do this. You can be agnostic, atheist or just plain apathetic and still follow this advice. So the 64 thousand dollar question is "Why don't we"? Is it that we forget. Most of us have at least one memory that dates back to childhood. We can remember the first time we heard a song or went to a ballgame or concert. First date, yep. Lost virginity, sure. Lost virginity with another person, yep, remember that too. So it's not that we forget.
Maybe our neighbor just isn't as good as we are. Drives a worse car. Kids are not doing great in school. Job seems to be entry level. Argues with his wife or husband a lot. We make take the time to chat on the sidewalk about the heat or cold or football team but do we ever really care about the answers? Do we look at our neighbors as equals? Or are they better than we are? Cul de sac envy is a common occurrence. Can we really love someone who is kicking the crap out of us on the success meter? Don't you secretly hope he backs his Mercedes into his wife's Hummer in the driveway? It's human nature. Let's just skip trying to figure out the why and go for the great hypothetical here.
What would happen to the world if we actually did it? Most of us can't do it for one full day. I dare you to try tomorrow. Treat everyone you come in contact with the way you want to be treated. Love your spouse without conditions. Say hello to people who pass by. Take time out to stop by and offer help to someone you know is struggling. Just one day. Can you do it? God does not have anything to do with this. This is about being a human being. Can you make a day?
If you cannot, you have answered a question of yourself. The reason you can't do it for a day is you don't love yourself. And that is the most common problem we have. We are told all day in many different forms how we screw up or don't know what we are talking about. We are reminded that we should be doing better, making more money, have more friends, more education and on and on. The constant drumming of what we are not or what we should be is spiteful at best and downright evil at it's worst.
So I end with one last question and a repeat of my request. The question is "What if they are wrong about you? What if you are doing just as good or as bad as you should be? Then shouldn't you be proud and love yourself? Love yourself and your neighbor just one day. You can do it!
Till next......
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Weekend at Bernie's...Small town version
Saturday night is the time for getting out and having a good time. "Let's party" sums it up perfectly. And with four kids and an actual budget we were quite surprised to find a "block party" in a small Georgia town up in the mountains about 45 minutes from the house. When I say "we" I of course mean my better half, Scarlett. All the shops and restaurants were staying open later than usual. The streets were going to be shutdown and several bands were going to be playing into the wee hours of the morning.
When my lovely wife told me what we were going to do I was happy but far less excited than the kids. The closer we got to departure time the more amped up they became. I know my children do not do any type of drugs but you couldn't tell. I've seen ADD riddled coke heads on a three day binge appear to be calm compared to the frenzied activity of the children. At one point I think I threatened to drop off a couple of them far short of our destination. But the closer we got the more excited I became as well. I grew up in small town America and was feeling nostalgic about the kind people and the everybody knows everybody atmosphere.
Just before dark we rolled into town to the dulcet tones of my step sons fart song, for the 6th time, and time enough to eat before the bands began to play. What type of music? How many bands? Will they sell t-shirts? We should have done more research on this to be better prepared for the 4 budding investigative reporters seated in the backseat. "I'm sure we'll find out soon enough" was my somewhat unsatisfying answer. To all questions. The streets were still open so we parked on a one way street a half mile from the "square" downtown and walked back. The crowd was light but it wasn't that dark yet. We had to ask where the party was and the owner of a rare coin and sex toy shop informed us it was in the parking lot behind his building.
The kids were sprinting down the sidewalk and raced around the corner of the building. When we arrived there was a crowd of almost 8 or 10 cars in the parking lot. No humans. No bands. No fans. No vendors. No t-shirts. Suicide was all I could think of when the sad four sets of eyeballs turned towards us. But I saw what they did not. A shiny, gleaming, ready for business ATM machine in the middle of the vacant lot. It was not a band but it was something in the lot. We took pictures with the ATM. We sang songs about the ATM on the ride home. We will never forget the time we spent with the ATM. We didn't use the ATM but we didn't need to.
Once we saw the party was not on we went and had dinner at a home cooking cafe that had been open 7 whole weeks. The staff was great and the building was unique and very clean. The prices were extremely cheap(so much so that I told the owner to raise prices when we were leaving) and the location was not bad. The only downside was a 45 minute wait for the food. Business was better than expected that day and they ran out of food. Probably a lot of folks showed up to party with the ATM. After dinner we went back to the lot to see the ATM one more time. Still no bands but the parking lot lights were going out one at a time. I thought that went the bands were getting ready to start. Nope. We headed back to the car, which was the only one left on the street, at 8:15 pm. Turnout the lights, the party's over.
Gas to attend Block party $8. Dinner plus tip $56. Ammunition for the rest of life when needling my wife: Priceless.
Till next.....
When my lovely wife told me what we were going to do I was happy but far less excited than the kids. The closer we got to departure time the more amped up they became. I know my children do not do any type of drugs but you couldn't tell. I've seen ADD riddled coke heads on a three day binge appear to be calm compared to the frenzied activity of the children. At one point I think I threatened to drop off a couple of them far short of our destination. But the closer we got the more excited I became as well. I grew up in small town America and was feeling nostalgic about the kind people and the everybody knows everybody atmosphere.
Just before dark we rolled into town to the dulcet tones of my step sons fart song, for the 6th time, and time enough to eat before the bands began to play. What type of music? How many bands? Will they sell t-shirts? We should have done more research on this to be better prepared for the 4 budding investigative reporters seated in the backseat. "I'm sure we'll find out soon enough" was my somewhat unsatisfying answer. To all questions. The streets were still open so we parked on a one way street a half mile from the "square" downtown and walked back. The crowd was light but it wasn't that dark yet. We had to ask where the party was and the owner of a rare coin and sex toy shop informed us it was in the parking lot behind his building.
The kids were sprinting down the sidewalk and raced around the corner of the building. When we arrived there was a crowd of almost 8 or 10 cars in the parking lot. No humans. No bands. No fans. No vendors. No t-shirts. Suicide was all I could think of when the sad four sets of eyeballs turned towards us. But I saw what they did not. A shiny, gleaming, ready for business ATM machine in the middle of the vacant lot. It was not a band but it was something in the lot. We took pictures with the ATM. We sang songs about the ATM on the ride home. We will never forget the time we spent with the ATM. We didn't use the ATM but we didn't need to.
Once we saw the party was not on we went and had dinner at a home cooking cafe that had been open 7 whole weeks. The staff was great and the building was unique and very clean. The prices were extremely cheap(so much so that I told the owner to raise prices when we were leaving) and the location was not bad. The only downside was a 45 minute wait for the food. Business was better than expected that day and they ran out of food. Probably a lot of folks showed up to party with the ATM. After dinner we went back to the lot to see the ATM one more time. Still no bands but the parking lot lights were going out one at a time. I thought that went the bands were getting ready to start. Nope. We headed back to the car, which was the only one left on the street, at 8:15 pm. Turnout the lights, the party's over.
Gas to attend Block party $8. Dinner plus tip $56. Ammunition for the rest of life when needling my wife: Priceless.
Till next.....
Friday, November 12, 2010
Hockey?? I don't know anything about .......
Hockey? I don't know anything about hockey. Actually overheard by a man who had lost 17 straight bets on football. When suggested he try to bet on hockey he refused.
So I can get a Happy Ending almost anywhere in San Francisco but to get a Happy Meal I need to bring along a nutritionist and my Mother with a permission slip?
While typing that last entry Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg got up and walked out of my office. Bizarre!
Do we really "celebrate" the 35th anniversary of a wreck of a ship? That is pretty dark. And how about that song? What a toe tapper that one is. When he gets to the part about the main hatchway giving in I am stoked. Bic lighter is a blazing'.
If you ever want to end a party, play that song followed by "Cats in the Cradle" by Cat Stevens. You remember him, the guy who turned Muslim and was accused of funding terrorism and can now be found restoring sanity to America. (Or at least to John Stewart)
Brett Farve announced this will be his last year of playing professional football. The Easter Bunny will be taking over for Brett next year if his agent, Santa Claus, can come to contract terms with the Vikings.
Why do they throw rice at weddings? I'm on my third marriage so I don't think it's a luck thing. And what do they throw at Chinese weddings? Cheeseburgers would be funny. Being pummeled by a couple dozen Big Mac screams happiness to me. Maybe even be married by the Hamburglar instead of a minister.
I heard my first burst of Christmas music this week. Can we please stop with the Rock and roll and rapper christmas songs? Something about Snoop Dog singing Christmas songs just rubs me the wrong way. How do you get wisemen and bong to rhyme? See what I mean?....
Till next.......
So I can get a Happy Ending almost anywhere in San Francisco but to get a Happy Meal I need to bring along a nutritionist and my Mother with a permission slip?
While typing that last entry Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg got up and walked out of my office. Bizarre!
Do we really "celebrate" the 35th anniversary of a wreck of a ship? That is pretty dark. And how about that song? What a toe tapper that one is. When he gets to the part about the main hatchway giving in I am stoked. Bic lighter is a blazing'.
If you ever want to end a party, play that song followed by "Cats in the Cradle" by Cat Stevens. You remember him, the guy who turned Muslim and was accused of funding terrorism and can now be found restoring sanity to America. (Or at least to John Stewart)
Brett Farve announced this will be his last year of playing professional football. The Easter Bunny will be taking over for Brett next year if his agent, Santa Claus, can come to contract terms with the Vikings.
Why do they throw rice at weddings? I'm on my third marriage so I don't think it's a luck thing. And what do they throw at Chinese weddings? Cheeseburgers would be funny. Being pummeled by a couple dozen Big Mac screams happiness to me. Maybe even be married by the Hamburglar instead of a minister.
I heard my first burst of Christmas music this week. Can we please stop with the Rock and roll and rapper christmas songs? Something about Snoop Dog singing Christmas songs just rubs me the wrong way. How do you get wisemen and bong to rhyme? See what I mean?....
Till next.......
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Man Cave Musings: Cruising and musing down the road......
Man Cave Musings: Cruising and musing down the road......: "4000 people stuck on a stranded cruise ship is considered a crisis. Did anyone ask the Chilean miners how they felt about people suffering t..."
Cruising and musing down the road......
4000 people stuck on a stranded cruise ship is considered a crisis. Did anyone ask the Chilean miners how they felt about people suffering through all that fresh air and sunlight?
I did hear the cruise line opened the bar up and provided 8 satellite phones for people to use. The ultimate drunk dialing fiasco. "Thanks for sending us on this wonderful anniversary cruise. If I were married to Johnny Weissmuller or Mark Spitz I would swim home and kick your ass."
Let me help the President out with this one. Jihad is what a redneck yells right before they start the mechanical bull. Probably don't have many of those in India. Are mechanical bulls sacred in the Hindu faith anyway? Just wondering?
Nancy Pelosi held a cocktail reception for the past Congress to toast their accomplishments. In a totally unrelated story the 2008 Detroit Lions are holding a reception to celebrate all their victories during the season. The 1976 Buccaneers were also invited.
I will not be signing anything IMHO because I am not really that humble to begin with.
So Charlie Sheen gets jacked up on Coke and locks a hooker in a closet while his ex-wife and children are across the hall? That show Two and a Half Men is really funny. What? That was real! No way! That's not really funny at all.
If I wanted to know how many shopping days till Christmas I would not have thrown away the 17 calenders I received last year during the "holiday season".
Whoever named the TA travel centers was a genius. I walked around for almost an hour and settled on a bag of chips and a diet coke. No T and no A. Got me to stop though.
Stayed the night in a Memphis hotel last trip to Tennessee. Super 8 unidentifiable stains motel. I am pretty sure blood and mucus were two of the eight that can be mentioned here. The free Wi-fi was great as long as you didn't mind walking to the McDonalds parking lot. The remote had no batteries and the front desk told me I could buy some across the street. True story. I did and I still have them in my truck.
Till next.......
I did hear the cruise line opened the bar up and provided 8 satellite phones for people to use. The ultimate drunk dialing fiasco. "Thanks for sending us on this wonderful anniversary cruise. If I were married to Johnny Weissmuller or Mark Spitz I would swim home and kick your ass."
Let me help the President out with this one. Jihad is what a redneck yells right before they start the mechanical bull. Probably don't have many of those in India. Are mechanical bulls sacred in the Hindu faith anyway? Just wondering?
Nancy Pelosi held a cocktail reception for the past Congress to toast their accomplishments. In a totally unrelated story the 2008 Detroit Lions are holding a reception to celebrate all their victories during the season. The 1976 Buccaneers were also invited.
I will not be signing anything IMHO because I am not really that humble to begin with.
So Charlie Sheen gets jacked up on Coke and locks a hooker in a closet while his ex-wife and children are across the hall? That show Two and a Half Men is really funny. What? That was real! No way! That's not really funny at all.
If I wanted to know how many shopping days till Christmas I would not have thrown away the 17 calenders I received last year during the "holiday season".
Whoever named the TA travel centers was a genius. I walked around for almost an hour and settled on a bag of chips and a diet coke. No T and no A. Got me to stop though.
Stayed the night in a Memphis hotel last trip to Tennessee. Super 8 unidentifiable stains motel. I am pretty sure blood and mucus were two of the eight that can be mentioned here. The free Wi-fi was great as long as you didn't mind walking to the McDonalds parking lot. The remote had no batteries and the front desk told me I could buy some across the street. True story. I did and I still have them in my truck.
Till next.......
Nothing more than a simple salute.........
I'm afraid that the sarcasm that always punctuates my posts will be missing today. Very few people in the world inspire awe from me because we know we are all human and therefore imperfect. But the people who will sign up to be shot at and possibly killed so we can live our lives without fear have always inspired awe from me. The liberty that is granted us by our God and guaranteed by our constitution cannot exist without the sacrifice of our armed forces. Do we wish for a world where they would never be needed? Of course. But conflict has been around for a very long time and doesn't seem to be going away any time soon. So please if you can remember that this is only one day. Please Honor and revere the veterans you meet and are in your life everyday. Without them we stand no chance.
Till next.......
Till next.......
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
A broken rubber is cause for alarm at any age...
Surprised me as well. Generally speaking, I thought the days of that phrase applying to me were well past. But today I got quite the shock while driving from Atlanta to Memphis to watch my son perform in a school program. This time of year it's a beautiful drive up into the mountains with brilliant colors and twisting roads that curve seductively up and out into the sky. Then it fades into flatter, straight, dull pavement the further you get from Nashville. Very similar to the shape and figure of the cocktail waitress' in Las Vegas the further you get from the strip. Flatter and dull until a gal named Mabel is leaning her good ear toward you to get your drink order before she heads off for her third smoke break of the hour. Boy, did I get off track.
So, on this drive just before I hit Nashville the truck in front of me lurches to the left and a huge chunk of broken rubber tire spins off his rear wheel and into the right side of my windshield. Given the fact that my reflexes are still quick and I always watch the road except while I am texting and changing the CD while I take a drink of my beverage, this happened pretty fast. It took out my mirror and left 3 dents in my door and hood. Broken headlight and a noticeable pull to the right were two other benefits from my fight with the broken rubber. I'm still healthy and the repairs are small compared to the amount of time I'll be spending explaining today's headline to certain people who might faint before reading all of it.
Till next......
So, on this drive just before I hit Nashville the truck in front of me lurches to the left and a huge chunk of broken rubber tire spins off his rear wheel and into the right side of my windshield. Given the fact that my reflexes are still quick and I always watch the road except while I am texting and changing the CD while I take a drink of my beverage, this happened pretty fast. It took out my mirror and left 3 dents in my door and hood. Broken headlight and a noticeable pull to the right were two other benefits from my fight with the broken rubber. I'm still healthy and the repairs are small compared to the amount of time I'll be spending explaining today's headline to certain people who might faint before reading all of it.
Till next......
Monday, November 8, 2010
Swimming with bow legged women.
I did promise to complete the trifecta today and write about women and how to have successful, meaningful and nurturing relationships with them. I highly recommend getting out a pen and some paper for you men out there. For the ladies don't bother trying to memorize it and discuss it with your man because he is not listening anyway. You can print a copy and put it inside his golf bag and have a better chance of getting through. Or start undressing with each sentence to hold his attention. Tell him there will be a quiz that he must get correct if he wants to boot knock. Now you have a fighting chance.
Maybe this is where my problem is. I have been divorced twice and am currently happily married. All three women are much more of an asset to the human race than yours truly. That isn't much of a surprise. Because opposites have to attract. Try and explain Heidi Klum and Seal without it. Can you imagine being married to someone just like you? I would be in Hell. No, I don't give a crap who won the Triple Crown in 1979. If I wanted to know why Democrats lost the House I would ask. No, I don't want to listen the classic rock station unless it's a choice between that or that damn talk radio garbage. No, I don't want to pull your finger and I do know why the chicken crossed the road because you told me yesterday. Could you just shut up during the sad parts of the movie? See what I mean. I don't like me and I'm not married to me.
So with all that here is the advice. 1. Men, don't talk. When your woman is venting she wants you to listen. 2. Men, talk. Let her know what you think. 3. Men, tell her she is attractive. Women love to hear that their man still desires them. 4. Men, don't tell her she turns you on. The last thing a woman wants to hear is how sexy she is when she is feeling bloated or crampy or tired. 5. Men, take care of things for her. When your woman finds you have fixed a toilet or hung a shower rod it's like foreplay. 6. Men, She is not a child and doesn't need you to do everything for her. She survived long before you showed up and she will survive long after the restraining order has expired. 7. Oh, to hell with it.....I have not the slightest idea what works here. For every ying there is a yang and every ping there is a pong.
If you really want to know the secret, look up my Mom and Dad. They have been married 50 years. To each other!
Till next...........
Maybe this is where my problem is. I have been divorced twice and am currently happily married. All three women are much more of an asset to the human race than yours truly. That isn't much of a surprise. Because opposites have to attract. Try and explain Heidi Klum and Seal without it. Can you imagine being married to someone just like you? I would be in Hell. No, I don't give a crap who won the Triple Crown in 1979. If I wanted to know why Democrats lost the House I would ask. No, I don't want to listen the classic rock station unless it's a choice between that or that damn talk radio garbage. No, I don't want to pull your finger and I do know why the chicken crossed the road because you told me yesterday. Could you just shut up during the sad parts of the movie? See what I mean. I don't like me and I'm not married to me.
So with all that here is the advice. 1. Men, don't talk. When your woman is venting she wants you to listen. 2. Men, talk. Let her know what you think. 3. Men, tell her she is attractive. Women love to hear that their man still desires them. 4. Men, don't tell her she turns you on. The last thing a woman wants to hear is how sexy she is when she is feeling bloated or crampy or tired. 5. Men, take care of things for her. When your woman finds you have fixed a toilet or hung a shower rod it's like foreplay. 6. Men, She is not a child and doesn't need you to do everything for her. She survived long before you showed up and she will survive long after the restraining order has expired. 7. Oh, to hell with it.....I have not the slightest idea what works here. For every ying there is a yang and every ping there is a pong.
If you really want to know the secret, look up my Mom and Dad. They have been married 50 years. To each other!
Till next...........
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Man Cave Musings: Never judge a man till you have walked in his clow...
Man Cave Musings: Never judge a man till you have walked in his clow...: "For those who know me well will certainly attest I have always been a fashion disaster. If it is possible to wear something that has either ..."
Never judge a man till you have walked in his clown shoes.
For those who know me well will certainly attest I have always been a fashion disaster. If it is possible to wear something that has either gone out of style or was never in style, I own it. Last evening we decided to go to see Secretariat. That was the easy part. Because I quit smoking in August the clothes that normally would be in the rotation are not. 25 extra pounds of sexy blubber has made it difficult if not impossible to get into my regular blue jeans. I did manage to find a pair that actually slipped over my new found belly without sucking in so hard to button them that the buttons on my shirt started popping. Even when I attempted simple tasks such has walking and sitting the pain and loss of blood flow wasn't to extreme.
Just to make sure the look I was throwing down would turn a few heads I wore my best sneakers. The problem was the jeans went out of style sometime in the 90's. They fit tight right at the ankles which managed to make my size 11 shoe look like a pair of clown shoes. If I had a bow tie that would squirt water it would have been perfect. We rode to the movies in a tiny little car and 16 of us got out. Not really, but with the jeans and shoes I could have made it work.
When we were walking up to get the tickets a homeless dude looked at me and shook his head. He asked if I needed some clothes. I laughed and stole two wheels off his shopping cart. Take that cardboard mayor! Does he think just because he is destitute that he gets to call me out on my duds? Fact of the matter is he was better dressed than I was and I didn't mind. That may be the real issue here. If you do not care about wearing clown shoes it's not you who is embarrassed. So I will now turn my attention to more important matters. In the last two days I have written about religion and fashion. The only thing I know less about is successful relationships with women. That will be next.
Till next.....
Just to make sure the look I was throwing down would turn a few heads I wore my best sneakers. The problem was the jeans went out of style sometime in the 90's. They fit tight right at the ankles which managed to make my size 11 shoe look like a pair of clown shoes. If I had a bow tie that would squirt water it would have been perfect. We rode to the movies in a tiny little car and 16 of us got out. Not really, but with the jeans and shoes I could have made it work.
When we were walking up to get the tickets a homeless dude looked at me and shook his head. He asked if I needed some clothes. I laughed and stole two wheels off his shopping cart. Take that cardboard mayor! Does he think just because he is destitute that he gets to call me out on my duds? Fact of the matter is he was better dressed than I was and I didn't mind. That may be the real issue here. If you do not care about wearing clown shoes it's not you who is embarrassed. So I will now turn my attention to more important matters. In the last two days I have written about religion and fashion. The only thing I know less about is successful relationships with women. That will be next.
Till next.....
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Man Cave Musings: Heaven should have all the colors of fall.
Man Cave Musings: Heaven should have all the colors of fall.: "Me writing a blog on heaven is about equal to Paris Hilton blogging about acting tips but I am going ahead anyway. All the imagery we see de..."
Heaven should have all the colors of fall.
Me writing a blog on heaven is about equal to Paris Hilton blogging about acting tips but I am going ahead anyway. All the imagery we see depicting heaven has clouds and bright blue sky with angels wearing white wings. (Do they have a different color after Labor Day?) Seems to me that the colors of fall would be a much better choice. The stunning yellows and burnt oranges make even the most jaded of us take notice. I know there are a lot of shades of red as well but I really don't think red will help advance my argument here. People who are much more well versed in biblical matters will tell me that I can't even imagine how wonderful heaven will be. I agree with that but it seems a shame with all the really cool colors God has at his disposal that we are going with the whole standard blue and white theme.
There are multitudes of folks who know me might find it hysterical that I am even worried about heaven to begin with. Can't argue with them too much. But while I'm speculating why stop at colors. Let's talk music. Seriously, a harp? How about letting Jimi crank out a riff or two? Jim Morrison telling me to keep me eyes on the road and my hand upon the wheel would work as well. Stevie Ray with John Bonham beating the drums is heavenly to me. I would recommend John Entwistle for bass but he died in a Vegas hotel room with two hookers and a speed ball overdose. Might disqualify him from the "up" elevator. The whole harp thing just seems so old school (or old testament if you wish).
Perhaps second guessing the big guy is not a great idea. I don't think the reporting is right. How do we know the sky is a light blue in heaven. Who reported that? Was it verified? And why would there be clouds? You telling me it rains in heaven. I don't think so. The real problem is we are not getting accurate information from heaven. It's kind of closed mouth deal. Like the Masons or something. Nobody is talking about it that really knows. So I'm going with my version of rock and roll blasting while I step out of my mint condition Lincoln Mark 3 and onto the first tee of Pebble Beach without the cold breeze. My only hope is that my tee time is not today.
Till next........
There are multitudes of folks who know me might find it hysterical that I am even worried about heaven to begin with. Can't argue with them too much. But while I'm speculating why stop at colors. Let's talk music. Seriously, a harp? How about letting Jimi crank out a riff or two? Jim Morrison telling me to keep me eyes on the road and my hand upon the wheel would work as well. Stevie Ray with John Bonham beating the drums is heavenly to me. I would recommend John Entwistle for bass but he died in a Vegas hotel room with two hookers and a speed ball overdose. Might disqualify him from the "up" elevator. The whole harp thing just seems so old school (or old testament if you wish).
Perhaps second guessing the big guy is not a great idea. I don't think the reporting is right. How do we know the sky is a light blue in heaven. Who reported that? Was it verified? And why would there be clouds? You telling me it rains in heaven. I don't think so. The real problem is we are not getting accurate information from heaven. It's kind of closed mouth deal. Like the Masons or something. Nobody is talking about it that really knows. So I'm going with my version of rock and roll blasting while I step out of my mint condition Lincoln Mark 3 and onto the first tee of Pebble Beach without the cold breeze. My only hope is that my tee time is not today.
Till next........
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Who do you cry to when all your freinds are crying too?
Salient question considering Tuesday nights results. Most people know about the House of Representatives and the Senate seats that went Republican. A fair amount probably know that a lot of Governors went to the GOP as well. But that may not be the biggest story. 680!!! That is the number of state legislators that switched Nov 2nd. How big is that? Well in 1994, 428 went to the Republicans. The biggest before last Tuesday was 624 in 1974 right after Watergate.
So what does it mean? It cannot be just a number or power swinging back and forth. I think it shows that once again the American people had a glimpse of what true liberal policy looks like and decided overwhelming that they don't want it. Most of us do not want to "fundamentally transform" this country. We love it and are proud of it. Is it perfect? Of course not. Are we a force for good in the world? You're damn right we are. And most of us don't like to be told we are too stupid to take care of ourselves. We know what to eat, to drink, to smoke or not to smoke, and what type of car we want to drive. Senator Kerry said we don't pay much attention to politics. Well Lurch, we are paying attention now. President Obama said they were moving so fast we couldn't keep up with all their victories. Well, time to hit the brakes and take a chill pill.
To have total control in 26 states is a little scary no matter who holds power. For absolute power corrupts absolutely it is said and has been proven time again. Even with that dynamic it is evident that tea party people may not be extreme. They maybe normal folks who have never" paid much attention or tried to keep up". You can't pick up 680 seats on one night and be a fringe group of hayseed racists. The numbers don't add up. We are talking a no longer silent majority that is fully engaged in the political process now.
So if the color yellow makes you sad just chug on over to mamby-pamby land and get some self confidence, you bunch of jackwagons. Tissue??????.........
Till next.........
So what does it mean? It cannot be just a number or power swinging back and forth. I think it shows that once again the American people had a glimpse of what true liberal policy looks like and decided overwhelming that they don't want it. Most of us do not want to "fundamentally transform" this country. We love it and are proud of it. Is it perfect? Of course not. Are we a force for good in the world? You're damn right we are. And most of us don't like to be told we are too stupid to take care of ourselves. We know what to eat, to drink, to smoke or not to smoke, and what type of car we want to drive. Senator Kerry said we don't pay much attention to politics. Well Lurch, we are paying attention now. President Obama said they were moving so fast we couldn't keep up with all their victories. Well, time to hit the brakes and take a chill pill.
To have total control in 26 states is a little scary no matter who holds power. For absolute power corrupts absolutely it is said and has been proven time again. Even with that dynamic it is evident that tea party people may not be extreme. They maybe normal folks who have never" paid much attention or tried to keep up". You can't pick up 680 seats on one night and be a fringe group of hayseed racists. The numbers don't add up. We are talking a no longer silent majority that is fully engaged in the political process now.
So if the color yellow makes you sad just chug on over to mamby-pamby land and get some self confidence, you bunch of jackwagons. Tissue??????.........
Till next.........
He ain't gonna walk you. He don't think you can hit him.
Goose Gossage had a runner on second and third in the 1984 World Series and Kirk Gibson was up to bat. For students of baseball and fans in general the smart thing to do was walk Gibson and set up the double play. Gossage called his manager out to the mound to discuss pitching to Gibson. While they were talking Sparky Anderson was screaming at his hitter,"He don't think you can hit. He ain't gonna walk you". He basically challenged his manhood.
When Dick Williams returned to the dugout and Goose took the mound Kirk looked like he could commit murder at that point. Sparky had him so pissed off that all he needed was a pitch that he could reach with his bat. Next pitch was a fastball that came in at 97 miles an hour and went out faster. A three run upper deck shot that ended the series. Masterful motivation by a great manager. And a humble manager as well. He never failed to give the credit to his players. He always maintained that the players won games and managers lost them.
I had a chance to meet him one day in Toronto during the World Series in 1992. (I think) A great man who was hard of hearing to the point of being deaf. He would cock that head of his to the left and down and say"How's that?" to everything I said. But we spent a good 20 minutes together and it is something I will never forget. I'm reasonably sure that Sparky is asking St. Peter right now if we have a double header scheduled tomorrow. "How's that?"........
Till next......
When Dick Williams returned to the dugout and Goose took the mound Kirk looked like he could commit murder at that point. Sparky had him so pissed off that all he needed was a pitch that he could reach with his bat. Next pitch was a fastball that came in at 97 miles an hour and went out faster. A three run upper deck shot that ended the series. Masterful motivation by a great manager. And a humble manager as well. He never failed to give the credit to his players. He always maintained that the players won games and managers lost them.
I had a chance to meet him one day in Toronto during the World Series in 1992. (I think) A great man who was hard of hearing to the point of being deaf. He would cock that head of his to the left and down and say"How's that?" to everything I said. But we spent a good 20 minutes together and it is something I will never forget. I'm reasonably sure that Sparky is asking St. Peter right now if we have a double header scheduled tomorrow. "How's that?"........
Till next......
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Don't you hate when a player makes a tackle in a football game...
and does a huge dance even though his team is still two touchdowns behind? That is why there will be no gloating from me today. Don't for one minute think I am sad or not extremely proud of what everyday Americans accomplished yesterday. I am astonished how many conservatives went and voted in midterm elections. President Obama did unite us just not the way he thought.
For you see even though the gains were historical yesterday in the House, Senate and Gubernatorial races we are still two touchdowns behind. A horrible Health Care bill is law. We now are required to purchase something or we are criminals. Financial Regulation passed without a mention of Freddie or Fannie. Ironic isn't it that today Freddie Mac announced they lost 3.1 billion dollars this QUARTER. The federal government now controls who gets money to go to college. The banks were stripped of that segment of their business. Why? Were they abusing it? No. Or does it give control to the government? You decide but I contend this is the first of many steps to go back to the consent of the governed. The work has just begun.
Remember the first time you got dumped? Did you eat chocolate and ice cream till you felt like puking? Or did you get drunk and call all your other friends and make an ass of yourself? You have to shake your head at someone so out of touch with the current climate that they would spend two billion dollars and take 3000 friends to India and rent the Taj Mahal to get over being dumped by the voters. Balls like a brass monkey and the governing style of Marie Antoinette would best describe our President. I know the trip was scheduled two months ago. That does not explain the excess. Let them eat cake indeed. No, wait, that has sugar and may have been cooked in trans fat. Let them eat carrots and celery. Meanwhile Barry and Michelle will just sneak behind the Taj and have a couple of cheeseburgers and fries. Huh? No beef? No clue......
Till next......
For you see even though the gains were historical yesterday in the House, Senate and Gubernatorial races we are still two touchdowns behind. A horrible Health Care bill is law. We now are required to purchase something or we are criminals. Financial Regulation passed without a mention of Freddie or Fannie. Ironic isn't it that today Freddie Mac announced they lost 3.1 billion dollars this QUARTER. The federal government now controls who gets money to go to college. The banks were stripped of that segment of their business. Why? Were they abusing it? No. Or does it give control to the government? You decide but I contend this is the first of many steps to go back to the consent of the governed. The work has just begun.
Remember the first time you got dumped? Did you eat chocolate and ice cream till you felt like puking? Or did you get drunk and call all your other friends and make an ass of yourself? You have to shake your head at someone so out of touch with the current climate that they would spend two billion dollars and take 3000 friends to India and rent the Taj Mahal to get over being dumped by the voters. Balls like a brass monkey and the governing style of Marie Antoinette would best describe our President. I know the trip was scheduled two months ago. That does not explain the excess. Let them eat cake indeed. No, wait, that has sugar and may have been cooked in trans fat. Let them eat carrots and celery. Meanwhile Barry and Michelle will just sneak behind the Taj and have a couple of cheeseburgers and fries. Huh? No beef? No clue......
Till next......
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Oh...You said 'ELECTION day"..This is awkward..
That would bring a completely different definition to "polling place" if you thought it was erection day. Would more women show up than men? Would the voting last long enough to satisfy all voters? Would Viagra be considered voter fraud or a stimulus package? Pull the lever has a different connotation now to? Hanging chad would be a well hung chad? Blue Dog democrat...too easy. Do dark horse candidates stuff the ballot box more?Do lame ducks play with their pocket veto more? Mudslinging...Don't even want to go there. And my last question is do swing voters to a better job of push polling?
Till next.......
Till next.......
Monday, November 1, 2010
Man Cave Musings: I aint mad at ya.....
Man Cave Musings: I aint mad at ya.....: "Always loved that saying. Despite the obvious insults to the queens English, it sums up quite well the art of telling someone that this is i..."
I aint mad at ya.....
Always loved that saying. Despite the obvious insults to the queens English, it sums up quite well the art of telling someone that this is indeed not personnel but I am about to kick your ass sideways and smile while I do it. So Tuesday evening when the results begin to filter in I would like all my Democrat, Rhino, Progressive and Liberal friends to know, I aint mad at ya! Angry? Why would I be? Because all of you are so out of touch or just too hard headed to notice that you finally woke the sleeping giant in this country is going to lead to a return of sanity at the voting booth tomorrow. Yes, the silent majority of Americans who just want to work hard and be given a fair chance to build a nice life for themselves have heard enough. Oh we are awake now.
What woke us up? Venti with a shot of espresso number one was watching health care jammed through Congress without a final vote despite 60% of people not wanting it. Consent of the governed anyone? I did not mean to forget the general apology tour that took place across the globe. Maybe most people like me who are damned proud to be American find it a little sickening to watch our "leader" say what an arrogant, mistake prone country we are and have been. How much more does the world like us now? Remember, everybody hated Bush, how times have attempts been made on us by Al Queda in the last two years? Where is the love Osama? Barrack said we won't be like we were under Bush? Still no love from AQ!
How about the whole Arizona immigration thing? Double espresso with a line of cocaine coming right up. So one of our 50 states is being "invaded" by criminals who are kidnapping our citizens and selling dope to our children and the response by the White House is to sue Arizona? That is so stupid you can't make it up. Especially given the fact that Arizona asked for federal help to enforce federal law over and over again only to be called racist when they did it themselves. Racist? For wanting to be safe from foreign criminals? Yep. Wide awake now!
Need some more stimulant? How about stimulus for stimulant? Trillions of dollars to bailout pension funds of unions and public sector pet projects tied to garnering more votes make you happy? How about being asked three separate times to pony up for teachers and firefighters only to realize it's the pensions being funded. Teachers are still being laid off. Universities getting money to study jacked up monkeys? Awake yet? Drunk hookers overseas? Awake yet? Sidewalk to nowhere? Tunnel to nowhere? And on and on and on....
How about taking over auto companies? Banks?Insurance? Student loans? Our government has not shown the ability to run anything better than the private sector so why are we? We have bankruptcy courts to handle companies that fail. Of course if that happens the unions don't get taken care of near as well. And why should the federal government handle student loans? Does any of this follow the rule of law? Nope. Awake now, aren't you?
So tomorrow, even though I have been called or implied to be a racist, sexist, homophobe, islamaphobe,(whatever that is) intolerant, greedy, earth hating, bitter, gun glinging, bible totoing unsophisticated moron, I want all my left thinking comrades to know, I aint mad ya..........
Till next........
What woke us up? Venti with a shot of espresso number one was watching health care jammed through Congress without a final vote despite 60% of people not wanting it. Consent of the governed anyone? I did not mean to forget the general apology tour that took place across the globe. Maybe most people like me who are damned proud to be American find it a little sickening to watch our "leader" say what an arrogant, mistake prone country we are and have been. How much more does the world like us now? Remember, everybody hated Bush, how times have attempts been made on us by Al Queda in the last two years? Where is the love Osama? Barrack said we won't be like we were under Bush? Still no love from AQ!
How about the whole Arizona immigration thing? Double espresso with a line of cocaine coming right up. So one of our 50 states is being "invaded" by criminals who are kidnapping our citizens and selling dope to our children and the response by the White House is to sue Arizona? That is so stupid you can't make it up. Especially given the fact that Arizona asked for federal help to enforce federal law over and over again only to be called racist when they did it themselves. Racist? For wanting to be safe from foreign criminals? Yep. Wide awake now!
Need some more stimulant? How about stimulus for stimulant? Trillions of dollars to bailout pension funds of unions and public sector pet projects tied to garnering more votes make you happy? How about being asked three separate times to pony up for teachers and firefighters only to realize it's the pensions being funded. Teachers are still being laid off. Universities getting money to study jacked up monkeys? Awake yet? Drunk hookers overseas? Awake yet? Sidewalk to nowhere? Tunnel to nowhere? And on and on and on....
How about taking over auto companies? Banks?Insurance? Student loans? Our government has not shown the ability to run anything better than the private sector so why are we? We have bankruptcy courts to handle companies that fail. Of course if that happens the unions don't get taken care of near as well. And why should the federal government handle student loans? Does any of this follow the rule of law? Nope. Awake now, aren't you?
So tomorrow, even though I have been called or implied to be a racist, sexist, homophobe, islamaphobe,(whatever that is) intolerant, greedy, earth hating, bitter, gun glinging, bible totoing unsophisticated moron, I want all my left thinking comrades to know, I aint mad ya..........
Till next........
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